User:Zeromus/Portsmouth
“What's the difference between Portsmouth and a toilet? You can flush a toilet.”
Portsmouth (pronounced Pompey innit mush) is the third most inbred city in England after Southampton and Incester. It is a shit hole. It features some painstaking maritime traditions, half human/half squid prostitutes, and a practically non-existent education system. It is a little known fact that suicide is at a very low rate in Portsmouth, yet the murder rate (mainly racial) is higher than the whole of the United States of America, so much so that a child born of mixed race will choke itself with its umbilical cord upon self-actualization. Portsmouth is famous for its rivalry with the neighboring village of Southampton, the only place more inbred than Portsmouth. It is said that 99.9 percent of peoples grandparents are actually their ordinary parents. whilst their sisters are their daughters and sons are brothers.
In 2006, Portsmouth City Council finally erected the Spinnaker tower to prove to the inhabitants that the height of the sky is further than the 5th floor of their council flat. As a result, this led to a 250% rise in injuries sustained by walking into lamposts whilst staring upwards in wonderment.
Education How to fuck family members[edit | edit source]
Unfortunately, barely any of the population of Portsmouth have received any form of education and those that know any English have learnt it only from being read their legal rights.
Portsmouth has also recently "erected" its own Post-92 university, so called because of the milestone it thought to have achieved following the arrival of 'Pompey Dave'; the first-ever affiliate of the University to possess an IQ which surpassed the previous cognitive glass-ceiling of 92. The university has since stated its intention to attract an individual of an IQ equivalent to, or possibly even greater than, that of the national average by the year 2105: A Space Odyssey. Noble as they may be, the plans sadly fail to take into considertaion the government's future plans for the city which entail the relinquishment of Portsmouth from the UK as a 'de-facto state' - to be used as a scapegoat-cum-nuclear punch bag in the event of any potential war scenario with Russia, China, or the Shetland Islands within the next 50 years. Predictably then, that this glorified rehabilitation centre for degenerate London youth who were at the scene of the crime, but "dident do nuffink" - boasts a myriad of highly unnecessary courses. Many of these purport to be of 'degree standard' despite possessing a utility value worth LESS than the putrid menstrual rags which they are printed (or smeared) on. These span right across the 369(sic) different circumferential points to be found on the undersurface of the academic barrel, ranging from the veritable intelligence-insulting, quasi-academia of Journalism and Pikey media, right through to the depressingly over-subscribed shit house that is Harry Redknapp studies (as of 26th 'Judas Sunday' October 2008, no longer comprising its own institute, instead demoted into a merger with the department of Criminology to be run as a joint degree in conjunction with Hooligan Sciences). Portsmouth people might tell you that the presence of their otherwise non-existent university now constitutes the grief-hole as a "clever" place to be. But this doesn't mean you should believe them. For one, all Portsmouth folk are pathological liars. For two, Wolverhampton also has a university.
The term "NFP," to mean a person of low intelligence, is also derived from Portsmouth; as NFP actually stands for "Normal for Portsmouth". In Portsmouth there is a school called Milton Cross, which has a 45% pass rate in the make it to the end of the day test. This has been accredited to the normal times in which the local pubs begin to serve alcohol and also when the first catch of the day arrives in the docks. Unfortunately, most of the low life that is born in Portsmouth happens to stay within the city limits as most do not understand what "Out of City" on the signs mean, and those that can understand numbers believe the 50 speed limit signs are actually an age limit.
Transport[edit | edit source]
Portsmouth is connected to the rest of the South Coast via the M27. It has no airport as planes are likely to crash once a veritable volley of rocks is hurled by the residents as they are unsure as to why a large steel pigeon is descending on their haggard landscape. It is very difficult to get to the centre of the city due to congestion, but as roads are blocked by cars for long periods of time, parking on them is easy as you might as well leave your car in the middle of the road. Many people do this but parking wardens have a tendency to wheel-clamp any motorist who does that in a desperate attempt to get Argos vouchers. As a result, the congestion gets worse during which time many cars are attacked by local chavs.
