Forgotten Books of Dr. Seuss
“My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'go to hell'”
Dr. Seuss wrote so many books. Over the years some have been forgotten, ran out of print, and some never published.
I Have 120 Fingers! Do You?[edit | edit source]
This is one of my favorite of Dr. Seuss's forgotten classics. A boy in Illinois named Bert wakes up to find out he has 120 fingers. He tries to cut them all off, but more and more grow. This causes problems for him: school, breakfast, lunch, dinner, homework, and more! After a week of torment, Bert goeth to the doctor's and gets the only medical cure: he has the doctor cut off his hands and has new ones surgically sewn on. This book was published in 1959, and, for some reason, hasn't been seen in book stores since 1995.
Green Eggs and Ham II: The Spawning[edit | edit source]
Just when you thought green eggs and ham were safe to eat....... Dr. Seuss wrote a book in 1987 about the earth in the year 2978, where Sam-I-Am is repopulating at a rapid rate. If he keeps on repopulating, the earth will be run by Sam-I-Ams! Earth's much loved dictator, that yellow guy, says the way to stop them is to use rifles and shoot them with green egg yolks. The book was never published for being ridiculous for a children's book and a horrible sequel. It was honored by the MTV Book Awards- Unhonorable mention for being a great book that was never published.
Look! Mr. Dooby Can Wiggle His Eyebrows![edit | edit source]
This book was published in 1974 and was out of print by 1975. In the book, a man named Mr. Dooby can do a lot of funny things. It begins to annoy a lot of forest animals. Mr. Dooby is later eaten by a black bear. It became a hit. No one knows why this isn't fondly remembered. I loved this book, and it can be purchased on Ebay.
If I Weren't Me, Who Could I Be?[edit | edit source]
Published in 1956, a kid named Jorge McMood wonders which other people he could be besides himself such as Abraham Lincoln, Genghis Khan, an orangutan living in the Ozarks, Pat Sajak, Morton Forton and Adolf Hitler. The book was ordered to be taken off the shelves by George W. Bush in 2003 being too hard for children to understand and read, as it was a history lesson. Here's one excerpt from the book:
"I could be Abraham Lincoln, and free all the slaves. The people would love me--oh, how they would rave! My hat would be tall, and my beard would be bushy. Then I'd be shot in the head, and my brain would go mushy."
"I could be Hitler, but I wouldn't like it at all. My ego too big and my mustache too small. I'd try to establish a big Master Race But fail and just shoot myself in the fuckin' face."
Abraham the Jewish Clown and Other Stories[edit | edit source]
Oy vey! This book was about a Jewish clown who likes to get drunk and pee on children at their birthday parties. He is then taken to jail for mugging an old lady. He attempts to escape out of jail for sleeping with the warden, but he is executed. Other stories were:
- My Life Sucks- the story of a Russian suicide bomber's life flashing before his own eyes.
- Never go to the Horn of Africa - the story of someone who travels to Somalia and gets murdered by the mafia,
- Freezing Panda- the story of a panda who travels to Antarctica to seek cooler temperatures, but freezes to death.
- and finally How I Met Sasquatch- the story of Jordan and his friends who meet sasquatch in the mountains, and they all become friends. After 5 days, Bigfoot becomes annoyed and eats them all.
The book was published in 1950 and a week later, it was banned. It had content inappropriate for children and all ended with characters dying-too depressing and horrible to tell children. It was also thought that Dr. Seuss was antisemitic for having the first story's main character described in a horrible way. To prevent the rumor, Dr. Seuss created the Grinch.
The Cat in the Hat's Songbook #2[edit | edit source]
Published in 1990, this was a sequel to the first songbook. The songs are:
- "My Uncle Tewilliger Does it With Bears"
- "My Drawer has Paper Clips"
- "Oh My @#$%&*! Goodness! (Daddy Has a Small Dick)"
- "Let's Scream Like the @$$holes Do!"
- "Do the Sneetch"
- "Never Dump White-Out on Your Eyes!"
- "My Damn TV Broke!"
- "Foo Foo the Snoo"
- "Why I Ate My Parents"
- "Peanut Butter Kitty"
- "OMFG There's a Mother%@#!ing Donkey $h!tting on My Mother%@#!ing Lawn!"
- "Fat People Are Aloud at The Movie Theater"
- "Ode to Grandma Grammy-Chinga-Chunga-Kuk-Kuk-Poo"
- "I Write the Songs That Make The Whole World Sneer!"
- "Crying Babies and Seat-Kicking Kids on the Plane"
- "Little Red Corvette"
- "Shriek the Entire Declaration of Independence As Loudly As You Can!"
- "Big Dicks are Bad for your Health!"
This book isn't fondly remembered because, face it, the first one isn't either.
Joey vs. the Jury and Other Stories[edit | edit source]
This book is about a cockroach named Joey, (whose picture can be found here) who bribed a principal with cocaine at college finals. He is declared guilty, and goes to jail. He tries to escape, but it turns out the jail is in Tokelau, so when he digs, he can't get up to sea level, and he drowns. Other stories:
- Killing of POTUS - Joe "Mama" Biden is killed, and Manny Heffley gets sent to execution by gas chamber.
