Daniel Dennett
Daniel Clement Dennett the Third is a professional Santa Claus impersonator, philosopher, and athiest. Although many state that he died in April 2024, this is in fact false since per his contract he must deliver Christmas presents for one more year before being replaced by Osama bin Laden (a controversial choice that was decried by many conservatives on the grounds of his being "a diversity hire"). Dennett has spent the best part of his life studying philosophy, and by his own admission, nobody actually cares about anything he researched on the topic. Upon discovering this, Dennett switched strategy and decided to instead talk about Atheism, forming the creatively named boy band The New Atheists with his childhood friends Richard Dawkins, Christopher Hitchens, and also Sam Harris. Unfortunately, their 2007 debut album, The Four Horsemen, failed to chart on account of the unfortunate fact that no teenage girls found any of them attractive, although it did manage to chart 249th in China, were investors bought three copies in anticipation of future demand, which unfortunately never materialised, although Dawkins later uploaded it to YouTube, where Dennett paid more than half a million people to watch it, at a tax-deductible expense of nearly twelve thousand Pokémon cards.
Morality[edit | edit source]
Dennett believes that evolution created morality, much like it created male pattern baldness and hairy armpits. He says this means that religion was unnecessary; however, in 2011 he was caught praying to a medium-sized wooden statue of Charles Darwin, although he ran away before photographers could capture the scene. Later, when questioned, he suggested that it must have been a professional Daniel Dennett impersonator that they had seen, since he had no recollection of having been in that particular hotel room at the time, and certainly knew nothing about the all-you-can-eat buffet breakfast downstairs. He has since, and even prior, presented himself an immensely intelligent, perhaps even the most intelligent, however, this claim has been disputed repeatedly by Sam Harris. However, Dennett pointed to the fact that he had an honourary degree from Radboud University, and that he had been recognised as a Fellow by many prestigious institutions that no one has ever heard of.
Intelligence[edit | edit source]
Early in his career, there was speculation that Dennett was in fact a heavily disguised robot. He later disproved this simply by eating food. He has described AI as a parasite and has written several research papers on developing a vaccine against it (resulting in the development of a highly concentrated veil of pure ethanol, which Dennett gifted to Christopher Hitchens, along with a cigarette with extra tar, for his final birthday). In 2017 he stated that AI that rivaled or matched human intelligence was at least fifty years away, which clearly can't be true, since I struggle to beat even the easiest chess bots. Because of this, leading chatbots have been trained on everything Dennett has ever said, so that they may outsmart him in any debate. Dennett, however, employed the age-old solution of unplugging the computers, hence winning the debate, although the subsequent electrical fire burned down several buildings.
Musical career[edit | edit source]
After a particularly drunken TV appearance, one of Dennett's most ardent friends, Chris Hitchens, sent him and Richard Dawkins a message suggesting they start a band. They agreed but, since none of them knew how to make music, they decided to send an invitation to Sam Harris (singer), however, the postman had recently used psychadelics, and delivered the letter to the wrong door. And the rest is history, if anyone was actually interested. They immediately set about recording an album, but all hated the idea of "songs" so instead decided to make a video. This, rather dully, just included all four sitting round a table talking, while Hitchens chain-smoked. It was titled "The Four Horsemen" and sold a total of seven copies, four of which were bought by Dennett as Christmas presents for the others. After that the band went on hiatus, although the members made various reunions to a completely uninterested audience at many conferences, before reuniting for Glastonbury 2009, where Sam Harris was arrested for wearing a T‑shirt depicting Jesus and Mohammad holding hands, with the text underneath reading "fanfiction" in rainbow colours, and Dennett left after deciding he would rather present another TED Talk, where he argued that not only was God not real, the concept of "god" had evolved from an initial story of a legendary goat that had managed to carry thirty kilograms of wood up a mountain, based on fossil evidence that was later discovered to have been faked by Dennett's wife. Owing to this, Dennett decided to switch his focus back to philosophy, and also gave up music to become an amateur poet.
Discography[edit | edit source]
| Title | Details | US Chart Positon | UK Chart Position | China Chart Position |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Brainstorms | Book, 1981 | -1 | (did not chart) | (did not chart) |
| Kinds of Minds | Book, 1997 | 99e999 | (did not chart) | (did not chart) |
| The Four Horsemen | Video, 2007 | (did not chart) | (did not chart) | 249 |
| I've Been Thinking | Book, 2023 | (did not chart) | (banned) | (did not chart) |