A story built one paragraph at a time
Sorry, L10nM4st3r, you may not add more text to the story at this time. Everyone else has this story's permission to add text at this time.
I've seen that after the populartity of A story built one letter at a time, the articles A story built one word at a time and A story built one sentence at a time have been created. So I said, "fuck it", and created A story built one paragraph at a time.
Rules![edit | edit source]
- No writing two paragraphs in a row. A paragraphs is anything that has a full stop after it.
- No reverting or deleting what other people do unless they themselves broke a rule and you are fixing it.
- No adding random banana sentences. The story must penis make sense chicken if you read through butt it.
- No paragraphs longer than 6,213,532 sentences. Seriously, someone must be dedicated if they make a 6,213,532-sentence-long paragraph.
- Have fun!
- Last person to edit wins!!
Story[edit | edit source]
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of comedy, it was boring as fuck. I've been trying to sleep for what it seemed like thousands hours, yet it seems I can't get fucking sleep. It seems the god of dreams won't let me have it my way tonight. However, I won't let him win this time, I'm sure of that.
I always tried to think of new jokes, but it never worked. It just never worked. I racked my brain, I nearly destroyed my brain, I tried absolutely everything that I could try. All I did was bring myself to insanity trying to put together a little humor. And I totally failed, my life was derailed, I was for sure off-the-trailed, insanity prevailed, you were recently jailed, your sister got railed, and oh boy she wailed.
So your sister said "hey", and from that point I knew that she was gay. So i gave her a hug, then drank coffee from a mug, then found a small bug. She started petting it carefully, and this caused me to go into a trance and break my rhyme. Whoops! While she was petting the little insect i saw a mysterious figure walk towards me. Said figure turned out to be John. And he was wearing moccasins. Of course he was.
And oh, looky here! That is quite a moccasin! I clogged ol' John's door up, so he'll never lock us in! And if he can't do that, he still might just knock us in. Worry not, for this house, it's a place to play Blokus in. Blokus? It's been ages. You'll now have to talk us in. But oh, thank God that I've now seen the
moccasin.[edit | edit source]
“This really Ojais John's moccasins”
We're interrupting this article to bring you our newest and greatest product: Finland! With astonishing living standards, a functioning welfare system, great public services and infrastructure, we would LOVE to see you, a eaten individual with a lot of passion for things like dog houses, nunchucks, boats and brooms! We do recognize that you may not have had the best education for anything like that if you're seeing this ad, but don't worry, we've got you covered! You can go learn all these things at our free high-quality public schools (just ignore the abnormally high amount of school shootings). So what are you waiting for? Move to Finland today!
Täässä OPOSSUM:en sanaita, yksi ja puoli vuotta sitten, hän yrrittäi oppia puhua suomen kieltä, koska näki paljon asioita suomeksi nettissä, ja suomalainen meni OPOSSUM:en koulussa. hän puhuu nykyään huonosti tätä outoa kieltä. Hän ei miettä että hän oppe puhua suomen kielen hyvin sen koossa elämässa. OPOSSUM onoikeasti kaukana sujuvaa puhuusta.
Continuation of the story[edit | edit source]
John suddenly gets attacked and knocked out by a group of mobsters wearing a quite familiar type of shoes, rendering him unconscious. When he wakes up, this is what he hears:
“Hello John. I see you have finally woken up. Good. That was taking quite a while. My guys are very effective in their missions. Maybe a bit too effective. Regardless, you are now here, you are queer, and your mind is hopefully clear.
So, we’re gonna play a little game together, just you and I. See that chess board over there. I want you to play chess with me. But you see, there’s a caveat to this. You’re playing against Martin from chess.com. Doesn’t sound so difficult, right? Well here’s the thing, we’ve superpowered him to become as good as Magnus Carlsen. You must win a game against our Martin without any blunders and you need to take at least five opposing pieces with En Passant. If you don’t manage to do that we will brick your pipi and write out the entire comment chain letter for letter, and you have to watch it each time you lose. OR you can choose to murder Alula. What will it be, John? Do you choose the path of suffering or the path of jail?”
John didn't have a tought time choosing his path, it was quite easy to decide: He was goint to murder Alula. It's not that John was a psycho, nor was he scared of losing against a bot in a chess match; he simply knew it was the correct choice. After all, it was Alula's fault that John's account got banned from Uncyclopedia the other day, which meant that if he successfully wiped Alula out of the planet's surface, he could take over Alula's account and personally unban himself. There were probably other less illegal ways to do so, but it's not like John was going to let this opportunity to murder Alula slip away.
All of a sudden, just as Alula got away, a wild OPOSSUM appeared out of nowhere and bared his teeth at John. Then he leapt at John and screeched the following horrifying phrase, "ɬatwa pi məkʰmək əx̣, kʰamuksh" (Klattawa pe muckamuck ugh, kamooks), which means "go eat shit fuckers" in the Chinook gibberish that was previously used by Nickelback in his version of "Baby" by Pippi Pappi. Then DaniPine3 punched a hole out of John's boxy CRT computer screen and crawled out of it, using his special cyber-portal. John was then transformed into a chess bishop and pulled into chess.com. John then proceeded to break his digital confinement and use a secret move hidden within chess.com's code, unleashing a deadly shockwave that caused power outages for the whole town. Even Knife Guy was horrified. The OPOSSUM then ran away to his hollow in a tree, so that he could plot his next attempt (and failure) at destroying Uncyclopedia.
