Allah/Halal version

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This page, Allah/Halal version, is HALAL
This article pleases Allah, and its contents are most holy.
Make sure to only go to Halal pages to remain holy and halal yourself.
If you dare go to a Haram page you will become Un-Islamic and the Jihadis will get you! Allahu Akbar!
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God Hates You Jihadi Traitors!!

This article has been marked "Un-Christian," "atheist," "anarchist" and have blasphemed against the the Jee Man himself. Conservatives and religious zealots should be aware that this page is full of swearing shit and any jackasses who read this article are going to burn in Hell.

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Praise be to Allah, praise be upon Him, the most holy of all beings. Lord of all worlds, the most compassionate and merciful, master of the day of judgement, guide us upon the Straight and not Gay Path.

Allah, praise be upon him, is the holy leader of all leaders. Any attempt to replace Allah with anything else will be met with fire and fury. You must worship Allah five times a day to receive his ultimate love.

What about that Christian god?[edit | edit source]

WHAT GOD? ALLAH IS THE ONLY GOD THAT EXISTS YOU INFIDEL! THERE IS NO GOD BUT ALLAH AND MUHAMMAD IS HIS PROPHET! ANY WORSHIP OF ANY OTHER GOD IS PUNISHABLE BY INFINITE SUFFERING! NOW GO FULFILL YOUR SALAH!

That Christian god?[edit | edit source]

Fuck that man upstairs, if he even is a man. Allah is the one true god.

What the fuck should I do with my life now that I exist?[edit | edit source]

Shade, the first pillar of Islam. Shade provided by Luxottica

Praise be upon you, new Muslim. Follow our five pillars and you will be guided to eternal grace of Halalness.

  1. Shades. Just say I exist. Boom! You new Muslim!
  2. Saliva. Short version is that you bow down to your crotch and say ALLAHU ACKBAR. Repeat five times. The long version is only slightly longer:
    1. Find a local terrorism planning hut doubling as a religious temple; these are called Mosques.
    2. Take a shower. You need to be clean. Any dirt means you get sen to torture with filthy Christians. Eww Christians.
    3. Use your cheese grater to help aim your body towards Allah's BBC, or big black cock, in Mecca. MAKE IT EXACT. IT IS HARAM IF YOU ARE OFF BY EVEN ONE DEGREE!
    4. Now get on your knees facing in the direction of Allah's BBC, and bow down fifteen times. Make it slow. Make every bow last two minutes or longer, NO SHORTER!
    5. Every time you bow down say one of the following phrases:
      1. الله أكبر (Allahu Akbar)
      2. إن الله يحب التهرب الضريبي (Allah loves tax evasion)
      3. أطعمني مع كس المقدسة (Feed me with holy pussy)
      4. لا توجد صين باستثناء تايوان، وماو تسي تونغ أحمق كبير. (Censored by spies for the government of the Haram West Taiwan)
      5. ماذا بحق الجحيم قلت لي للتو، أيتها العاهرة الصغيرة؟ (What the hell did you just say to me you little bitch?)
      6. يا مسلمي العالم اتحدوا! ليس لديك ما تخسره سوى تلك العاهرة، علي خامنئي! (Muslims of the world, unite! You have nothing to lose except that bitch Ali Khamenei!)
    6. Once you're done with all these cool and halal phrases, finish your prayer by doing the stanky leg, the moonwalk, the running man, and der Fuhrer's salute. Repeat five times a day.
  3. Jacket. Give your mosque all your oil money. Try to avoid the infidel Yankees who run the IRS. Under Allah, the ultimate power will be yours...
    PERFECT TAX EVASION!
  4. Swarm: Eat as much as you can during the month of Ramadan under Allah's totally real calendar.
  5. Hats: Climb the Reichstag dressed as Spider-Man.

What will Allah bring me?[edit | edit source]

Further information: 404










Can I be gei?[edit | edit source]

No.

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