Where are my keys?

One of the most important philosophical questions of our day, the location of my keys has plagued mankind for generations. Most scholars maintain that my keys will be lost forever, since they weren't on the hook, or in my pocket. Just where they hell they went may continue to baffle us until the end of the universe, perhaps even after.

Seriously! Where the hell!?

The History of the Keys

It is likely that keys may be in one of the following locations:

• Coat or jeans pockets
• Inside the lining of your bag, having wriggled through a very small hole in it
• A drawer
• Under, behind, or on a bed or sofa
• In the kitchen
• On Your Desk
• Still in the keyhole from the door you just unlocked
• In your hand
• In front of you
• In the car

Nobody knows exactly where the Keys come from. So then you must ask, "How do we know that the Keys actually exist if we don't know where they are or where they came from?" The answer is simple: Shut up and look behind the sofa, they might have fallen back there.

No?

Crap.

In the Beginnin'

The first known instance of lost keys was when the devil took the keys to the Pearly Gates. Too proud to admit his mistake, God insisted that everyone who died during that time was a sinner, and thus deserved to go straight to hell.

Satan denies hiding The Keys, but he denies everything.

Some of these people were:

• Gregory Stanton: Kindergarten Teacher, who used to give money to puppies
• Maria Edinstein: The first person to use the phrase "All Your Base Are Belong To Us"
• Chris Farley (whose escape from hell was recorded in the film "Catch Me If You Can")
• Richard Wagneritus: Inventor of Tab, agreed to be the finest beverage in existence
• Chester Westerhouse: Inventor of Crystal Tab, agreed to be okay.
• Hide and Go Jesus (But it did offer him the perfect hiding spot)
• Nobody who was, in fact, later revealed to actually be the man who put baby in the corner
• Steve: God's bestest friend in the whole wide world

Eventually, they keys were found and God was able to re-open heaven. When asked why he didn't just crawl through a window or make a new key with his magic powers, God responded: "I don't like your attitude..." The issue was dropped.

Near the End

"Ok, this is getting really old, really fast. I need to get to work or I'm gonna be so late..."

~Famine on lost horse-keys.

It has been said by some that lost keys will be the death of us all. Just imagine how many important people, out there right now, are dependent on their keys. Come now, and imagine a place so horrible, it would reduce the best of us to tears... Big... crocodile... Tears.

In a World Without Keys

Note: These aren't the keys I want, I know where these are... I mean, I'm typing right now.

Once upon a time, a very important brain surgeon was eating a delicious breakfast. He had just finished downing the last hard-boiled egg when he realized that if he didn't hurry, he would be late for work.

Rushing out the door, he turned around to lock it (since nobody would be home, because his wife left him for smelling like brains all the time) only to realize that his keys were missing.

He searched his house for hours until his office called.

"Where are you?" the office asked.

"I'm still at home," he responded.

"We know that," he office rolled its eyes. "We called your house and you answered. The real question is 'why'?"

"I've... lost my keys..."

Then, there was silence. The only sound that could be heard was... silence.

"You're FIRED!"

The humble surgeon dropped the phone and wept. He wept for a time now lost. A time of carefree driving and locked doors. A time where one could get to work without riding the bus. A time of hope, a time of joy, a time of love.

But the story doesn't end there.

Soon after, the President came down with a terminal case of Brainitus. The only one who could have saved him was that poor simple brain surgeon. But alas, the president was doomed to have brain drip out of his ears and onto his shoulders.

Meanwhile, in another country, the drums of war sounded and armies started marching toward American Soil! The only way to repel the invader was through a nuclear launch. But the damn keys had gone missing. And America the beautiful, fell.

Hard.

The Moral of the Story

Tape those suckers onto your forehead, or something!

Earlier Today

Reports indicate that my keys are, in fact, lost. I have searched high, I have searched low. I have searched high while I was myself high, but then I got hungry and forgot to search low. If there are no major breakthroughs on this case, I may have to fake some sort of illness, thus fooling my boss and buying myself more time.

It has recently come to my attention that in Soviet Russia, keys will find me. The last plane for Moscow leaves in an hour. Perhaps if I hurry, I can meet my keys and still have time for some vodka.

Places Keys Are Not

Nope, not on the hook...

• On the Hook
• Under the Cat
• Over There
• In my Pocket
• The Berlin Wall
• Atlantis
• Google Earth
• Google Street View
• Over Here
• Japan (Probably not there. When I called to ask, they all spoke Japanese)
• Anywhere
• Anywhere else (and I know, because I looked twice)

Places Keys Might Be

• In My Other Hand
• Locked Inside My Car
• Oscar Wilde's House
• Some Nice Old Lady's House
• Wherever the hell my socks go when I wash them
• In the Clutches of the Illuminati
• Sneaking up behind me... WITH A KNIFE!
• Having tea with The Queen
• Chillin' in da Hood
• Sitting Harmlessly on the Counter... WITH A KNIFE!
• Key Heaven
• The last place you look
• Mating with a Lock

Where John's Keys are?

I have no idea. Why do you ask it from me?

See also

• Key, the most scientific definition you will ever find
• Philosophy, for a few (far less important) questions
• Zen, for dealing with the loss of keys
• Peanut Butter, which is just plain delicious!