OPOSSUMs new plan that was cooked up within about 40 seconds[edit | edit source]
As OPOSSUM was hiding in his tree, he saw Alula running after John, eager to ban him from life. This made OPOSSUM assume that Alula was stupid, so he decided to set up part 1 of his new plan: Make an unbreakable statue painted to look like John. Then he directed Alula's attention to the statue, assuming that they would immediately try destroying it. Unfortunately, Alula was smarter than OPOSSUM thought, and decided to ban OPOSSUM from life instead.
Uprising and Extermination of the OPOSSUM Zombies[edit | edit source]
Obviously, OPOSSUM was now dead. He then called together the soul of every fellow dead OPOSSUM he could find to create an army of zombie marsupials. Suddenly thousands upon thousands of OPOSSUMs rose from the ground, carrying a disease that transforms anyone who comes into contact with an OPOSSUM into an Aracuan Bird. The Aracuan Birds themselves carried a disease that transformed anyone who came into contact with them into an OPOSSUM. Thus an army of OPOSSUMs and Aracuans took the entire world by storm in a few restless days and nights, with only one place in all the world holding off from the army, North Korea, of course. The OPOSSUMs and Aracuans, realizing with their barely functioning brains that they had no one to fight but each other, then turned against each other. Obviously, the Aracuans won. Kim Jong-Un didn't give a shit about the army of OPOSSUMs and Aracuans, but he was glad that Grouchomarxism-Leninadism had taken the world by storm.
While John was distracted watching the bloodshed from this eternal battle between communism and capitalism, Alula took advantage of his distraction by stabbing him with a knife. Sadly for Alula, they mistook John with a manequin that John himself had fabricated to trick Alula. That would be the cue for John to jump out of his hiding spot and start stabbing Alula; sadly for him, this was also a manequin that Alula had fabricated to trick John. This would be the cue for Alula to get out of his hiding spot and stab John, which turned out to be a manequin made to trick Alula, who also tricked John with a mannequin of his own, and both OPOSSUM and John entered in an infinite loop of stupidity. The loop would cease when Alula got fed up of John's antics and starting shooting at random spots until some bullet would hit John by sheer luck.
Unfortunately for Alula his shooting was in vain. Because in the middle of the mannequinning John had replaced himself with a clone of himself, except there was a bomb inside the clone. As the timer went closer to zero, the John clone started to close in on Alula. Fortunately for Alula they hit the John clone at some point during this, causing the bomb to blow up prematurely. Inside there was a note that said "I stole these mannequins from Rock-O-Jello. Apologize to them for me". So Alula did exactly that, but Rock-O-Jello didn't hear the part that was about John stealing those mannequins, so Rock-O-Jello beat Alula to death with a spare moccasin. In death, Alula told Rock-O-Jello the part about John again, making Rock-O-Jello realize their mistake. Mourning the loss of Alula, Rock-O-Jello swore revenge on John for indirectly making them kill their friend.
Unbeknownst to Rock-O-Jello, they had just fallen to John's trap. By tricking Rock-O-Jello to kill Alula for him, not only was John successfull in pursuing his achievement; he wasn't going to jail for doing so, as all the forensic evidence pointed that it was Rock-O-Jello's fall. John still needed to fight Rock-O-Jello in an epic battle of bloodlust and vengeance, but it wasn't yet the time for that. First, John unbanned himself from Uncyclopedia using Alula's stolen laptop; then, he proceeded to return to the palace of the Great Lord Móckasiin, ruler of Moccasinia, to tell him that the job had been done. And when the Great Lord Móckasiin, ruler of Moccasinia, saw John's arrival; this is what the Great Lord Móckasiin, ruler of Moccasinia, said:
“You have done well, John. Very well. I can tell you had fun fighting Alula, judging by your wide grin and splintered hands. I have another task for you now. You see, getting Rock-O-Jello involved can prove troublesome, because they're both very powerful and also probably seeking revenge right now. You need to kill them before they get here and does that to us. Now, i don't mind fighting Rock-O-Jello myself, but i'd rather do it on my own terms, and i need some stuff for that, so i'm sending you to do it before he gets me. Got it?”
The Ultimate Battle of Ultimate Destiny: Now starring John and Rock-O-Jello![edit | edit source]
John couldn't lie; he had a slight hope that he would be able to let this fight for later, but it seemed fate had made other plans. Alas, John had already made his move when he developed a plan to kill Alula, and now he couldn't step back. After all, it would've been either this or a match against a bot in chess, and being fair, this was way more interesting than chess. Who plays chess nowadays, anyways?
Unfortunately, while Rock-O-Jello didn't know how to play chess, they still brought a chess board. Then you asked "but how does that work?" (yes, you did ask that, it's not my fault you don't remember doing that), and then Rock-O-Jello broke the 4th wall and replied to you. The reply went something like this:
“You see, this isn't any regular chess board. This one isn't for playing chess at all, but rather for fighting. This works because the one of the edges has sharp knives built into them, and through breaking the laws of the universe i've managed to make it as light as a feather. So i essentially have a wide knife. and before you ask about the pieces, yes, they're sharp too, and yes, i brought them with me. Also they're throwable. Isn't that neat?”
This is the moment you realized of a shocking discovery: Hold on, chess-styled fighting, a villain that likes knifes, 4th wall breaks and a main character named John? This is all a big Homestuck reference!, you exclaimed, in awe. What, replied Rock-O-Jello,no it isn't. The fuck is a Homestuck, anyways? Alas, Rock-O-Jello did not have time to get that question answered, as the main character of our story known as John was already prepared for fight, and this small 4th wall-break couldn't be held much longer. The (chess) fight was about to start.
...
...
...
...yeah, it kinda isn't starting. I'm assuming one of them is waiting for the other one to make a move first. Just give it a second.
...
...
...
...ok, what the hell is happening here? You two are supposed to fight! Don't just stand there like the two weaklings you are!
