You are here

“You are here.”

~ Mall map on exactly what you are doing

“Big brother is watching you, even though you are not that interesting.”

~ Big Brother on You

“In Soviet Russia, you watch mall!”

~ Soviet Russia

“I'm not a dot.”

~ Captain Obvious

They know what you are doing

Places Where You Are

• Here

Places Where You're Not (probably)

• In Cheryl Cole's bed.
• Mars
• Gotham City
• Not here

So, you're in a mall and you're walking down to a fountain. Off to your left, you see a delicious pretzel stall selling some nice fresh lemonade. After getting ripped off to the tune of $6.79, with your lemonade and half a pretzel in your hands, you continue walking to the fountain. You see an abnormally large sign right in the middle of your path. In front of you, a map of the entire mall. You lean in closer, looking for the nearest Hot Topic store. You suddenly notice something that rocks you to your core. A little sticker on the map, bluntly stating: "You are here". And that's when it hits you: HOW THE FUCK DO THEY KNOW THAT?!

You look up, and see a security camera pointing right at you. You always knew those mall bastards were looking directly at you, you always knew they had something in it for you, and now this declaration of war! A public declaration that you are the person they stare at all fuckin’ day long! You are going to show them... oh yes you will…

And the dance goes on

So now you are walking to Hot Topic and you watch a goth chick walk by you, yeah, just walk on by, THEY are not watching you, THEY are not staring at your every move… You look away from her and see one of THEM looking at you. WHAT THE HELL DO THEY WANT FROM ME!!! You stare at the dick, good thing he turned away, you were about to throw the pretzel at him… Damn him, you think, walking on, and behold, a security camera hanging down from the ceiling is pointing RIGHT AT YOU! You raise your hand and let the bird fly at the camera.

Now you are outside of Hot Topic

And can’t stand how many emo kids and goth chicks are inside of it. All you wanted was that damned Halo 3 game, and now to have all those life deprived kids

Gaze in fear at the ifeless enemy.

staring right at you like the mall security, you can’t take another step without their anguish and pointlessness washes over you. You sip out of your lemonade, only to realize there is nothing more in it. WHAT THE FUCK, I GOT A LARGE! You peel off the top, and see the damned cup filled ¾ of the way up with ice. Great, welcome to the wonderful U.S of A Damned pretzel tasted like a brillo pad, and you only got a few drops of lemonade. Wonderful. You throw your crap into the garbage can, and start heading to EB Games.

Onwards and forwards

Down past American Eagle, you can finally see your goal, EB Games, with its wide open door, and kids playing with the store’s Wiis Couldn’t they play with their own, why do they need to rip em’ out in public… You turn a sharp right, and a guard comes up and taps you on the shoulder. MOTHER OF HELL. “Sir, I believe you left this at Mariah’s Pretzels.” He Hands you your wallet. Great, first they watch your every movement, now they try to get friendly with you… “Thank you sir” you turn and walk in, seething. You are in the store, looking around, and you see it, waiting just for you, Halo 2, Xbox 360 style, you walk to it, ready to embrace its warm feeling. You reach your hands out, and 5 inches away, it flies off the shelf. In the absence of the box, you see a small sign behind it, this item temporarily out of stock” You see a little kid, squeeling in front of what you presume to be his mom “I GOT IT, I GOT IT, I GOT IT, I GOT IT, I GOT IT, I GOT IT, I GOT IT!!!!” Great for you kid, go fuck yourself… You walk past the little twat and leave, thoroughly looking for someone to choke… or something.

Build-A-Bear Workshop

Happens to be right across the way, plenty to strangle there… you walk in, seize the nearest bear, and proceed to strangle the (lack of) life out of it,

Take a look at this innocent thing, do you really want to destroy it so utterly?

making odd grunting noises as you wrap your hands around the creature’s neck. Bruaaccckkk grrraaugh!! You shout. You look at the blonde sitting behind the cashiers desk, nervously poking at something under said desk. You hear a ripping sound, and realize you just ripped off the bear's head. Brilliant. You look at the mangled body, its stuffing all over your hands. The mall security, clad in their black and white, charging right at you, the same sick bastard who pretended not to steal your wallet so he could examine your reactions… You curl your hand in to a fist, he charges at you, you aim, you punch…

Right in the Face

Score one for justice

Damn, he's falling over. Is his nose bleeding? Oh crap. Tou realize that you just... punched a security guy in the face. You shrug. HE probabally should not have stolen your wallet You drop the mangled teddy bear to the ground, laugh vilely, and step out of the store, everyone staring directly at you. It does not escape your notice that everyone is staring at you.

Which Sucks Really badly

But hell. how about you go to Best Buy and get a new television, hell, you always wanted one (since about this time last year) and you wanted to get one. Really. You did. GO GET ONE!

So now you are walking down another abnormally long path. JESUS CHRIST, NOT ANOTHER CAMERA. Hey wait, is that a gum machine? Mmm, 25 cents... hmmm...

So why not put in a few cents and literally gum up the machine... it will be worth it for the flavor