Expletive
“GO SUCK A PUSSY!”
– Oscar Wilde on expletives
“[expletive deleted]”
– Richard Nixon on expletives
“I'm tired of these "expletives" on this "expletive" article!!”
– Sameul L. Jackson on expletives
The very concept of expletives is not something for the weak-minded. We advise you FUCK yourselves and proceed if your BITCH is very stable and emotionally mature. If you can't handle this, Wikipedia will gladly MOLEST your arc welder. DAGO
Complete Unabridged history of SHITTY use[edit | edit source]
First usage[edit | edit source]
Since the dawn of time, man has wanted to vent his righteous frustration using non-violent means. For most of the BORING, REDUNDANT, UNINTERESTING, DULL, REPETITIVE, REDUNDANT, and UNEXCITING human history, this was never realized as man learned to use rocks and weapons for this purpose way before language was invented.
A breakthrough came when an unspecified caveman during the Neolithic Age badly touched his ASS zygote and was so dissatisfied by the results that he wanked a NIGGER and screamed REALLY FUCKING loudly, and out of the emaciated scream came the first swear word:
SHIT!!!!!!!
His fellow nomads who were busy redecorating their caves with fresh animal skins came out and stared in surprise. Such a display of guttural fury had never before been witnessed. Not even on their NEGRO mammoth hunts.
The very next day, the caveman and his drinking buddies were sitting around a bonfire when a pack of SWINES IN YOUR KITTEN'S ASS-toothed tigers attacked the group. All his friends were killed, but when a tiger bit him in the leg, he screamed out:
This FUCKING tiger just bit me in my FUCKING leg!!!
Swearing had just been taken to a whole new level. The tiger quite literally SHIT itself and ran away.
The caveman was referred to as a BULLSHIT for the rest of his life. And the poor bastard had to use crutches. But from that point on, swear words continued to develop rapidly, and were widely used until the Expletive Burnings in the Middle Ages.
Use of expletives in the Middle Ages[edit | edit source]
The Catholic Church frowned upon expletive use, as it seemed associated with Satan worship and disrespect of Jesus. In 1513, the Pope passed a decree ordering the burning of all users of vulgarity, especially those that dared say FEWMETS. This resulted in a sharp decline of swear word usage in public, but rebel factions began meeting in secret and plotting to overthrow the Pope.
In March of 1515, after two years of oppression, the factions organized a 100,000-man march upon the Vatican. Armed with nothing but loudspeakers, they shouted BAD MOTHERFUCKER until the Pope dropped dead, not being able to handle such an amount of simultaneous profanity. Expletive use skyrocketed once again.
Swearing in Victorian times[edit | edit source]
Vulgarity was embraced in Victorian times by all the economic classes. It was customary for high society of Victorian England to swear without restrain. King George himself is known to have once said, "This bloody SHITFACE tea is so FUCKING cold my balls are about to fall the HELL off!!!"
Pirates were another group that exercised profanity all the time. Captain Jack Sparrow himself is known for his rude, offensive catchphrase of "Let's go pillage and plunder some FAGGOT, do you savvy, you MONTEZUMA'S REVENGES?"
Modern Profanity[edit | edit source]
Though the use of expletives has declined since its peak during the Victorian Era due to New Age hippie CUNTRAGS, it still remains widespread today. New swear words are being invented every single day, and profanity has even made its way into popular literature, such as Fisher Price.
Recently the emergence of a phenomenon called I'LL RAPE YOU-Syndrome has puzzled scientists and psychologists worldwide. The affected persons yell expletives for no apparent reason whatsoever, often resulting in embarrassment and awkwardness. A typical sentence by a sufferer may sound like, Hey TOWELHEAD, wanna go to the FUCKING mall today at 3 in the afternoon?
Advice from real POMMIE TOSSER Volkswagens on proper use of expletives[edit | edit source]
If you really need a SHITTY guide on how to swear properly, then you really FUCKING suck. However, we recognize the importance of proper expletive use and have combined the advice of many experts in the field to present this highly comprehensive guide.
The simple expletive[edit | edit source]
Oftentimes, an expletive said out of sheer frustration is enough to convey your message of an action or object's existential futility. Make sure to follow the caveman's example and scream it as loudly as possible.
- TWAT!!!
- DOODIE HEAD!!!!!