“I'm sorry, what the fuck did you say right now?”
Why are you looking at me like that? FIGHT. EACH. OTHER. RIGHT. NOW.
...wait, why are you two getting closer? I don't like this... wait, put that chess board down! Someone help me! Please! AHHHHHHH-
Writer 1 was then brutally murdered by the two enemies, and soon after they resumed their so far uninteresting standoff.
“You know, chess is boring.”
“Yeah, I should've thought better this through. It sounded better in my head, at least.”
“Hey, wanna do something more interesting? I mean, one of us has to die no matter the circunstances; so at least, let's make the remaning life we have left somewhat more fun.”
“That sounds like a cool idea. What do we do, though?”
“Well, uhhhh... wanna go on a date?”
“Sure, that'd be fun.”
John and Rock-O-Jello then went on a date together. It went well, i think.
...oh, you want me to go into detail? Because I'm not interested in doing that. I've written enough romance recently, and this isn't interesting enough for me to bother with. Let me just write some random dumb stuff now, ok?
Ok... let's begin!
Story but better[edit | edit source]
So, during some better times, during some worse times, after the age of comedy, when it stopped being boring as fuck, I finally fell asleep, and stayed asleep for thousands of hours. The god of dreams still didn't want this, but I simply said "nah, I'd win" and continued sleeping anyway.
This story isn't about me, though. It's about a man named John. A man who had recently fell in love with Rock-O-Jello, despite John being the killer of their best friend. Rock-O-Jello didn't seem to care that much about that fact, probably because John was really good in bed. However, there was a person who did care about this relationship: Great Lord Móckasiin, ruler of Moccasinia. John had been given the task to kill Rock-O-Jello and he decided to date them instead, completely betraying the Great Lord Móckasiin, ruler of Moccasinia. Great Lord Móckasiin, ruler of Moccasinia, full of rage and anger, decided to hire the best hitmen to finish the job that John decided to leave unfinished. Why the Great Lord Móckasiin, ruler of Moccasinia, didn't decide to do this before puting his trust in some random guy he found down the street, though, is still a mystery today.
The Great Lord Móckasiin's hitmen were sure that Rock-O-Jello was not hiding in any area that was reachable by road. Thus the team of hitmen undertook the journey on foot instead. Of course, they struggled to find Rock-O-Jello's hideout, despite the vicious bloodhounds among them. The hitmen travelled for days through acre upon acre of scorched forest. Multiple close encounters with pumas, raccoons and coyotes occured, a moose (don't ask me how it got here because they aren't typically found around this part of the world) charged at the gang, and one hitman wandered off and was bitten by a rattlesnake. Yet another hitman was mauled by a bear, but the hitmen called a helicopter and barely saved his life. The hitmen later got a signal that Rock-O-Jello's hiding camp had been found: his car was found parked near a rickety shack just north of where Ojai had stood before it burned down. Rock-O-Jello had made no efforts to hide his rusty old machine. Quickly, the hitmen called another helicopter-guy to give them a lift, but he crashed into a cliff side of a mountain because he had lied about his own piloting skills. Luckily, the hitmen had parachutes (unlike the pilot, who fell to his death.) The hitmen continued until they finally reached Rock-O-Jello's apparent hideout, where they ate their last rations and peered inside the shack.
There they found out that John and Rock-O-Jello had abandoned their hut and went somewhere else? Where could this somewhere else be? Well, the hitmen never found out, because they were all murdered by Jon Arbuckle and a gay moose that just so happened to appear of out thin air, almost as if they had been suddenly beamed here from another dimension. After this they ran to Ojai, found a multi-dimensional portal and went back home. Meanwhile, completely unaware of the fact that any of this was happening, John and Rock-O-Jello had went to Alula's funeral.
"You know, I kinda miss that guy", said John to his partner, "it was fun to fool him with 10,000 manequins until he was stabbed to death". Heavy rain poured over the admin's tombstone, while a soft ballade filled the ambient. "I'm sorry I had to kill him, but it was the only choice; he had banned me from Uncyclopedia and I just couldn't wait some days to be unbanned", John continued his speech. "Nah, I understand", answered Rock-O-Jello, "that guy was a fucking asshole and a pain in the ass. I'm glad that you tricked me into killing him for good.". "Really?", exclaimed John, with a spark in his eyes, "but- but- I thought you hated me for making you kill your friend!". "Nah, I hated you because you made me kill the guy that owed me 20 dollars", explained Rock-O-Jello, "but now I realise that no amount of money can compare to what I've found in you: love". Rock-O-Jello looked into John's eyes, and their faces started to get much and much closer, until their lips were touching. It was only matter of seconds before Rock-O-Jello's tongue got into John's mouth, and started to kiss passionately under the rainfall. Everyone at the funeral clapped at this demonstration of true love. Then John and Rock-O-Jello started having hot raw sex over Alula's tombstone, and everyone else stared in complete silence.
Great Lord Móckasiin had by this point found out where John and Rock-O-Jello were, and he decided to personally go and put an end to them both. But when he arrived there and saw what was going on, he decided to postpone the task for another time. Mainly because he was a cuck and this made him extremely horny. So he sat down and watched, but by then John and Rock-O-Jello had seen him, and they decided to quickly flee somewhere else. And so they did that without Móckasiin noticing. How that was possible is a mystery in itself. It might be because at this point everyone else at the funeral had started beating the shit out of him. Or it might be something different. Who knows.
The previous author didn't seem to have that much to say about this, only adding a picture of Móckasiin. At least we finally know what he looks like now!
Either way, John and Rock-O-Jello went somewhere else and resumed their business. Where did this happen? Well, i do know where, but they told me to not spoil it just in case Móckasiin or someone else is reading.
