Expletive
“GO SUCK A MARGARET THATCHER!”
“[expletive deleted]”
“I'm tired of these "expletives" on this "expletive" article!!”
The very concept of expletives is not something for the weak-minded. We advise you FUCK yourselves and proceed if your SON OF A BITCH is very stable and emotionally mature. If you can't handle this, Wikipedia will gladly MOLEST your Minolta. FUCKSTAIN
Complete Unabridged history of COON use[edit | edit source]
First usage[edit | edit source]
Since the dawn of time, man has wanted to vent his righteous frustration using non-violent means. For most of the BORING, REDUNDANT, UNINTERESTING, DULL, REPETITIVE, REDUNDANT, and UNEXCITING human history, this was never realized as man learned to use rocks and weapons for this purpose way before language was invented.
A breakthrough came when an unspecified caveman during the Neolithic Age habitually touched his PISS CUNT JESUS FETUS anchovies and was so dissatisfied by the results that he threw a KRAUT and screamed REALLY FUCKING loudly, and out of the nefarious scream came the first swear word:
SHIT!!!!!!!
His fellow nomads who were busy redecorating their caves with fresh animal skins came out and stared in surprise. Such a display of guttural fury had never before been witnessed. Not even on their BALLS mammoth hunts.
The very next day, the caveman and his drinking buddies were sitting around a bonfire when a pack of CAMEL JOCKEY-toothed tigers attacked the group. All his friends were killed, but when a tiger bit him in the leg, he screamed out:
This FUCKING tiger just bit me in my FUCKING leg!!!
Swearing had just been taken to a whole new level. The tiger quite literally SHIT itself and ran away.
The caveman was referred to as a COCK for the rest of his life. And the poor bastard had to use crutches. But from that point on, swear words continued to develop rapidly, and were widely used until the Expletive Burnings in the Middle Ages.
Use of expletives in the Middle Ages[edit | edit source]
The Catholic Church frowned upon expletive use, as it seemed associated with Satan worship and disrespect of Jesus. In 1513, the Pope passed a decree ordering the burning of all users of vulgarity, especially those that dared say 60 MINUTES IS A PIECE OF SHIT. This resulted in a sharp decline of swear word usage in public, but rebel factions began meeting in secret and plotting to overthrow the Pope.
In March of 1515, after two years of oppression, the factions organized a 100,000-man march upon the Vatican. Armed with nothing but loudspeakers, they shouted BALLS until the Pope dropped dead, not being able to handle such an amount of simultaneous profanity. Expletive use skyrocketed once again.
Swearing in Victorian times[edit | edit source]
Vulgarity was embraced in Victorian times by all the economic classes. It was customary for high society of Victorian England to swear without restrain. King George himself is known to have once said, "This bloody DICKHEAD tea is so FUCKING cold my balls are about to fall the HELL off!!!"
Pirates were another group that exercised profanity all the time. Captain Jack Sparrow himself is known for his rude, offensive catchphrase of "Let's go pillage and plunder some FUCK A DUCK, do you savvy, you HOMOS?"
Modern Profanity[edit | edit source]
Though the use of expletives has declined since its peak during the Victorian Era due to New Age hippie WANKS, it still remains widespread today. New swear words are being invented every single day, and profanity has even made its way into popular literature, such as Fisher Price.
Recently the emergence of a phenomenon called FUCKER-Syndrome has puzzled scientists and psychologists worldwide. The affected persons yell expletives for no apparent reason whatsoever, often resulting in embarrassment and awkwardness. A typical sentence by a sufferer may sound like, Hey SOD, wanna go to the FUCKING mall today at 3 in the afternoon?
Advice from real JESUS TAPDANCING CHRIST CUNT icicles on proper use of expletives[edit | edit source]
If you really need a SHITTY guide on how to swear properly, then you really FUCKING suck. However, we recognize the importance of proper expletive use and have combined the advice of many experts in the field to present this highly comprehensive guide.
The simple expletive[edit | edit source]
Oftentimes, an expletive said out of sheer frustration is enough to convey your message of an action or object's existential futility. Make sure to follow the caveman's example and scream it as loudly as possible.
- LITTLE SHIT-EATING TURD!!!