There are numerous "Out of City" signs detailing every available escape route, which were implemented as a method of health and safety. When the railway was first built, the station was built in Gosport because of the railway company being too scared to go into the city itself (well who could blame them?). Later they did, and designed the railway so that the railway ended on a pier. This may have been done so that they could get trains to arrive at top speed and crash into the sea and drown all the passengers - a fate much better than going into the city.
Tourism[edit | edit source]
There are no real points of interest within Portsmouth which results in an extreme lack of tourism. However, visitors can obtain a map drawn with potato prints which details the various warzones within the city limits. There are stalls and shops which sell commemorative blunt throwing objects all of which are able to result in instant coma. Portsmouth does, however, have a large fish market where there are rows of shops which display a wide array of different kinds of fish for sale. This is the red light district of Portsmouth.
Having said that, if you do accidentally find yourself in Portsmouth, perhaps to wave a loved one off as his ship departs for more exotic warzones, do consider the local cuisine. There is a wide variety of choice - usually salmonella or botulism, although E.coli is making surprising headway. And special mention must go the The Guildhall Steps - it is rumoured, although never proved, that the steps of the magnificent Guildhall were once the site of a red light district. Whatever the truth, if a local woman makes a muted comment about the small amount of money in her purse, there will always be a coven of cackling harridans nearby urging her to ply her wares on The Guildhall Steps.
And let's not forget another great local curio, the Mary Rose. That fine Tudor flagship sunk in the Solent whilst Henry VIII watched aghast from Southsea beach. Even in the fifteenth century, the same tawdry amusements were littered across the Esplanade, and legend has it that old Hal consoled himself with a burger and coke, whilst the locals had already plundered the waterlogged coffers of the ship and were frantically cramming the salvaged coins into numerous slot machines on shore in order to win a tacky sundial.
One thing that used to be a tourist magnet, was the annual Portsmouth VS. Plymouth competition in who ruins Britain the most. It was a dead cert for Plymouth, as they have Antony Burgess on their team. Mike Hancock, and his wife Ekaterina Zatuliveter were on Team Portsmouth, and they could not do shit. In 1977 James Callaghan showed up. Plymouth would lose forever.
Currency[edit | edit source]
Portsmouth is proud to have a separate currency form the rest of the UK, called Fatherfondles. There are 100 Cousincaresses to a Fatherfondle. The average house price is around 150,000 fatherfondles, which would take the average Portsmouthite 2 months to acquire.
Religion[edit | edit source]
A prevalent new-religion has emerged in recent years known as 'Racism'. Believers are typically from extremely (like very) close-knit families who support resistance to diversity and change. Racism in many ways echoes other contemporary monotheistic religions, but its legitimacy is often the subject of dispute amongst religious scholars. This may be due to the religion's vast demographic make up of uneducated, lower-class, doley simple folk, of which 87% in a recent survey believed that Islam was "a place like India but with more scarves and shit". Characteristically, followers will often daub their white work-vans with a Union Jack, as a symbol of National Pride and in celebration of a history rich in brutal colonisation of 'brown' countries.
One in three skates is a devout worshipper "Haroldism". This can only be assumed that they misinterpreted the line "Our Father who art in Heaven, Harold be thy name." The other two thirds spend their Sunday mornings declaring holy jihad upon neighbours despite being Jewish. There was an argument some time ago that Jesus was from Portsmouth. This was based on the fact he had no idea who his father was, never really had a job, and right before he died asked everyone to remember him every time they consumed wine. Historians show however that this is completely false as Jesus couldn't possibly come from Portsmouth as he was celibate.