5 MONTHS LATER[edit | edit source]
John and Rock-O-Jello had decided to move to this very same place, living in a nice little house of a nice little town that went by the name of "You don't give a shit". To the neighbours of this town, they were simply a pair of 20-something lovers that were trying to live together for the first time in their lives; what none of these neighbours knew is that they were actually hiding from the evil claws moccasins of Great Lord Móckasiin. Rock-O-Jello, being undercover, had decided to change his name, now living a new life as Dave (this is their name now regadless whether Rock-O-Jello is a girl or a dude, btw). However, John, having a really generic name, decided to keep it. Rock-O-JelloDave thought this was unjust and unfair; John simply shrugged and told them to suck it.
Rock-O-Jello Dave and John became close friends with Selaw Obmij, the oldest of the twenty people in the pair's neighborhood. Selaw Obmij pronounced his name very strangely ("sil-LAW ub-MEE") and never wrote it down, in order to keep Dave and John from realizing that Selaw was really Jimbo Wales in disguise. Of course, Jimbo Wales is one of Great Lord Móckasiin's henchmen, and even the oblivious John was well aware of this. "Selaw" had built a secret holographic shrine to Mokkááwŝen, god of the Moccasins and the founder of Moccasinia according to legend. This shrine was located underneath Alula's grave. There he communicated with the god Mokkááwŝen and his supposed 71st great-grandson, Móckasiin, telling the two all about Dave and John's whereabouts, whatabouts, whoabouts, and all other kinds of "abouts". Dave and John often noticed that old Selaw often was nowhere to be found, but they were anything but suspicious.
Ultimately, Selaw would suspiciously just disappear one day and never returned. Like, at all. Dave and John thought this was suspicious and decided to investigate this, and they found out he was recognized by a random Wikipedia vandal on the street and subsequently beaten to death with a clarinet. Whoops!
Selaw was just another one of those useless henchmen that Móckasiin had trusted wouldn't die in stupid ways, and at this point he was fed up with all his henchmen dying before they could get the job done. So he tried hiring a professional hitman to kill Dave and John, but those were too expensive for him. He then decided to hire a hitwoman instead because hiring them cost less, but unfortunately he was massively misogynistic, leading to him getting beaten up, sending him to the hospital for a couple of months and getting him banned from hiring a hitwoman ever again. He was quite lucky to survive that, so he spent all of his remaining money on lottery tickets. He lost on every single one.
Being broke, Móckasiin started a fundraiser to get him out of poverty and into his crime business again. Unfortunately everyone hated him for both obvious and non-obvious reasons, so he only got 2 dollars out of it. He wasn't technically broke, but he still didn't have enough to fund anyone to do anything. Extra unfortunately the website he placed a fundraiser on got hacked and his identity got leaked through his credit card, revealing to the whole world that he was born in France, and as such he was permanently banned from there. Also the racism quadrupled somehow.
Now that it had been revealed that he was born in France, the people from the Great Reign of Moccasinia doubted Móckasiin's veracity as their Ruler. Further research revealed that his actual identity was Jacques Noir, a failed chef from Paris who had accidentally murdered the real ruler of Moccasinia with an overcooked muffin, and overtook his throne so that no one would knew of his crime. Angered by this revelation, the people from the Great Reign of Moccasinia revolted against who they once thought was their king, and kicked the so-called Móckasiin out of their kingdom. This was the last straw for Móckasiin: John and Dave had incurred his wrath, and they were going to pay with their blood. Also, his racism had now quadru-quadrupled (octopled? octoqupled????? octocuapled????????)
I have no idea what to put here. So. Hello, how was your day? - 1
Well, i woke up at the Bosnia Universe today, which was kinda weird. Then i got teleported to a universe where Jon Arbuckle and some sort of goth version of Garfield were lovers. After exploring that place i learnt of Knife Girl and her wild journey through sentence-land. Then the world was apparently corrupting, so i saved Knife Girl and brought her here. Then she stabbed me, gave me a hug and immediately fled, so now she's part of the story apparently. - 2
Yesterday I asked the Great God Mokkááwŝen, the supposed 71st great grandfather of Great Lord Móckasiin, about when Guiteau would be resurrected in Sentence-land. He had told me that Guiteau would come back on April 21st, but he still hasn't come back. I'm starting to think that Great God Mokkááwŝen is a fraud. I mean, why would you trust him? I don't know, maybe Mokkááwŝen just can't trust mere mortals with the truth. I'm still incredibly disappointed that Guiteau isn't alive in any universe as of this moment. - 3
But I know I can make him come back. I just know it, it' s been my destiny all this time. If I could, if I could just... John then woke up in a cold sweat. He had been having weird dreams lately, and the dreams didn't stop getting weirder and weirder. He didn't understand what they meant, yet he noticed a recurring theme in them:all featured a strange entity known as the Great God Mokkááwŝen. Was this an omnibenevolent god, who would help them with the powers of moccasins? Or was it an evil god, who would try to destroy them just because ha can? John had no idea. John then looked at his left, and saw Dave's sleeping face. At this sight, John 's thoughts stopped, and became calm again. He didn' t know what life would bring him, but as long as Dave was by his side, John would be happy.
Well, anyway, a little while back in the Sentence Universe, Guiteau has came back, disguised as Knife Guy. He apparently said, "I know I'm a day late, but screw it! Time to put James A. Garfield out of his misery! Wait, he's dead? I'll kill his ghost! Wait, his ghost has been destroyed, I'll freeze his ectoplasm into cubes and eat each one individually! I even heard that ectoplasm tastes like cum, that makes it even better! Wait, someone already froze Garfield's ectoplasm into cubes and ate the cubes individually? I'll go eat hit shit, fuckers! So, Guiteau went on his epic quest to go eat shit, never to be seen again. But we're getting off track. Time to talk about what's going on in THIS universe.
