User:The fatgoat/Stalking

A typical player of the game of stalking, or a stalker.

“What do you mean you don't like it?”

~ Vincent van Gogh on the severed ear he gave to a prostitute

“I'm watching you.”

~ Sting on stalking

“B.B. is watching you.”

~ Ingsoc Sting on stalking

Stalking is a sport typically played by quiet, creepy men of various ages, as well as women, in which the objective of the game is for the "stalker" to gain the love of the "target". In recent years, it has been adapted as an extremely successful computer game, as well as an MMORPG. It is closely related to sports such as hunting and hide-and-seek, and is often referred to as a tamer version of the Most Dangerous Game. The game has also been popularized in hit movies such as The Running Man and Misery.

History

Stalking is perhaps the oldest sport known to man. Evidence from cave paintings indicates that man's ancient ancestors played games of stalking as far back as 250,000 B.C. Games, however, were extremely unorganized and had no sets of rules. Thus, players were often killed during the matches. The sport remained this way for a great deal of time until the Industrial Revolution, when the rapidly increasing number of players began to cause great pandemonium and growing death rates amongst players. In 1860, in an attempt to put an end to the chaos within the sport, the Primary Organized League of International Stalking Extravaganza (POLISE; later changed to POLICE) was established by Sting in Liverpool, England. Almost immediately, the POLICE created the rules and assigned referees to enforce them. The organization's memorable slogan "I'll be watching you" reassured the players of the game that no harm would come to them.

Ever.

Thus, organized stalking began.

However, this organized stalking was still chaotic, as the rules were rather lax; although killing was officially illegal, most everything else was legal, including surprise sex. Thus, most stalkers' targets were often subjected to very rough play and often lewd conduct. A movement called "Feminism", however, protested the lack of rules and petitioned to stalking league to change the rules and create stricter policies. Pressured by the feminists, the POLICE added new rules that created various offenses such as "harassment" (both sexual as well as normal) and, of course, "stalking".

Controversy

The name of the game has angered numerous vegetables such as celery, corn, and beans because people were often wrongly put under the impression that each of them like to play the game when, in fact, they are just vegetables and thus derive no pleasure from human sports. Instead, they prefer to lay around in a persistently vegetative state until devoured then spit out because they taste awful after lying in the same spot for months. Despite this controversy, stalking has not had its name changed, though stalking leagues have agreed to emphasize that while Jack does stalk, beans do not.

Stalking: the video game. On the cover, one of the various playable creepy genetic mutants.

Today

In recent years, stalking has become a very popular game. One study showed that around one in five women will be involved in a game of stalking, while one in twenty men will participate at least once in their lives.

Stalking became a recognized Olympic sport in 1984, although the deeming of it caused some controversy as to how to deal with time constraints, since most games took years to complete. Some other controversy arose when critics questioned the safety of the sport, but this soon died down when the critics disappeared under mysterious circumstances, along with all records of their existence. Who? What critics? There are no critics.

Due to this wide player base, a large corporation developed a computer game version of stalking in 1997 called International Stalking Tour Athletic League Kolor Ultimate (ISTALKU); however, without any multiplayer capabilities, it bombed, selling only several hundred copies. However, stalking was released again in 2003 with the ability for online multiplayer play. It became an instant hit, and shortly afterward, an MMORPG version of the game was released which enjoyed even greater success.

Play

In the pre-game time, both the stalker and the target are released onto the field. The game immediately begins once the stalker meets the target, though sometimes it may start the moment the stalker sees the target. The stalker then has to gain the love of the target by any means necessary. However, the stalker always has the standard handicap: he is a creepy bastard. With such a handicap, it is difficult for the stalker to persuade the target to love them. To make the game more difficult, anyone can join the game as a new stalker at any time, though such an event would severely piss off the original stalker, who will sometimes kill the new player.

The typical playing field has no boundaries. Despite this, the players usually tend to stay in general the same place in which the game started. However, if the stalker's target files a restraining order, the stalker cannot come within a specified distance of the target, as that area has become "out of bounds" for them. In youth stalking leagues, the players are restricted to the general area in which their parents live.

Rules

Generally, the rules of stalking are commonly referred to as "laws", as opposed to rules. The referees who enforce these laws are called "cops". Whenever a player breaks a law, the cops send him or her to the penalty box (referred to as "jail") for anywhere from a couple months to their entire natural life. If a player is well-behaved, he or she is often released from the penalty box early with a set of conditions called "probation". If the probation conditions are violated, however, the player is returned to jail with an extended sentence. With the recent passing of "Megan's Rule" (named for a little girl who played a game with a much older man), however, probation has become banned in some areas of the United States for stalkers whose targets are under 18, in addition to increasing the amount of time such stalkers must spend in the penalty box for various rule violations.

The stalkee also has the ability invoke a warning against a particular stalker by saying, "Don't stand so close to me." This sort of warning is an indication of the stalkee's nervous feelings about the stalker, and essentially it is a message to the stalker that he or shes is coming on a little too strong and should back off. However, the fairness of such a technique has been subject to controversy, as the stalkee may use it in a way that can favor of one stalker over another. Still, this power remains legal in most games, and is most preferred in school matches between teachers and young schoolgirls approximately half said teachers' age.

Famous Games

• Dante v. Beatrice
• Vincent Van Gogh v. Some prostitute
• Hector Berlioz v. Shakespearean actress
• John Hinckley, Jr. v. Jodie Foster
• The Phantom of the Opera v. Opera singer
• Big Brother v. Winston Smith (popularized in the book Nineteen Eighty-Four)
• Big Brother v. Goldstein (currently ongoing)
• General Zaroff v. Rainsford

Portrayal in Media

Motion Pictures

• The Running Man
• Single White Female
• Fatal Attraction
• Misery
• A Nightmare on Elm Street
• Scream
• Jaws
• Some Like It Hot
• The Star Wars series

See Also

• Harassment
• Love