Carndonagh

Carndonagh

GENERAL INFORMATION
motto	"If at first you don't succeed, stay here Sir..."
GEOGRAPHY
county	Co. Donegal
country	Ireland
DEMOGRAPHICS
population	19
languages / dialects	Cultch (It's english only...not)

Carndonagh is a town on the Inishowen peninsula in County Donegal, Republic of Ireland.

History

Nestled between Inishowen's rugged mammaries, Carndonagh lies inconspiciously on the plains of the peninsula. Popular belief suggests that the town's name originates from 'Carn' meaning Rock, and 'Domhnach' meaning Sunday. However, this is a myth peddled by the clergy, who to this day guard the true origins with disproportionate ferocity.

While it is true that Carndonagh literally means Sunday Rock, in truth it pertains to a music festival organized by Patrick St. Funk. The party is said to have lasted six days, with the revellers resting on the seventh. Amoung the headliners at the concert were, St. Bridget and the Banshees, Big Willie and the Hand Shandies, and Mickey Joe Van Halen. The latter being a distant ancestor of Eddie, whose rider included such outrageous demands as, there were to be no black faced horned ewe lambs in his after-show 'pleasure flock'. Not only is it such hedonistic shennanigans that the church object to, but also the vast amount of drugs available in the Churchland Quarters area of the town at the time.

Business

Although Carndonagh is now a thriving little town, this wasn't always the case. In living memory shops were few and products were fewer. Shops used to named after the items they sold. For example - B&M - Bananas and Muck, B&K - Bricks and Kettles (an annual 'Kettle Show' is held where locals display the quality of their kettles, cover themselves in homemade jam and wrestle for the coveted title of 'Bastard') and, more recently, G&S - Grapes and Shovels. The modern day CO-OP was born of a kissing booth set up in the late seventies by Coleman and Ophelia McLaughlin. The Courthouse was originally a brothel where farmers would go for a court after a long day at the mart, thus explaining where Pound Street got it's name.

One of the town's many claims to fame is that the modern country of Pakistan was actually founded by a Carndonagh resident called Patrick Stanley Doherty. Being a Doherty in Carndonagh meant that Patrick was more widely known by his nickname "Packy Stan". Packy has gone on record saying that as a big fan of John Wayne "I only invented the place to piss of them fucking Indians, but it was only years later I found out I'd put it in the wrong place altogether". That statement caused great offense to Packy's third cousin from Arizona, John Joe Geronimo. John Joe expressed his regret at the remark and retracted his offer to donate his collection of Derry Journals to the Dohertysonian Museum. Attendance has, in recent years, declined at the once lauded Dohertysonian. The local intellectual commented "Wains is all hooked up to their Station Players and isn't interested in hearing the story of the flax mills or the the sweet song of the Rickety Wheel no more".

Facts

Carndonagh smells faintly of disappointment and vinegar.

According to the McGuinness Book of Records the town boasts the most dizzy rednecks in the world, superceding Southern America's Nascar hicks in 1991 when the one-way system was introduced in the Diamond.

Tommy Tiernan spent a few years of his early life in Carn, but the little bastard remembers very little because of a gypsy curse put on him for picking his nose and eating it during Mass.

Carndonagh was almost knocked off the map during January 2007 when a ferocious storm virtually demolished the town. Not a single building escaped and damage was caused to the tune of €18.47. Other tunes continue to suffer damage in the local "singing" pubs to this day.

Sights

The centrepiece of the town is 'The Diamond' despite the fact that it's actully a triangle. It was renamed 'The Diamond', after a petition by the townsfolk in a two fingers up to the Two Dimensional Cartesian Geometry that was popular at the time. The locals felt they could not rest until the obvious contradictions to the reduction principles of the Poincare Conjecture suggested by the old name, were resolved. The Donagh Cross is another popular fortification with visitors. Although it's past is shrouded in mystery, it is now commonly accepted that it was erected by Romans so they had somewhere to hang their hats after a hard day's raping and pilliging. Carndonagh is a popular destination of those interested in the paranormal and the occult. This is mainly because of two particularly strange anomilies. Firstly, the Ballyliffen Road which actually goes to Carn.(This is not a singular phenomena in Carndonagh as the Moville Road also leads to Carndonagh, as does the Derry road, the Malin road and the Buncrana road thus creating untold confusion to the less wily traveller who having entered Carndonagh have found it impossible to leave. Thus the town harbours confused characters whose identity is only known by their origin, i.e. Charlie the German or Jean Guy the Frenchman, who still seek the fabled exit road out of Carndonagh. And, of course, the beast of Woodtop. A mysterious entity with more gums than Christmass Bingo. See an artist's impression here [1].

Media

Carndonagh has been the location for many popular films.

Molly's Brae Cop - A tale of a local guard who infiltrates an illegal dung smuggling ring.

Murder on the Lough Swilly Express - The moving story of a youth who lost his life when he said 'WAAA' to an armed culchie.

Deliverence - The uplifting story of a local postman who manages to deliver a letter with a name but no address.

Charlie and the Shirt Lifters Factory - A story about the difficulties of operating a shirt factory during the much publicised starch shortage. Flopped at the box office.

The Sperminator - Emotionally charged recount of the trials and tribulations of the local A.I. man. Based on a true story.

Last Tango In Parish - A video of the last Pioneer Social held in The Colgan Hall before it's renovation.

Kickass - An account of the diabolical abuse of a donkey shot on location in Craigtown - the film that is, not the donkey.

Also, songs have been written about the area.

Once bitten, twice swung by the Tits - A little ditty about a night in the local disco, Tul Na Ri.

I Got You Babe by The Stones. A painfull rendition of the old Sonny & Cher hit.

How Bazaar by Oliver McCallion (OMC) - A catchy little number about the annual Bazaar in the Colgan Hall.

Glenn Hoddle & Chris Waddle had a hit with this little stinker during their brief stint with Carn FC in 1987. Watch it here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1KEMMfV5-Qg].