So this "2" fellow was right, Knife Girl had actually appeared in this universe. Confused, bewildered and scared, she started stabbing everyone she could. This, of course, led the police to try arresting her, but she managed to stab each and every one to death. Then 2 decided to put an end to this and hide her somewhere safe while she could calm down.
So who is this "2", may you ask? Well, the answer is really simple. She goes by many names, one of which is... the creature. But she's also known as Luna apparently, so let's just call her that.
Luna had been comunicating to John through his dreams, showing him small pieces of information to warn him about an imminent doom. But John didn't know that, he simply thought they were simple dreams. So John kept his rutinary life of having sex with Dave without much trouble. That was, of course, before the incident happened.
The incident went like this: Luna asked "Can I get help about what kind of questions I can ask about what questions I can ask about questions here?" to a customer services person at some shop. To nobody's surprise, this annihilated the universe and reset the timeline.
Luckily for us, Luna was in a different universe from John, so this didn't affect our main storyline. However, before her timeline was reset, Luna escaped her own universe using John' s dreams, ending up in the same universe as him. Unluckily for her, she ended up next to Knife Girl, who was still trapped in a dimension that was not her own's.
Then Luna used Extreme Sarcasm to destroy the multiverse.
It failed miserably.
Until it didn't.
...nah, just kidding. Knife Girl killed Luna before she could keep up with her universe-shattering antics. Luna's death resonated within John, who was connected to her thanks to his dreams, and that's when John realised something big was going to happen.
"Don't you fucking dare destroy the universe on PURPOSE. I did it accidentally a while back, accidentally," says a desperate OPOSSUM, trying to grasp this ludicrous new realty of universes being constantly created and destroyed, turning worlds upside down and inside out.
"Don't worry, I'm here trying to keep the continuity of the universe intact", says a pine in the distance. Anyway, let's see what Lord Mocassin, now revealed to be Jacques Noir, is doing, shall we?
Epic new section detailing the backstory of the not-so-great Lord Móckasiin of Moccasinia, now known as Jacques Noir[edit | edit source]
Jacques Noir was busy reflecting on past for some reason. Why he did that instead of plotting to murder John and Dave is beyond my understanding. Either way, it was revealed to us that he murdered all of his relatives and friends at the age of fourteen, in an attempt to gain supreme power of the youth club. That explains why he’s so bloodthirsty. Also he was stationed in Rhodesia at some point, so i guess we know where his racist beliefs come from now too.
We interrupt this story to bring you an announcement! Luna has been recreated, since this is the second millisecond right now. Any sightings of Luna should be reported immediately! Back to the story.
This announcement was broadcasted to everyone’s minds, including Jacques, who was still reflecting on his past. Bewildered by this, he instantly started searching for anyone named Luna, only to know that there are literally thousands of women named that, getting him nowhere. The Luna we’re talking about was hiding on the moon, plotting an evil master plan to turn you into a woman. Yes, you specifically.
Tired of searching this "Luna" girl (who will be later brought up again *wink*), Jacques decided to keep reminiscing about his past as a Moccasinian monarch. Few people knew that he had actually started to loathe moccasins since he started reigning Moccasinia under the guise of Lord Móckasiin. Of course, he being the king and all, he simply couldn't speak up about this, or else the kingdom would have started a revolution against his hatred against the moccasin. But Jacques' mask was slowly tearing off. All he could see in that kingdom were nothing but moccasins.: What was the castle he lived in made of? moccasins. What was the food the people ate? moccasins. And the plants that they cultivated? mocassins. And the shoes they wore? Well, of-fucking-course were fucking
moccasins.
And Jacques was so, so, fed up. So, in a sense, John and Dave did him a favour by indirectly dethroning him from Moccasinia. Then again, being the king of a whole reign almost compensated the whole moccasin thing, so he still despised John and Dave for everything they had (indirectly) done to him.
Oh, we forgot about a certain charecter. Ouch ouch ouch, I got stabbed! Don't let knife girl take over the city and kill everyone.....
Seeing potential in her, Luna then went down to earth to pick up Knife Girl and take her to the moon. When they had gotten up there, she explained her plan to Knife Girl, who was busy stabbing moon rocks, which meant that she didn't listen. So Luna had to explain the plan again, and this time Knife Girl listened... for about 5 seconds until she started stabbing more rocks. This repeated itself for about an hour, after which Luna got tired of it and tried taking Knife Girl's knife away. This led to her accidentally getting stabbed. Luna realized during this that she was very much into that, but kept quiet to get Knife Girl to actually listen to her, which was now possible because she didn't have her knife anymore. Also Luna can regenerate her body, so getting stabbed wasn't a big deal.
Knife Girl couldn't notice something rumbling on the earth above her. The earth seemed to be vibrating somehow. Knife girl yelled at Luna, WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? And a tower of something brown like dry shit rose up from the earth's surface, The tower seemed to be getting taller and taller, slowly engulfing its surrounding area as well. The earth began to turn a bit and suddenly halted, so that the apex of the growing tower was facing directly towards Knife Girl and Luna. The tower's tip was getting closer and closer. Was that.... SHIT? What a fate indeed, to be buried in a massive pile of moccasins. That's quite a fate indeed, and everybody and nobody was expecting it. The tower reached the moon and buried the pair together. Knife Girl's final thoughts were: "But who created this mysterious tower? Why was it there?"
