AMC

AMC Visually Invasive Holdings, Inc., commonly known as AMC, is an American company with the sole purpose of selling you $20 movie tickets and $40 popcorn to go see a disappointing feature film. Regardless of the supposed death of cinema, AMC to date remains the largest movie exhibitor in the US, and Europe, only being beaten out in Asian countries thanks to the various propaganda arms having unlimited government budgets. Founded in Kansas City, MO, way back in 1920, the original purpose was to find a way to put a woman onto a screen in a way that wouldn't attract the attention of the government and its laws regarding public acts of sexuality. AMC was one of the stock options that blew up in the 2020s, causing widespread mayhem for the elite, and bringing buckets of cash to the poor. AMC also stands for "Always My Company", which holds true as when Chinese media group Wanda tried to own more than 50% of it, AMC said "fuck no," and proceeded to completely bully them out by 2021.

History

Started in a shed in 1920 by several Jewish immigrants, AMC was little more than a weird version of a lemonade stand, just with more "mitsvahs", "shabbats", "l'chaims" and other Jewish sounding things. Previous to the shed venture, they had been traveling around the state as part of a circus, where they would display actress Jeanne Eagles in a glass cylinder in front of rabid fans, all of whom would lose their collective minds at the sight of the scantily dressed Eagels. This little peep show was greatly frowned upon by the local government, leading to a required change in business plans: "What if... we put the girl on a screen? Then they won't be able to say 'no you can't', because she's not exactly real!" Thus was founded Durwood Theaters, the precursor to AMC, and the world's first way to publicly view sex on the big screen.

Their first move was to purchase the Regent Theatre, which had until then been a home for squatters and drug addicts. They decided to keep the druggies and squatters and gave them nametags and a job. These were the very first cinema cashiers and attendants, who till this day retain the same level of aptitude and general attitude that those originals had. Smoking weed out back, ignoring customers, and failing to count to ten were all little "quirks" that every cinema attendant has been passed down from the originals.

The issue they continued to have was simple: they could only play one movie at a time, which meant their profit potential was limited to the number of seats in the theater. That was when the Jewish brains in their heads spawned an idea: what if they had more than one screen? And thus was born the multiplex. Now they could have the same amount of staff, but double, triple, no, quadruple the amount of customers. Tekiah Gedolah! Now that's a deal!

Soon after this breakthrough in money grubbing technology, Durwood Theaters was changed to American Royal Cinema, as this name sounded much fancier and therefore they could now justify a small price increase of $12 for every ticket. This name lasted about 4 hours only before an injunction was filed by the American Royal Livestock company, which was known for breeding horses and didn't want to be associated with whatever the hell Durwood was doing. And thus was born American Multi-Cinema, or AMC.

Growth

By the 1980s, AMC was getting pretty huge, and as a result decided to go international, opening up as "Auntie May's Crumpets" in the United Kingdom. Towards the end of the 80s however, they got sick of the annoying accents, and quickly sold all their UK based assets and fled to the European mainland, where they opened up a 7,600 seat movie theater in Brussels.

Returning to the States, they began to build megaplexes all over the place, before remembering there was a big world out there and returning to the international scene. Megaplexes began popping up in such exotic sounding places as Fuckaka, Ontario Mills, and Manchester. That's right, they went back to England! The invention of ear plugs allowed them to function without having to hear the nonsense spouting from the average Brits pie-hole. An attempt was made to build one in Birmingham, but they were quickly run off by knife wielding residents, furious that someone would dare to add some fun and whimsy to their town built of cement and rocks.

With growth came drama naturally, and the wheelchair bound, blind, and deaf losers at the American Disability Act office began to whine and snivel that they couldn't hear, see, or feel the movie. AMC, in order to placate them, had subtitles made available for the deaf, noisier speakers for the blind, and strippers for the rest so they could "feel something" during the movies.

Making money

It was a hot and balmy August 2022 when AMC had the bright idea to sell some new share classes of stock under the name "AMC Predictable Eggs", or "APE." This caused wannabe investors to go "APE-shit", and buy $500 million worth of shares. This nearly caused Wall Street to have an emergency crisis meeting, but was cause for celebration by the ordinary middle class investor who had invested in AMC just for fun. The total increase in price was almost 2,500%, which immediately brought about a new number of millionaires, all eager to buy Tesla vehicles and fill them with chicken nuggets for some strange reason. The price eventually flatlined and fell back down to earth, and remains around $20 at the time of writing. The short sellers who bet against AMC are all in crippling debt, and those who bet for AMC are also in debt, as they spent all their money on Tesla's and chicken nuggets. All remains balanced.

AMC's highest performing week in existence strangely had nothing to do with the stock market, and everything to do with the intersection of a movie about plastic dolls and a movie about nuclear bombs. The movie goer willingly subjected themselves to about 6 hours total in the movie theater, absolutely rocketing up ticket sales. Called "Barbenheimer" syndrome after its discoverer, Franz Barbenheimer, it is remembered as one of the few less deadly epidemics of the world.

Features

AMC is known for its chairs having cup holders in them, which also happens to be a patent that they hold. AMC chairs also can hold up to 40 pounds of popcorn without the person sitting in the chair realizing it. AMC has also popularized the subscription service with their AMC A-list program, that allows you to see the same shitty movie 3 times a week for FREE! (after paying $20 a month for it, which makes it very much NOT free).

See also

• Movie
• Theater
• Hollywood