Coin flipping

This box demonstrates a simple form of coin flipping, "The Bird and Egg." Note the extended middle finger on the right hand side. Traditionally, the other fingers are curled, with the middle extended, but this was reversed to comply with Chinese decency laws.

A combination of cock trick and flip off, coin flipping is when you make obscene gestures whilst manipulating one or more coins, in a skillful and/or seemingly-impossible manner. This was a preferred pastime before the advent of sex. Like sex, it is considered sinful, both because of the obscenity and because, like all stage magic, it is considered a gateway to the occult.

History

Generally recognized as the national sport, coin flipping has its origins in ancient China as a measure to ward off invading Mongol armies by bravely tossing them shiny disks of precious metals and hoping that they would go away. Such methods were later refined in order to further entertain the Mongols, and distract them long enough to create gunpowder, at which point the practice was all but abandoned until the Opium Wars. While the British and French armies were much less cowed by flying disks of gold, the practice was found to be an excellent way to avoid mutinies, and spread throughout victorian Europe as a decisive strategy in the revolutions of 1848. Tsar Nicholas II famously utilized his patented coin flipping techniques to quell the Russian Revolution of 1905, which left peasants so mesmerized that many refused to move, causing a famine which lasted seven years.

Russian culture and coin flipping would continue to remain intertwined, even with the advent of christianity. Russia would officially go on to adopt coin flipping as the national sport in 1953 to celebrate Stalin's death, and would spread these practices to the Eastern Bloc. It is said that those that could flip a coin from under their legs and into a can at a distance of one meter away verifiably would be awarded the Hero of the Soviet Union and a sack of turnips.

Unfortunately, the fall of the Soviet Union would have dire consequences for coin flipping, which was seen as a tool of the party to control the masses, causing it to soon become outlawed throughout all former soviet nations under supervision of the European Union. President Bill Clinton of the United States would go on to outlaw coin flipping worldwide in an announcement to the international community following the George W. Bush shoeing incident, said to be motivated by the United States Army's use of coin flipping against ethnic Iraqi populations. Coin flipping was officially declared eradicated by the WHO on September 21, 2010.

Tricks

• The bird and the egg: considered the most basic trick, one puts a coin in the palm, flicks off the audience with that hand, and the coin re-appears in the other hand. This is often repeated, and often at high speed.

• The birds and the bees: With both middle fingers extended, one causes the coin to dance in a fast a rhythmic manner across both hands.

• The alchemical marriage: After revealing both hands to be empty, one palms a silver coin, usual a nickel, and flicks off the audience. Then the other hand, which is empty, is construed to resemble a vagina. After inserting the middle finger into the other hand, it is withdrawn and becomes flaccid. Then the vaginal hand is shown to contain a coin of greater value, often gold in color.

• Odysseus' Journey: Similar to the Alchemical Marriage, except for the second hand is made to resemble the anus instead of the vagina, and, instead of one gold coin, several copper pennies are produced.

• Around the world: One causes the coin to dance around both hands and arms, eventually falling into the mouth. The mouth is then shown to be empty. The coin is then pulled from the anus. More daring practitioners occasionally involve the ears and nostrils. Women attempting this trick often involve the vagina, usually instead of the anus. Attempts to hide a coin in, or pull a coin from, the male urethra is not recommended.

• The fire ants and the porcupine: considered a master-level trick, no clear description exists.

• The badger and the diamond: A few variations exist, of which only a handful have been attempted, always with horrible results.
• Blue steel: This move has never been achieved, and can never be hoped to be achieved by mortal man.