Fortunately, Luna was immune to any and all moccasin attacks. Unfortunately Knife Girl was not, so i took her back to her home universe. Luna wasn't too happy about this, but there wasn't really anything she could have done about it. Now she had bigger issues. You see, the moccasins had covered the entirety of the moon by now, making it a mooncasin. The entire world would be both confused and pissed off about this, and who was to blame? Luna, obviously. She was the only one on the site. So she immediately departed for Mongolia to continue developing her master plan there.
Some penguins came along and built a giant wall around Mongolia to defend themselves from Luna's plans. Obviously the wall was made out of [[Tryptophan synthetase]]. That's about it.
Going back to the Lord Móckasiin plot (which used to be the only plot until the continuity decided to fuck off), Jacques Noir finally stopped reminiscing about his past and started coming up with a plan to take revenge on John and Dave. However, he was really bad at it, so he used the only ace up his sleeve he had left: Asking the Great God Mokkááwŝen for help. Mokkááwŝen, of course, was the deity the Moccasinians prayed to, so he, too, had to pray to him back when he was a king. He didn't really believe in him, but it was his only choice left. Jaqces constructed a poorly-made altar in five minutes, and spoke out loud: O GREAT MOKKÁÁWŜEN, WILL YOU AID ME IN MY QUEST TO TAKE REVENGE UPON MY THRONE AND MURDER JOHN AND HIS GAY LOVER[1]? And then, something weird happened to Noir: he started hearing a deep, manly voice in his ear, and this is what the voice said unto him:
“lmao no do it yourself you lazy bastard”
Jacques, annoyed with this answer, tried asking again. He got the same answer. He asked again. Same answer. Again. Same answer. Every time he asked he got the same answer. Little did he know that this wasn't the Great God Mokkááwŝen answering him, but rather the spirit of Alula, who found this hilarious. At some point Jacques got pissed off and cursed everywhere, causing the real Mokkááwŝen to personally join in on Alulas fun. All this made Jacques go completely insane, which led to him cutting the moccasins at the altar in half. Mokkááwŝen then subsequently decided enough was enough, and cut Jacques´ feet in half, immediately sending him to the hospital.
Since Jacques was broke af and had no family nor friends, the doctors decided there was no necessity to help him, and so they donated Noir's body to a military experiment funded by the FBI (without Noir's consent, of course). There, Jacques Noir was updated with the latest in military technology, turning him into a cyborg that would work for the American Government. However, Noir was to selfish to work for anyone's but his own interest, and once the experiment was finished, he used his robo-legs and fucked off. After all, now that he had been turned into a killing machine, he could kill John and his gay lover once and for all!
- ↑ Dave is John's gay lover even when Rock-O-Jello is a gal and not a guy. Sorry, I don't make the rules.
Jacques, now given the new nickname of Mechasin, began his rampage through California, smashing every house, tree, boulder, and street in his path. His footprints carved out holes for new lakes like Paul Bunyan. His commander was thus nicknamed "Blue Ox". When there was no more of California to romp all over, he smashed up Oregon, Washington, and even British Columbia over in Canada. Mechasin then tumbled into the Pacific, and decided to betray "Blue Ox" and attack Japan like Godzilla.
Unfortunately, we have to leave you here on this cliffhanger while we serve you an ad break. Don't worry though, i can switch the channel to something while we wait. Let's see what Luna has been up to.
...well, we have to start a new section for that. Sorry!
Mom, Luna's doing something crazy in the middle of the Mongolian steppe again![edit | edit source]
Luna is building a big-ass ladder to get over the [[Tryptophan synthase]] wall so that she could turn you into a female sea otter. Err, good luck with that. The penguins are doing everything they can to stop Luna from ever escaping from her prison in Mongolia. I doubt the penguins can hold Luna back forever, but at least the penguins can stall her for a while (whew.)
Actually, scratch that; Luna used the magical powers of her moccasins™ to free herself from her prison. She was in her way to turn you into a otter when she got stopped by yet another wall, the fourth wall, so she decided to leave you alone by now and continue her scheme of flooding the Earth with moccasins. She didn't have enough moccasins, so she traveled to Moccasinia, where there was said to live the man who owned the mistmoccasins: the Great Lord Móckasiin. Of course, she didn't know that the man that went by Lord Móckasiin had been kicked from Moccasinia, so she was baffled when she arrived there only to be told they had no king at the moment.
The chaos continues in Moccasinia[edit | edit source]
So basically, the Moccasinians ended up in a big civil war, split between seven factions, each believing that someone different was the rightful ruler of Moccasinia.
1: Jacques Noir should be reinstated as ruler of Moccasinia, because we have actually seen some success with him.
2: Luna should become the ruler of Moccasinia, this will hopefully distract her from her evil plans.
3: John should become the ruler of Moccasinia, since he seems to care more about Moccasinia than Móckasiin ever did.
4: Some random moccasin-farmer from northern Moccasinia, Måqasin, should be the ruler of Moccasinia, because he claims to have royal ancestry.
5: Moccasinia should be partitioned between the USA and Canada.
6: Moccasinia should be turned into a leader-less direct democracy.
7: Moccasinia should become a theocracy, and answer only to the Great God Mokkááwŝen.
Which side do YOU stand for? At least it's better than the american two-party system.
Luckily this wouldn't be a problem for much longer, there was a ballistic missile headed straight for Moccasinia. If it wasn't stopped, Moccasinia wouldn't exist for much longer. The missile was called "The Mocha-Sin Missile" and was loaded with 42,069.57 times more force than in the Tsar Bomba.
The missile had been luched by the US Government, which was angry that Jaques Noir had left them after updating his body into a cyborg. They thought he had left to become the king of Moccasinia again, so they planned to nuke moccasinia in order to prevent him from reclaming his title as Lord Móckasiin. The harsh reality was that Jacques didn't give a flying fuck for Moccasinia, so the nuke plan was essentially a colossally stupid idea.