- SON OF A BITCH!!!!!
The Direct Insult[edit | edit source]
Begin with you. Follow with an expletive.
- You FUCKFACE!!!
- You PISS!!!!
Unpleasant Actions in Undesirable Conditions[edit | edit source]
Begin by ordering receiver to do something vulgar somewhere offensive. Finish off with a direct insult. You may begin with an aspiration if you desire.
- tie in SHIT, you FRENCH TICKLER!
- I hope you stink in FUCKWIT, you FLYING FUCK!!
Because I'm FAT fucknuts! Fooz you pimpdaddy! Momma I missed You'now Clean the shit offa my ASS
The Extremely Unpleasant Bodily Modification Method, Third Party Threat[edit | edit source]
- This FENCE JUMPER YOU WANKER will model a pea soup up your BIRD SHIT!!!
- This CUNT SHITTY will explode a raccoon up your DILDO!!!
As you can see, a verb follows a specific explicit object. This object is used to somehow modify, presumably painfully, a body part of the receiver.
First Person Bodily Modification Threat[edit | edit source]
Extremely similar to the previous method, except in this case you grow some BULLSHIT and threaten the receiver yourself.
- I will FUCKING envision a hovel up your MOCCASINS!!!!
The Barrage of Vulgarity[edit | edit source]
Exactly what it sounds like. This is often heralded as one of the most lethal forms of expletive use, as the anger that causes them is usually unparalleled. You are advised to stay away from all Vulgar Barragers until they calm down.
- NIGGER BAT FUCK INSANE GOD DAMMIT SACRAMENTO BUGGER JAP DAMMIT!!
- CUNT FOUR-EYES SEMPRINI WANKSPLAT!!!
A bunch of DONALD RUMSFELD[edit | edit source]
SHITTING DICK NIPPLES RAPE DICKWAD FRED PHELPS EXTRA LONG PENIS HOLY DUMB FUCK REDSKIN URINE-GARGLING GANGBANG PORCUPINE'S BALLS SHITPISSER GOOD MORNING MR. PHELPS NAZI BAT FUCK INSANE CLUSTER FUCK GO COUNT YOUR DICK FELLATIO BUNG-HOLE TOTAL SEMEN DUMBASS TITS I'M FULL OF BATSHIT! WANKSPLAT TITS & DICKS HELLFUCKER CUNT FUCKWIT SEMEN HELL TAFFY SAND NIGGER MARGARET THATCHER ASSHAT PISS ARTIST JOHNNY GO HOME AND DIE FUCK YOU {{USERNAME}} ENCYCLOPÆDIA DRAMATICA AUTOFELLATIO BUGGER ASS WANK WIENER WANK POMMIE COCKGOBLIN ASS FUCKING A LET'S SHIT RAT'S ASS CROTCH NIGGER POMMIE ORGASM WALRUS SHIT SNUFF PORN DIRTY AARDVARK'S LAST GOOD SHIT ORGASM FUCK NIGGER I'M FULL OF BATSHIT! [expletive deleted] BALL SACK DAMN SHITSLINGING SPUNK TIMBER NIGGER BELGIUM CAN'T TAKE HIM ANYWHERE DAMN THIS IS GOOD SHIT! FUCK!!!! SHITTING DICK NIPPLES SCRATCH! GROUNDER! GENITALIA PEARL NECKLACE DOUCHEBAG DOUCHE BITCH PIGFUCKER FIST FUCK ASSRAMMER IT SUCKS MONKEYFUCK BITCH PISSHOLE SHITHEAD DAMN YOU WANKER FUCK CUNT BUTTFUCKER BUTTFUCKER RAGHEAD AMERICA ONLINE MOSES DAMN SONNY BILL WILLIAMS MONKEY'S UNCLE SHITHEAD FELCHING BALLS TAMPONS CLEMEN SHITCOCK PISS OFF MY ASS BEAVERS
In Conclusion[edit | edit source]
The profound use of expletives has greatly enriched the English language. Had it not been for them, we still might be killing each other with blunt objects. So tonight, when you feel FUCKING PISSED OFF, thank expletives for allowing you to vent your anger, you FUCKER.