Celebrities[edit | edit source]
The only people who actually carry any degree of integrity and social awareness are considered to be celebrities in Portsmouth. Such well-known people include Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny and The Tooth Fairy. Anyone who has made something of their life and moved away from the area usually neglects to mention their Pompey origins and claims asylum in any habitable settlement. The only "celebrity" to come out of Portsmouth is Fred Dineage, who is a television host. Fred Dineage regularly splurts his anti-Southampton propaganda on the evening news and frequently shows his lack of intelligence on a regular basis. While constantly referring to Portsmouth being like Sardinia, this Portsmouth local again is showing the NFP trait when what he clearly means is Portsmouth is like Sarajevo.
Isambard Kingdom Brunel - the celebrated engineer - was born in Portsmouth. But only because his father was grudgingly there to finish a work project. For some reason, once the project was finished, Mr and Mrs Brunel and young Isambard high-tailed it out of there.
Arthur Conan Doyle - the creator of Sherlock Holmes - was not born in Portsmouth. But he lived in the city briefly when he set up a medical practice. Unfortunately his field of knowledge did not stretch to stanley knife wounds or skatus vaginismus, which ensured he was hungry, unemployed and bored for much of his time in Portsmouth. This forced inertia spurred him on to create the Baker Street detective and Conan Doyle subsequently acquired so much fame and wealth that he was able to leave Portsmouth forever. So he did. However, his fondness for Portsmouth women inspired him to write the Hound of the Baskervilles, arguably his finest work.
Horatio Nelson was actually from East Anglia and only visited the terra firma of Portsmouth to jump on and off HMS Victory. It was never a pleasant ordeal for him to fight his way through Hag and Pickpocketsville to reach the gangplank. On one occasion his arm was stanley-knifed off and another visit resulted in the loss of an eye. If the technology had been available, it's certain that the brave Admiral would have preferred to be airlifted onto his ship once it was clear of Portsmouth Harbour.
Charles Dickens is also a celebrity heavyweight whose name is often desperately applied to be synonymous with Portsmouth. Mr Dickens was born on Portsea Island, that's true. However he moved away at the age of 5 and never returned.
Can you see a pattern emerging here?
Language[edit | edit source]
The vast majority of Portsmouth residents communicate using clicks and spoons. While the English language is taught in some schools, most communication is either maintained using the aforementioned susurrations or pelting bricks and rubble at one another. While it has been known for a spoken language to be heard in Portsmouth, 90% of the time the sound of fists making contact with faces are heard. There are numerous words peculiar to the population of Portsmouth and will leave most people north of Leigh Park and west of Gosport ( also known as Turk Town ) severely nonplussed. These include:
- Dinlo - A stupid person. That means a person so stupid that even a person from Portsmouth has to comment on it.
- Mush - It's like calling someone "mate" or "chum".
- Weeee - an exclamation used to denote surprise. Portsmouth has a university? Weeee....
- Squinny - To weep. If you find yourself holidaying in Portsmouth, you will be squinnying within the hour.
- In a cop - In a bad mood.
- Oi Oi - A local mating call, usually screamed at full volume across a crowded street to get female attention.
- Dain Tain - Down Town, apparently.
- 'Kinsillykay - a female from Portsmouth summarising her opinion of another local female.
- Two's the bout mate - A common phrase used in portsmouth mainly when asking direction, often accompanied by twitching of facial muscles (to imitate one of the portsmouth hero's sir * You screwing my bird?" is Portsmouth's motto. Screwing in this case means "looking at" and rarely means what it first appears to mean as 99.9% of women from Portsmouth are barely worth looking at let alone actually screwing.
Portsmouth FC[edit | edit source]
Portsmouth Football Club, throughout their tenure in professional football, have been an overachieving, mediocre club, perpetually jealous of their nearest neighbours, The Super Saints. In 2005, Russian warlord Alexandre Gaydamak bought out the club, being able to finance them with money made in arms deals to Angolan rebels and human trafficking in the Middle East. This proved to be a mutually beneficial endeavour as in parallel to the deal, every ethnic minority in Portsmouth who is brutally murdered earns £1,000 for the club. Since then, Portsmouth's wealth has rivalled that of Chelsea FC owner Roman Abramovich. To the dismay of the partisan supporters, Hairy Redknapp aka match fixer has bought an influx of foreign players who are regularly greeted at the training ground with pitchforks, flaming torches and cries of "get back to your own country you nigger".