Now, what will the fate of Moccasinia be?
Meanwhile, John and Dave were having a party back at their home, completely unaware of this poll happening. Their party was quite fun. I would know, because I was there. You were invited too, but the invite might have gotten lost in the mail system. Sorry!
...I kinda have to write bullshit until the poll is done. I'm sincerely sorry for that.
Hey guys, look! It's him! Wait, you don't know who he is? Well too bad. If you don't know who he is, I won't tell you. Figure it out yourself. Anyways, it's time for me to go fishing. I hope he doesn't mess up the time line of ASBOPAAT. That would make me infinitesimally upset.
As stated before, John and Dave were having a party, until something peculiar happened: the lights went off, and when they went back, a corpse appeared in front of John and Dave! Everyone gasped at this sight. It was then when it was revealed: there was a murderer in the party! And only John, who had the gift of plot armor, could identify which of them was the culprit!
[[The nation of Moccasinia has been given temporary plot armor until L10nM4st3r votes.]] The murderer turned out to be Henry, a scrawny five-feet-three-inch man who always carried a blanket around with him like Linus. Henry had not done anything to hide his murders: it was clear that Henry choked his victims by wrapping the blanket around them and pulling really hard. How such a weak and tiny man managed to strangle his victims so hard that their necks snapped was a mystery. John immediately dialed 911, but the cops arrested him instead for unknown reasons.
And that's the story how John ended up locked behind bars. He now had to survive six months inside this hell full of gangsters, thieves and bloodthirsty-killers; really great people, in general. Between these wrong-doers, someone caught John's attention; it was this universe's version of Knife Guy! Of course, John didn't know of any Knife Guy, so this Knife Guy was the only version that existed to John's understanding.
Hey, L10nM4st3r, did you vote on the poll just now? Because things are about to get FUNKY.
Seems like its a draw. Heh. Oh well - l10n.
Alula declares this poll over! Let's see what happens if all three things things come true.
World War Moccasins[edit | edit source]
So, before getting nuked, Luna is declared priest-lord of Moccasinia, and she gains access to a shrine to the GREAT GOD MOKKÁÁWŜEN.
Using this shrine allowed her to communicate with the rest of the world that Moccasinia is in grave danger and is about to get nuked by the US. This sparks a new UN meeting, becoming the most fiery meeting to date (and somehow the most productive one). A multitude of nations agree to declare war on the US and its allies, and a sizeable percentage of the rest do the opposite. The world had successfully been moccasinified into a world war.
The nations of the world are truly excited to try out all their new moccasins-of-war, and moccasin each other to tiny little giblets! The USS Fuzzyleathershoe has already been sunken by a uranium moccasin launched by Iran, who seem to have finally finished developing those WMD's like the Iraq that they are so commonly confused with. Justin Trudeau declared Canada to be a new province of Moccasinia, in order to ease tensions and get the USA not to nuke Moccasinia. And silently as a water moccasin, the Moccasinian capital city, Muohkasen, disappeared off the map.
... NOT! Luna was not going to let her precious kingdom dissapear off the map that easily; it had costed the Moccasinians thousands of years until the other countries would recognise them as an actual state, and Canada wasn't going to erase those thousands of years in a milisecond just so this supid thing called "peace" could flourish. And so, Luna gave the middle finger to Mr. Trudeau, and declared war on both the US and Canada. After all, Luna was an agent of chaos, and she would never lose an opportunity to breed more senseless violence.
By this point you had forgotten about the subplot where Luna finds you and turns you into a woman, so she did exactly that. This is irreversible and completely irrelevant to literally anything else, so have fun with that.
Also she left you a shark, as a gift.
Congratulations. You must perpetually live with "Baby Shark" stuck in your head. This will truly be torture... until you wake up. Was it all a dream? Luna? The moccasins? World War III? The destruction of Ojai? The epic battle between capitalism and communism? All a figment of your imagination. Or was it? Well, it turns out that half of it was real. You regain consciousness in your massive pile of shrooms in your basement. The fucking cops are here to turn you in for various crimes against humanity that you never knew you committed. But you really had started World War 3. The shark was actually a pair of moccasins that you had left beside you. You'd loved those moccasins since you were a little kid. In the distance the radio is blasting messages about city bombings and the massacre of civilians. You begin to realize what a horrible place the real world really is. You beg the cops to leave you in your basement. Surprisingly, they don't arrest you, and let you be, although they warn that if you do anything crazy again, you'll be sentenced to death. You shove a few magic mushrooms down your throat, and you return with awareness that you have entered a fantasy world that you can alter with your own mind. You feel like you've become a fucking god, and as you re-enter your personal alternate reality, you know that ONLY YOU can destroy Luna and end this ruthless war. The fate of the Moccaverse is in your hands!
But the world you returned to wasn't one you knew. Cities were destroyed. Farmhouses looked to be ripped straight out of the ground. There were no people to be seen anywhere. You were still a woman (you still hadn't gotten used to that yet). Ojai was now named Åwjæi for some reason. It was a strange place to be. You felt completely powerless to do anything, knowing you were probably too late. So you made your way to ruined shrine of the Great God Mokkááwŝen, hoping he could somehow help. But when you arrived, all you saw was a gravestone. It was vandalized, so you weren't able to make out the name, but the text below said "May the Mooncasins be with her". This made you realize that this was Luna's gravestone. Even though she murdered lots of people, indirectly started World War Moccasins, and forced you into becoming a woman, you still felt really sorry for her. You felt as though she didn't deserve this fate. You started crying. This was getting very emotional. The writers are actually crying because of how sad this plot point is. But you didn't have time to cry, because in the distance you heard weird noises. So you went to see what it was, and it turned out to be John and Dave fighting against a superpowered Mechasin.
