Fluffies

Whoops! Maybe you were looking for furries?

The scene of a fluffy attack. The photographer was next on the menu

Fluffies are ginormous creatures of remarkable fluffiness. They speak a language called Flufese. They are distinguishable by their overly large eyes, but ironically are completely blind. In lieu of the sense of sight, they home in on their prey through the smell of money, much like women and high class hookers. They come in all sorts of colors, but the most dangerous are the blue ones. You can find Fluffies behind your local fish mart in the dumpsters, waiting to prey on unsuspecting passers-by, as well as the rotting fish-flesh thrown out by the workers.

Baby fluffies in their natural habitat.

This one didn't make it.

Origin of Fluffies

No one is quite sure how this remarkably... fluffy creature first came into existence. Many theories have been put forward, and here, a summary of those most well-respected and common within the scientific community follow:

Israelic Origin

One theory state that Fluffies originated in Israel when Jesus was born (okay, so even if he wasn't really born, they came around that time). It all began with a couple of dead birds that were pulverized to make stew; their discarded innards and feathers were struck by lightning and brought to life (like Frankenstein, yo). The resulting, living Fluffies migrated on the backs of sea turtles across the ocean, and they can now be found in every country. (apart from Lichtenstein, due to the most sinister field of concentrated unfluffiness radiating therefrom)

Dust Bunnies

The Theory of Dust Bunnies say that the accumulating dust bunnies underneath the household couch eventually grow large enough to eat every non-Fluffie inhabitant present in the house, as well as any bookshelves the house may contain. This theory has stagnated in recent times, due to the sudden, unexplainable disappearance of the entire family of and including the well-respected scientist who originally put it forward.

Fluffy Dust

People who are fluffalized to oblivion have a tendency to be reduced into exceptionally fluffy dust; due to the question of whether the Theory of Dust Bunnies was applicable to such dust as well, its behavior has undergone an extensive study. Strong tendencies of piles of such dust to merge were soon observed. When some of the piles in question were further studied, they somehow tracelessly disappeared. The researchers studying them, upon returing, looked somewhat pale and fuzzy, and when one of them were questioned about the disappearance of the dust, he uttered only one thing, at an amazing speed; "Iggig rgegir e regegrirgugr, aregrgu!" Documented results of the study beyond that point are scarce, as most of them - along with the researchers involved - went missing, for some reason.

Hair Brushes

Hairbrushes are said to also spawn Fluffies of a special kind. These Fluffies are extraordinarily violent and can send a 10,000 megawatt static shock through the body of anyone unfortunate enough to come in contact with them. Never use your brush without first checking it for and making sure there are no visible traces of fluff present!

Tawainese Mole People

Fluffies may have originated from the ancient mole people of Taiwan. They were known for their experimentation with large, fluffy stuff, as well as their highly fluffalicious technology, which could have allowed them to succeed with the artificial creation of life in the form of Fluffies. In addition, recent historical finds have illuminated the nature of their mysterious extinction; the entire population being devoured, driving the mole people of the rest of the world to begin living hidden from the "abovegrounders", as we are called by them. Not only that, but the details are fuzzy, a clear indication of fluffiness.

Chinese Babies

A widely accepted theory states that Chinese babies, when left unsupervised, may transform into the dreaded Fluffie. Only the sight of its parents/guardians will transform it back to its harmless "baby-like" form. Caution: Never leave a Chinese baby unsupervised; you will be promptly eaten!

Fluffalicious Design

The Theory of Fluffalicious Design propose that Fluffies are, in fact, made by a fluffalicious creator. The creator in question is not specified by the theory in itself, but according to scientists, the entity most likely to have created the Fluffies is none other than the infamous, sentient divine artifact known as The Holy Broken Chair of Fluffiness. The reason for doing such is uncertain, but many have speculated that the Fluffies may in fact have been created in order to form a deadly army capable of fluffalizing anyone to oblivion, in accordance to some form of world domination plan.

Flufese

Flufese, apart from - when slurred - being the pronunciation of Fluffies most commonly used by people who are too stoned to care, is the language spoken by Fluffies. There are many distinct dialects, and it is considered extremely hard to master, let alone speak in the first place.

Dialects

The main dialects spoken are Er, Re, and Gu. Er is mostly spoken by blue and green Fluffies, Re by yellow, purple and pink Fluffies, and Gu by those brown (which, in the Fluffie world, are considered hicks). Of these Er is the most commonly spoken. There are many more, varying in use depending on continent, country, and the amount of spatulas within a 2.365 km radius. These other smaller dialects include Reg, Ge, Egr, Rrgge.

Common Er Phrases

Er is usually written in Cyrillic. We will provide the phonetic and meaning of each word or phrase. Remember: Flufese is to be spoken as fast as possible. Do not hurt yourself!

• Hello. - Gi.
• You suck. - Eg'e erer.
• Sucker! - Eg'e erergu!
• Such stupidity. - Erirgugegr aregr.
• Shut up! - Eg'e regr re!
• Goodbye. - Gir.
• I want a small child. - Iggig reg e eegee egergr.
• Spatulas make me dizzy! - Gigigigigigigigigi!
• Chinese babies make me laugh. - Gageegegu gaga rega ri rerererira.
• The Flying Spaghetti Monster - Ugeg Garereregororororogiririguru
• The Holy Broken Chair of Fluffiness - Ugeg Gigregurgugrugigururrugugriguur
• I would prefer a finer brand of baby to be poured on my cereal, if you don't mind. - Iggig ge regere e guge gugegee gi gaga go guur regura reg ug gagegigogug, i eg'e igr regegegrererereg.
• Free the fluffies! - Egigreg'ur ugeg regegrirgugr!

The Epidemic

Fluffie Supremecy Groups

As the Fluffie population grew, a large number of them began wondering, "Why are we hiding behind fish marts?" Eventually, a large meeting was held, during which a consensus was soon reached; it was time to venture beyond the fishy homelands of the Fluffies, and seek out new marts to conquer! And sinister changes soon went underway the whole world over; it was only a matter of time before marts of every kind became somewhat fluffier, and the dumpsters behind them emptier. Strange disappearances began to occur, and the Fluffies grew ever more numerous and powerful. It was only inevitable that this would eventually result in a great number of governments being overthrown by the Fluffies. This became especially prevalent in Southeast Asia and Eastern Europe. At present, it is suspected that Fluffies control the governments of Thailand, Belarus, Finland, Laos, Latvia, Bangladesh, and the U.S.A. (seeing that President Bush has nothing in his head but fluff).

Government Cover-ups

The governments of many countries have, ever since the first known incidence of Fluffies venturing beyond the fish marts they had managed to keep themselves concealed behind, been trying to cover up the Fluffie infestation. Many countries attribute most deaths to murders when in fact 81.234151% of all deaths are caused by Fluffies. Already by writing this article, I have just broken Regulation 22B, Sec. XS, Par. 7, Lin. 978 of the Vaduz Treaty banning all public mentioning of creatures that may disturb the peace of the people. Before I am taken away, I have one last thing I must tell you. We must all learn to accept the Fluffies for who they are and allow them to roam free, or at the very least, within designated Fluffy Parks. Fight the opression! Egigreg'ur ugeg regegrirgugr!