Gaydamak's takeover of the club can be equated to Richard Branson paying £5,000,000 for a mound of steaming, grade-A, elephant faeces. While Portsmouth claim to have the best fans in the country, the remainder of England fail to classify sheer racism and ignorance as valid support of a football team.
The average supporter is usually of the aforementioned critically low intelligence, as made evident by a 2004 incident when Portsmouth tried to attack Southampton fans who were waiting inside the ground behind the police and Portsmouth fans in anger trashed shops in rage at the council. The supporters went back to their own city and trashed it, instead of causing a riot in Southampton. This is most likely because they were struggling with the English language and currency and needed to return to their fishy homes sooner. A survey in the Daily Mail did suggest, however, that Portsmouth have one of the best atmospheres at football games, but studies since have ascertained that this was a polite metaphor for the airborne broken bottles and petty cash thrown every match. In 2007 Portsmouth FC's bid to have a new 30,000+ seater stadium was declined. Sources revealed that the real excuse was not that it was too close to the navy which was said on the news, but since the city had splashed an extortionate amount of money on the Spinnaker Tower they implemented a rule that if any piece of shit was built in Portsmouth it could not exceed 50 square feet.
On November 28th 2007, Harry Redknapp was arrested on corruption in football charges. While most skates plead his innocence, it seems a bit suspect that Portsmouth should be exonerated since the the executive Peter Storrie and the former chairman Milan Mandaric were also arrested. While this case rages on, it does answer how overnight Portsmouth have gone from being a shit club, to a shit club with money and ridiculous aspirations.
Most 'Pompey' fans are resigned to relegation this season. This shows in next year's season tickets sales, down by 95%. This also means that Pompey fans are going to lose Fratton Park, the local recreational ground, to the local council. Rumours suggest that it is going to become a sewer.
In 2009, the Skates were bought by no less than two penniless Arab "Sheiks", and are currently selling Lucky Heather in the South Hampshire area to fund the fish food for the club recreation tank.
The Sea[edit | edit source]
Portsmouthers like to go out to sea. This is to get as far away from Southampton as possible and who can blame them? While Portsmouth claims to be better than Southampton because it has a beach, no one wants to lie down on a plethora of jagged rocks and other assorted urban debris and go frolicking in sewage. So no, it's not really a beach is it? Environmental agencies have declared most aquatic species within the vicinity of Portsmouth to be endangered, although throughout the constant fornication of flatfish during the last seventy years, a new genus of half human/half fish people have been born in Portsmouth hospital. They now reside in Gosport and avidly follow the local team...Fareham Town.
Technology[edit | edit source]
Portsmouth is estimated to be about 120 years behind the rest of England but still has various services available. Cups and pieces of string have recently been introduced, along with paintbrushes, wheels and matchsticks. Some richer/employed people can afford to buy luxury hi-tech items such as Teletext, toilet paper, bins and left-handed screwdrivers.
Fashion[edit | edit source]
Common attire seen on the Portsmouth streets are burberry caps and tracksuits. Due to the overwhelming frequency of such clothing, Portsmouth was deemed by the government as a fire hazard. Hoodies and socks tucked into trousers also make a veritable plethora of appearances, as they are useful for concealing weaponry or stolen items. The typical hairstyle for women is known as the 'pompey pineapple' due to the hair sprouting copiously from the top of the head in a trend not seen outside the city since 1982
Past Times and Recreation[edit | edit source]
The Sun is also dull in Portsmouth. Even duller, in fact, than it is in the rest of England. Most Portsmouthers save some in a jar each year, releasing it on their birthday. They get a few moments of a sort of lukewarm happiness, before returning to the crushing melancholy parade that is their everyday life. The daily routine involves climbing over neighbour's fences, breaking into houses and general misappropriation of property. Portsmouth has been voted the lowest place in the world for children to have fun, as all recreational parks are littered with hypodermic needles, blood stained weapons and Fred Dineage. Last Christmas, the most popular toy sold in Portsmouth was a wooden spoon wrapped in barbed wire called "My First Cop Killer". This is the equivalent of a Playstation in Portsmouth. One must not forget about the favourite place of eating - Pompey Nosh located in Paulsgrove, which is also the favourite place for socialising, i.e; hanging around outside the Co-op.
