Dancing with the SARS
~ Noel Coward on Dancing with the SARS
Dancing with the SARS (DwtS) is a chronic disease which has spread to many third-world countries, including Argentina, Australia, Austria, Belgium, Brazil, Chile, Denmark, Estonia, Finland, Germany, Hungary, Israel, India, Italy, Mexico, The Netherlands, New Zealand, Ukraine, USA, Poland, Spain, and Norway.
While symptoms vary somewhat from victim to victim, sufferers from this terrible affliction can be recognised by their spasmodic, arrhythmic twitching, hideous Joker-like grins affixed to their faces, and a mysterious inability to punch Daryl Somers in the throat. It has been linked to Dancing on Icitis and the currently untreatable It Takes Two Syndrome.
Initial symptoms may include: twitching, grinning like an idiot, the delusion that the sufferer is a celebrity, bad dress sense and the inducement of nausea in those observing the victim. There is some dispute in medical circles as to whether this nausea can strictly be considered a symptom, as it is possible to throw a brick through the television, but as many of those suffering from nausea are being forced to watch by their girlfriends or wives, this may lead to loss of vital organs, or at the very least access to the aforementioned partners' vital organs.
So far sufferers (apart from those watching) have been confined to the D-List, but there appears to be a danger than C-List "personalities" may soon be contaminated. There is little danger to the community at large, unless they do something notable such as fall down a flight of stairs or lose a gameshow.
Current victims include:
- Failed Politicians
- Chess nerds
- Ex-Wives of sports stars
- Has-been actors
- Total non-entities made almost as famous as a duck
- Loser losers
- Minor stars of third rate soap-operas
- Anyone waching this crap
The current diagnosis process is rather crude, and could
easily be mistaken for an attempt at entertainment. Sufferers are held by a trained nurse in front of a panel of four highly trained doctors and are allowed to twitch and wobble violently across the floor while being protected from serious injury by the nurse. The panel of doctors then rate the progress of the disease with a score of 1 to 10, with the least serious cases - in other words, those who move the least - being given lower ratings. After a 7 to 8 week evaluation period, the most serious cases are deemed uncurable.
As of this writing, no cure exists for this tragic, tragic disease. To avoid infection, keep a brick close to the TV at all times, and under no circumstances allow your partner near a TV Week.
In an interview with one sufferer Alex Carpenter:
Me "Now Mr Carpenter, when were you first diagnosed with dwts?"
Alex "I've always been dancing since I was in nappies, only, no-one else realised my jerky twitchy flailings were such an agonising condition for me. Watching others dance i'd be overcome with the urge... and sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night just dancing like an orangutang. Now I have to remain tied down 24/7- even now I am docing with my eyelids.."
How to tell if you've got Dancing with the SARS
- Do you currently have a career in the entertainment industry?
- Upon hearing loud music, do you find yourself moving in exact time with the beat?
- Do you find yourself wearing inexplicably fashionable clothes?
If, on the other hand, you display none of the above symptoms but are still in front of a camera twitching spasmodically, there's probably no hope for you.