Wheeling Jesuit University/People/WJU's Own Tom
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The entity known to Wheeling Jesuit University students as "Tom" is as much a fixture on campus as any place or club. WJU's own Tom started as a campus curiosity and climbed the ladder of responsibility. WJU's Own Tom graduated from WJU in 2006, and is now a diplomat of the United States. He made popular the notion of the Cold Wa.
History[edit | edit source]
Arriving in 2002, Tom quickly made his presence known with his characteristic noises and penchant for the conversion of certain Protestant elements to the Catholic Faith. Beginning at the bottom of the campus hierarchy, Tom has risen meteorically in the last two years. In the 2004-2005 school year, Tom was the conductor of the infamous "short bus" on Third Campion, a hall noted for its fearsome inhabitants. Having tamed the wilds of the "short bus", Tom rose to the top and became the Area Assistant for the Freshman Male Dorm Complex of Campion/McHugh.
Characteristics[edit | edit source]
Tom is universally recognized not only for his subtle skill with the ladies but also for his ability to leap tall bottles of whiskey in a single bound. As Irish as one can be, Tom enjoys playing many a game with the local WASP population as well as worshipping Mary and consuming "Flat Jesus." Tom possesses a degree in Philosophy, so he is on the road to being the best fry cook there ever was, and a minor in History, so he might go earn money subing in at local schools when not cooking hamburgers. Tom was also recently named Supreme Overlord and Protector of the Faith and Campion/McHugh. Tom is high in the running for being the first Space Pope, a position held in 3000 A.D. by Crocidilius Pontifex.
Currently[edit | edit source]
In the fall of 2006, WJU's Own Tom was in the employ of the United States government as an envoy to Syria. He referred to Prime Minister Muhammad Naji al-Otari as a "fag", and told him on more than one occasion that Islam is a "heathen religion" and that he ought to "convert to the One True Bead-Counting, Mary-Worshipping Faith", otherwise he would call upon the Jesuits to smite him. WJU's Own Tom has yet to act on these threats.
In 2008, WJU's Own Tom was sent to a super secret training base somewhere in the catacombs of Rome where it is rumored he will raise an army of undead Catholic Saints to finally bring the world under the One True Faith.
Weaknesses and Conversion Efforts[edit | edit source]
Tom's kryptonite-equivalent are members of the Protestant faiths, who he has derisively termed "Pr0tties".
Tom has for the last several years sustained a Herculean effort in regards to conversion of those he considers heathen. His typical techniques consist of the following-
- Making light of the Protestant tendency to form splinter groups
- Insulting the construction materials of Protestant Churches
- Constant reference to the bowel problems of Martin Luther
- Claiming that Protestant beliefs inflict great suffering on the Virgin Mary
- Listing the many accomplishments of former Pope John Paul II and current Pope Benedict XVI
- Making light of the sexual dysfunctions allegedly suffered by Henry VIII
- Threats of physical violence and torture
- Using various audio-visual appeals for the imminent conversion of certain individuals.
On the positive side, Tom has a soft spot for good Irish Whisky and Bruce Springsteen. Tom is also fond of long walks on the beach and a good time at Das Rathskellar, the Campus Bar. Tom can also easily be trapped by video games, especially games involving large quantities of violence, such as Max Payne.
Future[edit | edit source]
Q:How do you get a plain old Philosophy major off your doorstep?
- A:Pay him for the pizza.