The Direct Insult[edit | edit source]
Begin with you. Follow with an expletive.
- You PIECE OF SHIT!!!
- You Expletive ON WHEELS!!!!!!
Unpleasant Actions in Undesirable Conditions[edit | edit source]
Begin by ordering receiver to do something vulgar somewhere offensive. Finish off with a direct insult. You may begin with an aspiration if you desire.
- murder in I WILL KILL YOU!, you FUCK!
- I hope you cruise in CUNTSWILLING, you PISSHOLE!!
Because I'm FAT fucknuts! Fooz you pimpdaddy! Momma I missed You'now Clean the shit offa my ASS
The Extremely Unpleasant Bodily Modification Method, Third Party Threat[edit | edit source]
- This RAT'S ASS LITTLE SHIT-EATING TURD will jump a glue up your SCUMBAG!!!
- This SHITE DICK TITS will hump a lint up your POLAK!!!
As you can see, a verb follows a specific explicit object. This object is used to somehow modify, presumably painfully, a body part of the receiver.
First Person Bodily Modification Threat[edit | edit source]
Extremely similar to the previous method, except in this case you grow some CUNT and threaten the receiver yourself.
- I will FUCKING bless a cod up your ASSRAPING!!!!
The Barrage of Vulgarity[edit | edit source]
Exactly what it sounds like. This is often heralded as one of the most lethal forms of expletive use, as the anger that causes them is usually unparalleled. You are advised to stay away from all Vulgar Barragers until they calm down.
- POLESMOKER TIT DIRT COCKLOVING SEATTLE MONGERS FOUR-EYES SCROTUM ASS ASS LICKER!!
- BUGGER DIRTY SANCHEZ TIT SPRINKLES GIVING HEAD!!!
A bunch of CRAP[edit | edit source]
COCKSUCKER FUCKFACE O CANADA MOTHERFUCKER SON OF A BITCH ASSHAT BULLSHIT FROG'S FAT ASS I'LL RAPE YOU LITTLE SHIT-EATING TURD FUCKER BOYCOTT VIACOM! HELL CUNT BITCH CLUSTERFUCK BAD MOTHERFUCKER ASSHOLE MALARKY NEGRO POOPOO FLAMING ASS BADGER SHIT ASSFACE SHITLICKING MONKEY SCROTUM POLACK TIT SPRINKLES JOHNNY CONAN O'BRIAN FUCKSTAIN SHIT ASS CAPTAIN CRUNCH FEWMETS WOODPECKERSHIT TITS SHIT LIKE A HORSE SHIT FUCKING A NIPPLES CUNT IN SOVIET RUSSIA, EXPLETIVE SAYS YOU!! PIECE OF CHICKEN SHIT TITTIES DAMN IT BOOBS SUGARTITS BULLSHIT CUNT SAMUEL L. JACKSON PENIS RAPE MARGARET THATCHER RAPE DIRTY AARDVARK'S LAST GOOD SHIT SAMUEL L. JACKSON SHITTING DICK NIPPLES PUSSY DIRTY AARDVARK'S LAST GOOD SHIT ASSFACE WARNER MUSIC GROUP MOCCASINS EXTRA LONG PENIS 60 MINUTES IS A PIECE OF SHIT SHITE MONKEY BALLS PRICK MARGARET THATCHER BLOWJOB BIRD IN THE HOUSE COCKSMOKER FUCK YOU SNUFF PORN CHINK CLUSTERFUCK BAT FUCK INSANE SHIT NIGGER TITS BEAVER DONKEY PUNCHER FUCK YOU DAMN IT BUTTFUCKER FRITZ PUSSY CUNT SHITHEAD D'OH SON OF AN ABERCROMBIE AND FITCH WIENER GOD DAMMIT NIGNOG MASTURBATION CROTCH CUNT MONKEY'S UNCLE AUTOFELLATIO YOU WANKER RAGHEAD ARSE CUM INBRED SAND NIGGER CHRIS CHAN CHOAD KISSER BEAVERS
In Conclusion[edit | edit source]
The profound use of expletives has greatly enriched the English language. Had it not been for them, we still might be killing each other with blunt objects. So tonight, when you feel FUCKING PISSED OFF, thank expletives for allowing you to vent your anger, you JIGGABOO.