Home and Away

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“I never used to watch this show, but now that they have girls kissing each other, I can't get enough of it!”

~ Kevin Rudd on Home and Away

“Cunt's fucked. Listen here boy.”

~ Alf Stewart being a good father

“So... You found my rape dungeon, Ya fucking cunt...”

~ Alf Stewart on his rape dungeon

Home and Away is a violent Australian TV soap opera classified AV 15+, following the lives of the actors in Australian TV and ezra mckena Star of the show! drama Neighbours, with which it should not be confused, and vice versa. It should also be confused with the Australian soap opera also called Neighbours. A third TV show, entitled Home and Hosed, is currently in production, but recommendations for confusion of this have not yet been made. Its' plots all seem to center around teenage girls finding out their sisters are actually their mothers and people putting puppets in washing machines.

The Meaning of "Home and Away"[edit]

The show has it's title because half of the characters in the series are currently away, while the others, of course, are at home. So yes, the show is pretty boring, but they did add in that lesbian story line to pick up viewers, and hell now everyone watches it!

Scriptwriting and direction[edit]

Since its debut in 1974, it has been written by Johann Wolfgang von Goethe and directed by Stanley Kubrick. The show is noted for its hard-hitting commentary on social dysfunction, dealing with such issues as drug abuse, alcoholism, rape, sleeping, underage drinking, racism, eating pretzels, trailer trash, forgetting things, obesity, going to school, racism, cults, going to Adelaide, racism, fashion, cheesemaking, mental retardation, changing the subject, lying, putting on makeup, cheating, wacko stepmothers, overcrowded houses, racism, injury, the dole, incest, promiscuity, boganism and racism.

Moral issues and allegory[edit]

The only 'black' character, Alf 'Strike me flamin' 'andsome' Stewart, is in fact played by the white actor Sir John Gielgud. The UN Convention on Actors' Rights has repeatedly condemned this situation. As a snub to the UN, several episodes have featured Alf Stewart performing derogatory stereotypical 'black' actions like rapping, carrying suitcases and shizzling his nizzle. Alf spends most of his time in his rape dungeon rapinn several children but no one seems to care cos they happen to be Asiasn children he stole from the market. If he isn't in his rape dungeon he is either stomping cunts with his boots or just casually raping young boys in a diner.

Goethe's writing frequently presents characters with tortuous dualistic Faustian dilemmas; a particularly long-running example of this is the interminable indecisiveness of Sunrise regular Stefan Dennis (played by 1997 Academy Award-winner Sir Charles Woodgang, GBE) about whether to have a beer at home or go to the surf club. The moral consequences of each, either and both actions are debated by Dennis's inner voices until the character has driven himself to such mental turmoil that his right leg falls off.

In a slightly famous interview in 1988, actor Terry Waite revealed that many episodes were allegorical. According to Waite, episode #2077, in which Waite's character Jim Robinson discovers his brother's car keys down the back of a sofa, is an allegory of Albert Camus's 1930 existential comedy La Peste ('The Pest').

Other allegorical episodes have apparently covered the invention of the steam engine (#733), the Second World War (#901-#902), the assassination of John F Kennedy (#1301) and the Spice Girls' split (#1677).

The 2000th episode, aired on 23 January 2005, was celebrated by having each character deliver their lines through a kazoo, rating was changed to AV 15+.

Theme Parody[edit]

You know we live by family You know we are not neighbours I wonder where we were, The surf club or the diner

Always rootin everyone never keepin close I want to go so far, Home and Hosed, without a Rose

Your the guiding moon this never tuned by But now you will deny that Away from Doze, Home and Hosed


In 1989 the show courted controversy during an episode when a character claimed he was playing a clarinet. However, on closer inspection it appeared to be a flute. International condemnation was laid upon the program from several world leaders, in particular Australian PM Bob Hawke who called for the death penalty to be reintroduced in the Commonwealth and for the writers to face sever punishment. This episode in particular is often attributed as the cause for the 1989 Tianamen Square Riot.

Another episode caused controversey when Aden Jeffries tried to come on to Geoff Cambell. Geoff Was disgusted as he was catholic and only wanted to be with Miles,Alf,Jai,Ric,Drew,Roman and Tony anyway.

Cameo appearances[edit]

Saudi actor Osama bin Laden made his screen debut on the show in 1992, playing the character 'Jay-Son Done-A-Van' in a hospital scene. He was shown hooked up to a dialysis machine and had only one line ("I would have, but there was no sherbet").

Croquet legend Sir Donald Bradman also appeared in an episode in 1954. In a non-speaking role, he was seen holding towels for then lead actor Søren Kierkegaard. Bradman's role has since been taken over by towel-holding specialist Ricky Martin, who has appeared as the same (unnamed) non-speaking character in every subsequent episode.

Famous ex-stars[edit]

A number of now famous actors once graced the shores of Summer Bay. Lil' Lleyton Hewitt and his wife Bec Cartwheel won the Australian Open Mixed Doubles Tennis Final during a live to air broadcast during Home and Away's timeslot.

Current characters[edit]

= Sid Walker A doctor who is secretly a gay rabbit -
Name Description

Alf Stewart
An Australian stereotype. Calls male members of the town Bruces and female members of the town Sheilas. Also uses indistinguishable words and phrases such as "flamin' galalah", "Hogan's Ghost", "Struth" and "strike me flamin' 'andsome!" The residents of Summer Bay treat him like a god even though he's completely retarded. Runs a bait shop and has an unhealthy obsession with fishing. Rumours around the town say he has a somewhat 'colourful relationship' with the fishes he catches.

