Auchtermuchty
| Auchtermuchty | |
|---|---|
| Motto: "Don't ask, don't tell" | |
| Civic anthem: Anything by The Proclaimers | |
| State | Scotland |
| Official nickname | Incest Tourist Resort |
| Official language(s) | Scottish, Queer looks into eyes of your relatives |
| Mayor | None |
| Established | 1880 |
| Currency | Wool, Scottish money |
| Opening hours | None |
“What Doesnae kill ye, makes ye stonger”
Auchtermuchty or Muchty (Gaelic: Uachdar Mucadaidh - English interpretation: "town with many cellars") is a town in Fife, Scotland, situated beside Pitlour Hill nine miles north of Glenrothes and was founded in 1743 by a Austrian immigrant called Helmut Fritzl, quite how an Austrian ended up in this at one time beautiful part of the Fife country side has never truly been established but there were rumours of incest back home in Austria and in later years his house in Muchty. The first 20 years of this towns existence showed signs of slow growth so the town mayor Helmut Fritzl forced through laws that legalised incest.
The town at that time only had a population of 6 who were all from the Fritzl family but within the next 50 years the population grew to 300. In 1800 the over weight mayor Pritzl Fritzl allowed the first non Fritzl family to settle within the town limits there by increasing the gene pool to 2. When World War 1 started the Fritz’s changed there name in keeping with the national spirit at the time but because by now the population was so high it was decided all the first born sons should choose the surname they wanted which made the postman’s job much easier.
Muchty Today[edit | edit source]
The Auchtermuchty of today has changed a lot since its conception by its founding father/brother but the one thing keeping it tied to the past is its populations over indulgence in incest. The town has quite an illustrious history for producing talented musicians but a recent study has suggested that this too may be down to incest, the exceptionally talented accordion player Jimmy Shand may have used his extra finger to good use creating a style of accordion playing that is impossible for a 5 fingered player to replicate, and who could forget the Siamese twins that were known to the public as the Proclaimers. The Proclaimers were conjoined twins who were separated at the age of 15 by a freak accident with a bus, after this accidental separation they went on to musical stardom mainly backed by Americans who wanted to believe they had Scottish roots and also drunk Scottish people who completely forget that the Proclaimers are more Austrian than Scottish.
Muchty has featured on the small screen when the creators of the Dr Findley remake were passing through the town in search of a suitable small town to film the program in. when they seen that Muchty would need updated rather than retro graded they thought they hit the jackpot.
Auchtermuchty has also featured in the theme music for the children’s cartoon theme tune called Family Ness and also in the Miller beer adverts.
It has been announced today that as of 01-01-2011, Auchtermuchty will be twinned with Gnosall in Staffordshire, due to the distinct similarity in the history of the two towns. This was confirmed today by Royston Sixfingers, Mayor of Gnosall.
Auchtermuchty is commonly known for it's white socks and six fingered gloves. And most popular it's insestious background.
Muchty Fashion[edit | edit source]
The towns traditional dress has only really kept up with the times due to the fact that the locals only ever go clothes shopping at the nearby Kinross Sunday market. here those muchtys who don’t make there own clothes can buy 3 socks for a £1 and such trendy items as turquoise shell suits. Regardless of current fashion trends the 2 items that will never go out of fashion in this quaint little town are white socks and 6 fingered gloves.
For events such as weddings and funerals the locals will often dress up by wearing a shirt and tie with their shell suits making them look as one local put it “smert as ass”. This formal wear however is not often worn to the many court appearances the average Muchtonian will attend in their average life span of 33 years, for court appearances and job interviews they will often go clothes line shopping in the (compared to Muchty) up market Fife town of Ballingry or alternatively if it is in the summer months they will simply steal the clothes from one of the many Eastern Europeans working in the nearby fields. This will often give the Muchtys the appearance of being berry pickers.
Muchty Culture[edit | edit source]
As with many areas of small town life Muchty has its own unique culture that have became popular over the years, so popular in fact that the town has a week long Muchty Festival devoted to displaying the locals talent in areas that no other town would even consider exhibiting. Some of these bizarre displays are listed below but anyone interested in finding out more should visit the Muchty festival and behold the sight for themselves as words really do not do this week long event justice. The highlight however are below
Fastest 6 finger shuffle
Most incestuous acts in under a minute
The under 10s’ yard of ale speed drinking competition
The grope a granny speed trials
The final event is the annual bath in the Muchty burn. This may have been what influenced Indians to bath in the Ganges as it is a very similar sight to behold.
Demographics[edit | edit source]
Population: 2010 est. 2006
Male: 74%
Female: 26%
Families: 2