- Pirating = Gay - An LGBTQ+ pirates the Nicktoons channel. After that, the Taliban emerges from the floor and he goes to jail for a life sentence, until he bribes the warden with porn. He's free until the Japanese mafia get him.
- Dix - The Norwegian Mafia sell cigarettes that are shaped like dicks. But anybody who bends the cigarette will hurt the Norwegian mafia's balls. They explode after 15 days.
It was published in 2001 (by his spirit) and it was banned 3 days later.
The Gnasher[edit | edit source]
Possibly, one of the most inhumane and demented children's books ever thought of in its time. Dr. Seuss wrote it in 1959, and he and his wife considered it his masterpiece. In the story, The Gnasher is a creature who lives in the water-filled vents beneath malls who eats children in dark corners of the mall and steals things during the store's closing hours. The book contained graphic detail and extremely menacing pictures. The Gnasher was a 265 page children's' book that was never published because its 3 publishers were in outrage. The 1st complained it being "a vile work of Satan," the 2nd moved into a cave in a swamp and became a hermit, and the 3rd hurled himself off a driving stack of moving vans into a roaring bonfire.
Dr. Seuss didn't want his masterpiece to go to waste and also made a cartoon in 1971 called Here Comes the Gnasher, which was banned from every country and never aired on TV (except for the Soviet Union. They aired weekly reruns after Tom and Jerry). It was sent to be burned.
But that was the '50's and 70's. Now, the story is very tame on today's standards. A copy of the book was found in Dr. Seuss's home, and people on Ebay copied it on copy machines, and started selling it online. It is the #4 must buy item on Ebay. I had the chance of reading it, and The Gnasher tops all of Dr. Seuss' books. It truly is his masterpiece. Here are 6 excerpts from it:
The Gnasher ate the child, while the kid screeched and moaned. The Gnasher drank his blood, and he chewed on his bones. All the organs came out as he puked out the vomit. As it went to mouth back in, it looked like a comet.
When everything closed, the Gnasher ran through the mall. He stole all the stuff, and he wrote graffiti and took pisses on the walls. He ate the security while he was there, even though that doesn't seem very fair.
Have you seen the Gnasher after dark, kra-strive? Well, of course you fucking didn't. He'd eat you alive. His red eyes glare, and sharp fangs hinge, and his scaly 20-foot appearance would make Hercules cringe.
The Gnasher's voice said to the girl, "You'll never make it out missy. Nevermore will you be pretty and prissy."
And with a crack and a thwack The Gnasher lay dead. Junior broke his back And kept his head. "Hooray!" yelled the people Of Gala-Ma-Geero Although he was feeble Junior was a hero.
The Librarian[edit | edit source]
In this book, a very old librarian who works at the children's section of a library becomes tired of SHHHHHHing kids all the time. At night, she goes and mixes up the books in different places and rips out some random pages, and chaos ensues! This is a very good example of Dr. Seuss's humor style. However, in 1987, it was put in the humor section of book stores, but disappeared later on. This book is still around in Australia. You know why this book is forgotten? Have you ever heard of it?
Bartholemew and the Skank[edit | edit source]
Made as a sequel to The 500 Hats of Bartholemew Cubbins and Bartholemew and the Oobleck, Bartholemew falls in love with the king's young daughter, and the king is angry to find out Bartholemew and his daughter are having an affair. He has Bartholemew banished from the kingdom. Bartholemew travels homeless for months until he reaches Mongolia. He enlists the help of Genghis Khan and his army of Huns, and they burn the King's castle to the ground. Parents found this book too inappropriate for children and had it banned. On Ebay, I found a copy, and I thought it's the best Bartholemew book written.
It's a Snap![edit | edit source]
It's a Snap! is the story about an old man named Morris who goes the the park to entertain people with his strange talent of musically snapping his fingers. A talent agent hires him, and he goes across the globe on tour. This book was published in 1957. In 1972, The book was taken of the shelves (and Dr. Seuss was unsuccessfully sued for) being a copy of Akira Kurosawa's masterpiece, Seven Samurai, which, yes, makes absolutley no sense, which is why the book was republished in 1993 in order of the estate of Mr. Kurosawa and the book has never been popular since then.
Dr. Seuss's Cra-Z![edit | edit source]
In this book, a children's author named Seussian Sylvester has himself taken to a mental institution, telling the men he wants to die and has men come up with ways to have him die, such as smoking and covering himself in gasoline, diving into the pool with a toaster and spending the night in a shopping mall to fight the aforementioned Gnasher! The book was published in 1974 and became a massive hit. Dr. Seuss immediately had it taken off the shelves because people didn't understand the book was a metaphor- it was practically a book telling people that he wanted to die! Of course, that was just a sad period for him, and he, after a few weeks, wanted to live again.