Recently it has come to light Alf has a fondess for sexual torture of young inhabitants of Summer bay, namely in his Fort Knox like rape dungeons. A memorable example occurred when Alf threatened to drop his pants and show everyone his best work right in public, though his gratification was halted as he was told "not in the Diner Alf, not in the diner". When not sodomising youngsters Alf also enjoys 'stomping cunts' with his boots, wearing 'shitty fucking jackets', winning logies and 'stonin' the flamin' crows' whilst at the same time taking the piss out of Rebecca Gibney. It also been reported Alf has bought a share in a timber plantation, due to his constant need for more wood (get it) to build further dungeons.

Alf was previously married to a woman named Ailsa and had a son named Duncan. After Ailsa died, Duncan went off the rails and never spoke to Alf again, a 'flamin' mongrel' by any incest boy's standards.


Miles Copeland
Also known as Milco, Mad Miles and Curly Haired Man. Originally appeared on the show back in 1957 as Sally's imaginary friend Milco. 50 years later, Sally found a dirty old tramp on the beach. Little did she know, this Tramp was her imaginary friend Milco. Except he wasn't imaginary and he was actually her brother. Rather than tell her straight out that he was her sibling, he wrote the words MILCO out on the beach but sadly the sea washed it out.

After slipping a large concoction of drugs into her drink one night, Sally suddenly became convinced via hallucinogenic flashbacks, that Milco also known as Miles was her brother. She then promptly employed him as a teacher in Summer Bay High despite having no experience. Mostly he sits in the classroom pulling stupid faces, eating food and generally just being really annoying. Sally obviously realised how damn annoying her long lost brother was and after a failed assassination attempt, she decided to leave the Bay to escape the Almighty headwrecker. Despite being as ugly as a koala's backside, Miles has no problem pulling the local Summer Bay Sheilas who all measure high on the Australian Scale Of Erections. Some of these ladies include sexy secretary Jazz Curtis, Penélope Cruz lookalike Leah Poulos-Baker, police babe and occasional lesbian Charlie Buckton, and plus size model Kirsty Sutherland.

Miles started a relationship up with Kirsty after drugging her. When the drugs wore off, Kirsty would split with Miles to return to her former lover and 'attacker' (that's Summer Bay language for rapist) of her sister Kane. Once Miles successfully assassinated Kane off-screen, he and Kirsty had a good relationship going for a long time. Poor Kirsty, however, felt trapped. Miles impregnated Kirsty and she miscarried. This miscarriage was the perfect excuse to leave Miles forever so with the help of her MILF Shelly, she and her son Ollie escaped Miles' evil grip.

Miles is in competition with local matriarch Irene Roberts to see who can collect the most strays of the street. Irene is seasoned at child catching but Miles is catching up quickly having taken in Kirsty's 'accident' Ollie, mental case Melody, 'the only Asian in the village' Jai, Paris Hilton wannabe Nicole and summer bay hating, Mink "bad hair day" Carpenter.


Nicole Franklin
nicole came on the show and fell in love with her best friends dad.... now she is afraid that her current boyfriend isn't happy.... awww. Nicole has had a total of 13458,908765,334,55655,22134433,88676, boyfriends, 2 girlfriends and 7 people who are unsure of their gender.

Romeo Smith
he is a true romantic that is in love with a girl that is ditchng him for ugly little kids in Japan
Marylin Chambers Ex-Wife of Donald Fisher, A wannabe fortune teller who prowls out at night chasing male nurses. Her weapon of choice is her blonde hair.
Colleen Stewart Desperate for gossip and cant keep anything to her self, including her virginity.
Irene Roberts a lawyer!
Annie Campbell Romeo is in love with her but she is ditching him for Japan.... what a sweet girl!, She has also been rumored to have cut her hair in a Justin Bieber cross Emma Watson fashion
Ruby Buckton she is shy! It also took her an incredible 18 years for her to find out that her apparent 'sister' was actually her mother!
Charlie Buckton a police woman who thinks she is smart!
Leah Poulos-Baker is in love with the local priest who was the last person to see her husband alive she also lied to her son about his dad!
Vincent 'VJ' Poulos-Baker leah's naive son, who evidently thinks he is a 21-year-old man, stupid boy
Angelo Rosetta Labelled 'Risotto' by Colleen and 'a crim' by the CIA, Angelo is taking the law by the balls and currently resides in Charlie's brain.
Elijah Johnson the local priest that got caught by his boss kissing his girl friend (leah) not so chasitely in the caravan park!
Tony Holden A mentally retarded hot-heat whose fists have kept him alive after several outbreaks of verbal diarrhoea.
April Scott Middle names' May, June, July, and August, April and her sister Bianca have been rumored to be trying too hard to be the next Charlie and Ruby
Bianca Scott Used to be a professional con artist, ripping off many T.V shows. She now owns a horse ranch where she frequently rides horses, A LOT.
Gina Austin Principal of Summer Bay. Known for sleeping with the wrong guys.
Xavier Austin Currently dating April because he is two months behind on schoolwork.
Martha Holden Yes! She left the show! That emo girl was a right proper promiscuous bitch.
Liam Murphy Single and lovin' it. I wrote an album about how much I hate my ex.
John Palmer When John entered the show he weighed two stone and smoked 90 a day, he quit smoking, got together with Alf and Colleen and now he's a dog washer and is on $2 an hour, (he's back baby).
Aden Jeffries In the army. That's all you need to know, Julia.
Sasha Bezmel A slutty bitch who is currently Colleens' hired assassin, she sleeps with people, then kills them.
Roo Stewart A fiery Jamaican with an unhealthy love of guinea pigs. Her chosen career is prostitution.
Penn Graham Jesus II, who is trying to save the Home and Away stars from themselves. The Romans will try to kill him on the Ides of August.