Birthdays are fun times in Portsmouth. The night before a family member's birthday, other members of the family will strip their beds and write messages of congratulations on the filthy sheets before sneaking out of the house and hanging them from a suitably visible spot. These grey and stained sheets can often be seen hanging from motorway bridges and school railings, bearing such messages as "Happy 30th birthday nan" and "Meleana Chardonay Jenkins, 40 years old today!
Portsdown Hill[edit | edit source]
Portsdown Hill is popular spot to take a girl on a date and rape her. If she consents, this is known as dogging. Friday and Saturday nights are littered with oscillating Vauxhall Corsas and Citroen Saxos, usually to the beat of that annoying Umbrella-ella-ella song. Most common Portsmouth techniques for enticing young ladies to cars is either using Rohypnol or the snooker ball/sock combination.
The chalky landscape is also home to numerous tunnels dug throughout history. Some whisper that there are bunkers crafted to give haven to the Great and Good in the event of a Third World War. However, this theory is unlikely to be true. The idea that one would willingly dodge a nuclear holocaust in order to live directly above Paulsgrove is as absurd as it is fanciful. Talk about out of the frying pan and into the fire!
It is also home of "Palmerstone's Masterpiece", a series of forts ringing the island, with a huge amount of ordnance aimed directly at Portsea Island. Although representing 20% of the nation's defence budget, with state of the art weapons delivery systems, the ability to destroy the city if the natives start trying to leave the island in any number is Britain's highest defence priority.
Future Developments[edit | edit source]
Plans to separate Portsea Island from the mainland are still in development as the rest of England attempts to distance itself from the multiplying menace of Portsmouth locals. Other ideas which are under discussion is the erection of a large power station whereby any resident within the city limits is incinerated and thus finally make a positive contribution to the people of Britain.
Twinned Cities[edit | edit source]
Portsmouth has been twinned with a few cities worldwide. In 1992, Portsmouth was twinned with Sarajevo as it became embroiled in a civil war. Since then, Portsmouth has been compared to Beirut, Baghdad, Krakatoa and Kosovo. They also made an approach for Robert Mugabe to be the mayor of the city as they shared similar views on human genocide, but then realised that he wasn't Caucasian. The citizens of Somalia wanted to join Portsmouth, in a bid to form some inbred pirates. However, the people of Portsmouth are still wondering how to operate a rubber boat, let alone trying to mate with their girlfriend's pet dog (aka sister). Some people have made an informal affiliation of Portsmouth with Hiroshima, due to the similar characteristics of todays Portsmouth and the 1945 scene in the Japanese city after the dropping of the atomic bomb, however this is disputed as the people of Hiroshima were clearly better off.
Why do you stay in Portsmouth?[edit | edit source]
Because quite frankly the rest of England claims to be blissfully unaware of Portsmouth's existence. Whether it's the acrid odour of violated fish, the bitter taste of thwarted dreams or the insurmountable language barrier, Portsmouth is widely regarded, metaphorically speaking, as a defaecation facility in the middle of an bountiful oasis. Most skates seem to think that they are superior purely due to the fact that the football team is higher in the leagues, unlike the rest of Britain who gauge it on urban squalor and the ability to walk down the road without being bottled. The majority of retorts in reply are "well its better than being a scummer,".