Bizarro logic

Bizarro Logic is the logic by which Bizarro World runs, although in Bizarro World running things do not move at all. Bizarro logic is highlighted by its mass of contradictions, paradoxes, fallacies, and total ignorance to causality. Bizarro logic demands that things in Bizarro World be the opposite to things in the normal world. However, since the omnipotent being that created Bizarro World was lazy and unimaginative, this doesn’t always hold true. Furthermore, what is "the opposite" in Bizarro World is actually the same, and versa-vice. It’s said like that in Bizarro World, and by that I mean it isn’t said like that.

Examples of bizarro logic

A prime example of how bizarro logic works can be demonstrated as so:

1. In this world, people are mortal.
2. In Bizarro World, everything is the opposite.
3. Therefore, in Bizarro World, people live forever.

This classic example of bizarro logic demonstrates how everyone in bizarro world is immortal. Unfortunately it’s not as simple as that, as extrapolating further into bizarro logic:

1. In this world, “immortal person” does NOT mean “a person that eats toenails.”
2. In Bizarro World, everything is the opposite.
3. Therefore, in Bizarro World, being immortal means that you eat toenails.

Note how bizarro logic becomes more sophisticated when the first statement becomes a negation of something in this world. One need not understand the opposite of what is in order to understand bizarro logic – merely the opposite of what is not. Other examples of this include:

1. In this world, people cannot fly.
2. In Bizarro World, everything is the opposite.
3. Therefore, in Bizarro World, people can fly.

1. In this world, people generally do not shit fiery hot coal.
2. In Bizarro World, everything is the opposite.
3. Therefore, in Bizarro World, people shit fiery hot coal.

1. In this world, playing air guitar does not involve ritualistic sacrifice of children.
2. In Bizarro World, everything is the opposite.
3. Therefore, in Bizarro World, lots of babies die when air guitars are played.

The situation becomes more complex when a statement is already reversed, as is such with the Russian Reversal. However, it's not that difficult.

1. In this world, in Soviet Russia, food eats YOU!
2. In Bizarro World, everything is the opposite.
3. Therefore, in Bizarro Soviet Russia, you EAT FOOD?

Paradox and solution

It becomes readily apparent to tightasses that the nature of bizarro logic is paradoxical. Because one can imply the opposite of something that is not in this world to figure out what is in Bizarro World, multiple contradictory Bizarro World facts can be created.

1. In this world, the earth has not been destroyed by cabbage.
2. In Bizarro World, everything is the opposite.
3. Therefore, in Bizarro World, the earth has been destroyed by cabbage.

1. In this world, Diana Ross has not eaten sixteen geese after being punched in the knees by David Blaine.
2. In Bizarro World, everything is the opposite.
3. Therefore, in Bizarro World, Diana Ross has eaten sixteen geese after being punched in the knees by David Blaine.
4. In Bizarro World, everything is the opposite.

Note the supposed paradox. Was Bizarro World earth destroyed by cabbage, or by MC Hammer-worshipping zombies? In this world, the answer would be that it couldn’t be both. Of course, since everything is the opposite in Bizarro World, it could be both. As well, since everything is the opposite, destroyed worlds in Bizarro World are actually worlds that are not destroyed. Therefore everything makes perfect sense, kinda. A mathematical foruma proves that there is, in fact, no actual paradox in bizarro logic because bizarro logic dictates that paradoxes are the opposite of paradoxes.

$Bizarro\cdot (sin(Cabbage_{A})+cos(MCHammer-WorshippingZombies_{B}))\,\!=PerfectLogic.$

How to use Bizarro Logic to your own Evil Advantage...or at least to make fun of someone

First, it's apparent that someone who sucks* here would rock** in Bizarro World...right? Wrong. Let's say that a guy, named... Jar Jar Binks, sucks here, and a guy, like Chuck Norris rocks here. Logically, Jar Jar Binks would rock there, and Chuck Norris would suck. BUT! Jar Jar Binks is NOT Chuck Norris here, so therefore he IS Chuck Norris in Bizarro World! And Chuck Norris sucks there! So either way, in both this world and Bizarro world, Jar Jar Binks would suck.

• (Suck = Not Awesome)
  • (Rock = Awesome)

Extrapolations from bizarro logic

Although our understanding of Bizarro World is somewhat limited, the use of bizarro logic allows us to infer many facts about Bizarro World, including:

• Andrew Dice Clay remains funny to this day.
• Asians are generally disinterested in tentacle rape.
• Bizarro Hitler, a German-born Austrian slave who didn't fight in World Peace I, resigned from being the democratic king of everywhere except Germany, left Poland, and singlehandedly brought a few Jews back to life using a dispersion camp.
• Coke tastes vastly different than Pepsi, and Pepsi tastes completely different than Coke. This is also true for 7up and Sprite, and for Dr.Pepper and Pibb.
• Conservapedia is a reliable, unbiased source of information for Christians and non-Christians alike. It's article on homosexuality is particularly fair. Though its article on X-Men consists of pure mad ramblings about how it's a rightwing plot to turn everyone into Catholic Nazis by using the power of the dog-headed angel queen Cthulhu to make readers contract a virus, causing you to develop microchip-like tumors, tumors that, by the power of Cthulhu, hack your shapeshifting center to turn readers into Catholic Nazis
• Ears are a part of the digestive system.
• Everybody listens to Beethoven's 4th Symphony nowadays.
• Firefighters slide up poles.
• In the Bizarro World, Philosophy is the most marketable college major.
• Pretzels are good for artificial insemination.
• You do everything you would normally the same on Opposite Day.
• Caviar tastes ten times better than pussy.
• It is a big crime to help people.
• Everybody agrees that murderers should be rewarded with resurrection
• Wikipedia is funny, while Uncyclopedia is so boring most people tend to remove their own eyes with double-sided sporks when reading it.
• James Knox Polk has been every president except for the eleventh one.
• Keira Knightley wears a black corset, while Kate Beckinsale wears the white one.
• Everyone is required by law to fly with 37 Eggo waffles and gallbladders Gorilla Glued to their armpits several times every August.
• Oscar Wilde does not like to make quotes about things.
• Pitchfork Media absolutely hates Radiohead. The mere thought of the band causes them to become homicidal.
• Pencils remove marks, while erasers re-mark them.
• People swim in fire.
• Cold water can burn human flesh.
• Dane Cook is the funniest heterosexual in existence.
• Wikipedia is a crystal ball, and only documents events from the future.
• Puppy Huffing is an extremely popular pastime.
• Star Wars was a snuff film.
• The Catholics are right about God.
• The continent of Europe does not, and has never existed.
• There are no fat chicks.
• Shoving a digital camera down someone's throat will cure them from AIDS. They won't, however, suffocate on it.
• Scientology is a pure fact.
• VH1 and MTV love music and are 100% dedicated to it 24/7.
• The year 1649 is considered new, while the present year is old.
• Thrusting knives into people causes massive wounds to heal.
• Tigers eat ping-pong balls for breakfast.
• TV shows are generally considered obsolete when their shark stars have to fall back on the old cliché of jumping over people.
• Virgins are total sluts.