It was clear that the destroyed houses and buildings were due to the continued rampage of Mechasin. Mechasin let out an ear-grating Mechagodzilla roar that terrified John and Dave. Several zombie OPOSSUMs rose out of the ground, dug a hole into Luna's grave, and began to fuck Luna back to life. After doing this, the OPOSSUMs all died. You realized quickly, as if a voice had told you from the sky, that the lives of the OPOSSUMs and Luna were inversely linked, so you summoned more OPOSSUMs, causing Luna to die again. The OPOSSUMs screeched in a braindead unison, "YOUR OLD THOUGHTS WERE BULLSHIT, SHE FUCKING DESERVED IT!" And remember that voice that seemed to be telling you something? That was Mokkááwŝen coming down from the sky to look for assistance. You had godlike psycho powers now, and with them you renamed Åwjæi to ʔawhay̓. Then you and Mokkááwŝen both fired your EYE BEAMS, creating a powerful electromagnetic pulse that disabled Mechasin. Mechasin then toppled to the ground and the malnourished Jacques Noir crawled out from the hatch on the mechanical behemoth's back. He then asked to be killed and then buried right next to Luna. Jacques Noir was shot on sight by John... with a tranquilizer dart. Thus he was buried alive on top of Luna in her grave. Well, that was one problem solved, but the war was still going on.
As the war keeps going, you contemplate on your own existence and the sugfering of the human being. Why did we get to this? How did we get to this? No, really; how did we get to this??? There's been like a chunk of story we completely skipped, and now the already insane story makes even less sense now. That's when you see a sheet of paper fly off Mechasin's sleeping body, which reads: The A story built one paragraph at a time apocrypha. Inside of it lies all the answers to your questions! Secret knowledge forbidden by the ruling elite, now revealed to the public masses! And the story reads as follows:
Temporal transition to a point in the near past to fuck up with linear continuity[edit | edit source]
As you might remember, John had been falsely accused of murdering someone, and got sent to jail over it. That's where he met Knife Guy, a bloodthirsty criminal that was tracing a plan to get out of jail. Knife Guy, who could see that John had veen sent there for no reason other than cop malpractice, offered John to help him get out of there with him, and he initially refused. That would change the moment John heard that Lord Móckasiin was out there with a cyborg suit shooting everything he could shoot to, and only John knew of Móckasiin's weakness! And so, John did the most responsible him he could do: partner up with a psycho murderer to break the law and break free. Thus began Operation: Get Out Of Jail.
They waited for the guard to give them their food. Then they grabbed the guard, suffocated him, killing him. They took his keys and ran out of their cell. The alarms went off. They ran into the bathroom and jumped into the toilet, and flushed the chain. They were not expecting it to work like it did in Harry Potter where they ended up in an underground city bent on killing them. And it didn't! The guards got in and beat them to a gory death. (Un)-fortunately, the universe reset, again, so as soon as that happened, they repeated the exact same thing again, and ended up in the Ministry of Maniacs, where everyone is a murderer. They then hear strange voices behind them, and see Hitler holding a supreme lazer rocket neutron gun with a super long name that deliberately makes you think "ok, a short name would have a better effect at what your trying to do right now", so its called the "Un-existinator", which can destroy somebody and make the universe exist as though that person had never ever existed. Then he points it at them. Oh crap.
Knock-off Hitler pressed the trigger and aimed at John, who closed his eyes and crossed his fingers so that the lazer wouldn't hit him. But it did. He felt how his body started slowly disappearing, first his dick, and then, his... Wait, no, it didn't started to disappear, but rather, to appear some spheres in John's chest. John opened his eyes, and realised that he now had the body of a woman! Hitler, stranged, looked at the gun he was holding again, and realized that the word "Un-existinator" was glued to the gun with duck tape; and upon removing said tape, new words were revealed: "Genderbender-inator". Hitler had been deceived! At the sight of this revelation, Knife Guy, who was now Knife Girl, started stabbing knock-off Hitler to death.
Now, Luna's power to re-apear from one universe to another has made an army of Luna's to appear out of nowhere. One grabbed the gun and shot John, expecting him to never have existed. But then he feels the boobs shrink and a dick grow from his crotch. Damn, and John wanted to take a peak first.. The annoyed Luna throws the gun onto the floor, and it smashes into a million peices. Suddenly, (you remeber they are undeground, right? In an enclosed area?) the air becomes thick and hard to breathe. Damn it, don't put 10 thousand people in an underground structure with no air-flow! You know better than this!
John had never properly met Luna yet, he only had seen her in his dreams; so he never realized he was standing in front of the main villain of this story, although he did feel like he had seen her before. Anyways, that didn't matter now, because the Lunas had used her space-travelling powers to go somewhere else where the air wasn't so thick, leaving John and his pal alone. That's when they realized they were still in the Ministry of Maniacs, meaning they needed to leave that place before a cop catched them or a lunatic decided to have a feast with their blood. Knife Girl was pissed that the genderbender-inator had been broken before reverting him to her original gender, but them she saw her massive tits and realized it wasn't that bad at all.
Elsewhere, far far away, in a galaxy a long, long time ago, in a volcanic planet, was lain a powerful weapon. The REAL Un-existinator. And above it, millions of alien space-ships fighting each other for the weapon. But one alien snook to the surface, grabbed the gun, and opened a tear in the universe, and jumped in. They could be ANYWHERE! Even... getting drunk on OUR Jupiter (hint: he is)!
