UnTunes:We Have No Talent
“I had a talent once...”
“Well, I suppose I'm a crack shot with a rifle...”
“Hey Joe, that's our song!”
Recorded by the (un)popular "musical" group Children of Bodom, "We Have No Talent" was released in Finland, the United Arab Emirates, and Yugoslavia during the first September of 1995. However, due to ethical issues (involving "extremely irritating noises not related to music whatsoever") and luck, the song was not given a North American release until late 2005.
"We Have No Talent" is a song obstensibly about a talentless band trying to achieve a level of respect and musicality in the cut-throat music business. It is largely believed to be autobiographical. Shortly after its release, a rumor was spread that the song was actually about the infamous super-group Kings of Base (famous for their hopefully intentional miss-association of the word "Bass"), whose members included Roger Waters, Michael Anthony, John Paul Jones, and Gary Lovetro. It was later disovered to be wildly fallacious, not to mention obease.
Evolution[edit | edit source]
We Have No Talent actually started out as a bluegrass ballad. It didn't work.
It eventually changed into a freeform jazz "improv" session. This too turned out to be a collosial failure.
Children of Bodom finally hit a break when Children of Bodom drummer Jaska Raatikainen said: "Hey, why don't we do something we're good at?" So they did.
After they got out of rehab (due to what many doctors belive is a medical miracle), all CoB members knew how to "play" (in the loosest sense of the word) heavy metal instruments. Alexi Laiho also acquired the talent of yelling really loud and calling it music. This talent is known today as Yodeling. It was during this era that "CoB" recorded the infamous "We Have No Talent."
Lyrics[edit | edit source]
- We are C O B!
- We have no talent!
- We try to sing on key!
- But have no words to rhyme with talent!
- Children of Bodom!
- Children of Bodom!
- Children of Bodom!
- We have no talent!
The face-melting (really cool, for you nerds who don't know) guitar solo comes in around here...
- Sometimes we sing
- Sometimes we dance
- Probably because...
- We like men in our pants
- C O B is cool!
- We make loud sounds!
- We have no talent!
- So we get lots of frowns!
- BAM!
- It is often debated that the line "Men in our pants" is actually "Ants in our pants." However, Laiho is a whooping ten feet tall, and nobody dares call him on it.
The Infamous Alternate Lyrics[edit | edit source]
Although commonly regarded as an urban legend, We Have No Talent actually had different lyrics before the ones contained on the Single. These alleged "Alternate Lyrics" were originally for the song I Have No Talent (For Loving You). Sadly, one night, a drunken Laiho accidentally burnt the original lyric sheet, mistaking it for a joint. What follows are, according to Laiho, the original lyrics for I Have No Talent (For Loving You).
(Pop Ballad Tempo; Piano and "Vocals:")
- I wish I could slam you.
- I’d do it all the time.
- I’d knock you up,
- Wouldn’t cost me a dime.
- Every time you say commitment,
- It makes my skin pale.
- But even though I try,
- I still seem to fail... because:
- I Have No Talent!
- No Talent for Loving You!
- (I’d) Like to make you my bitch.
- Have unprotected sex a lot.
- It’d be lots of fun.
- Until we died. From AIDS, because:
- I Have No Talent!
- No Talent for Loving You!
- Oh Baby, I Have No Talent!
- No Talent for Loving You!
The sweet-wicked-cool power-ballad slow guitar solo comes in here. It's pretty good. I mean, it can't be worse than that "Ball and Biscuit" piece of crap, right?
- BAM!
Cultural Influence[edit | edit source]
None, whatsoever. Except this one guy named Vinnie Defazzio (owner of DeFUNzio Cheezy Pizza Palace), who took up piano shortly after hearing the song. But that could be a coincidence. And no one likes him. He's a fatty. And he has no friends. And people never see him talking to girls (or other boys, for that matter). In fact, he's a eunuch. And an incestuous necrophiliac. And he's also pediatric gynecologist.
To put it in simple terms, he is not a Jive Ass Motherfucka'.
Trivia[edit | edit source]
- Is considered to be one of the leading causes of Erectile Difficulties in men (and strangely, in women too).
- Prior to the release of their first "real" album, Alexi Laiho and the rest of The Hate Crew acquired the aforementioned talent following a heated chess match between Laiho and Satan. See Lord Satan, King of Pain, Lord of the Nine Levels of Hell, Enemy of The Good, and so on (Laiho, 1997, Circut Court of the Nine Realms of Pain).
- Often credited as the only Jazz-Metal-Techno-Fusion song ever recorded, "We Have Not Talent" is known for its extended instrumental segments, including an improvised seven minute Flugelhorn solo. This segment often confuses people, as the song itself is only six minutes long.
- Eight out of ten guys named Carl agree - it has a cool riff.
- Seven of the aforementioned Carls live with their parents, but, armed only with coleslaw, would still kick your ass in a fight to the death.
- Ten out of ten people who have edited this page have just now learned of the existence of the word "aforementioned", by reading it above, and now use it liberally in an attempt to sound smart. So far however, all attempts have been (much like resistance to the Borg) futile.
- Shortly after recording the EP for We Have No Talent, Children of Bodom released We Don't Like Fat People. They then started working the follow-up EP We Don't Like Fat People With No Talent, until they realized that they must indeed hate themselves. Damn you, irony! Damn you!