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Paul "Grizzly" Rhoads (born February 2, 1967) is an American college football head coach and at Iowa State University and Professional Bear-Fighter. Rhoads was formerly the defensive coordinator of the Auburn Profession Football Club LLC. He was hired by Iowa State after the defection of the Dark Lord Gene Chizik.

Early Life

Paul Rhoads was allegedly conceived and born on the exact sport where Jack Trice Stadium stands today. Rhoads would grow up close to Ames in Little Des Moines (Now known as Ankeny, Iowa.) Rhoads initially gained fame for a romantic affair involving his Kindergarten teacher, 24 year old Lisa Price, who was nearly 18 years older then him. He would eventually end the relationship, leaving her for his 2nd Grade Teacher, then his 5th Grade Teacher, and so on. His hometown would experience a huge population boost in the future do to the number of illegitimate children Rhoads would father. Rhoads would claim to be Cliff Ankeny when sleeping with the women, thus they renamed the town Ankeny, Iowa in admiration of him.

Playing career

He was an impressive athlete at Little Des Moines High School, lettering in Football, Basketball, Baseball, Judo, Cross-Country, Sword Fighting, Wrestling, Track and Field, Golf, Bull Riding, Swimming, Bare-Knuckle Boxing, Rugby, Beard Growing, and of course, Bear-Fighting. He also surprisingly served as a manager to the Girl's Volleyball, Basketball, Track, and Cheer teams as well. Football was Paul's first love though, (after Bear-Fighting) and he was his team's star player. He was well-respected for playing Quarterback, Wide Receiver, Center, Linebacker, Defensive Back, Kicker, Punter, and Long Snapper simultaneously. However, do to excessive amounts of Human Growth Hormone, Testosterone, and Alcohol in his system, Rhoads would not be able to play Football professionally.

Coaching career

Rhoads began his coaching career in the late 1980's, coaching the Boone 4th Grade Pop Warner Team. He would lead the team to a record of 323-0-1. (The tie coming from a disputed game against the Chicago Bears)

In 1995, incoming head coach Dan McCarney hired Rhoads to join him at Iowa State, where he served as linebackers and secondary coach for 5 seasons. Rhoads also "assisted" with the Women's Gymanstics team during his first tenure in Ames.

Auburn Tigers

After a 5 years hiatus from coaching, spent in Northern Alaska hunting moose and elk with his bare hands, he was hired as the Defensive Coordinator by Auburn Professional Football Club LLC in 2002. As head of Auburn's defense, Rhoads also led the Auburn Cheer and Dance Team to 3 National Titles and an Adult Film Award.

Iowa State Cyclones

Gene Chizik (then head coach at Iowa State) reportedly made a deal with Satan allowing him to take the Head Coaching job at Auburn Professional Football Club. Chizik feared Paul Rhoads, being reportedly unable to maintain eye-contact with him, and terminated his contract upon taking the job. Rhoads vowed vengeance, and returned to Iowa to plot his revenge and take the Head Coach position at Iowa State. He was reportedly offered a 5-year contract worth $5.75 million and includes incentives that could increase his salary, but turned it down calling the job, "Personal." Of the 80 players present at the start of his first training camp at Iowa State, 14 survived. Rhoads opened his ISU career with a win over FCS North Dakota State. He also led Iowa State to a victory at Kent State in his first year, ending a 17 game road losing streak. On October 24, 2009, the Cyclones defeated the University of Nebraska in Lincoln for the first time since 1977, inciting his post game speech which became nationally recognized. Paul Rhoads was the first Iowa State coach to win six games in his initial season since 1915, when Charles Mayser coached the Cyclones to a 6–2–1 record. He would eventually lead the team to a victory against the Univeristy of Minnesota in the Insight Bowl. After the game he reportedly executed several Minnesota players as retribution for the death of Jack Trice nearly a century before.

In 2010, Rhoads captured a milestone win over the #22 Texas Longhorns by a 28–21 margin. It was only the fourth ever road win over a ranked team in Iowa State history, and the first occurrence since a 33–31 victory over Oklahoma in 1990. After the post-game handshake with Mack Brown, he allegedly bitch-slapped him to assert his dominance, and then walked away. This was also the first ever win by an Iowa State football team over Texas.

In 2011, Iowa State started off the season 3–0 including a triple overtime win over Iowa in Ames that featured him verbally-berating Kirk Ferentz to the point of tears, and a win over Connecticut in East Hartford. The 2011 season also included a 41–7 win on October 29 at No. 19 Texas Tech, where rumor has it he wore a player's jersey and scored 4 of Iowa State's 6 total touchdowns that game.

On November 18, Iowa State faced off against undefeated No. 2 Oklahoma State, Heisman frontrunner Brandon Weeden, and star wide receiver Justin Blackmon in Ames. Down 24–7 early in the second half, Iowa State came back with 17 unanswered points to force overtime. At one point Rhoads made extended eye-contact with both Weeden and Blackmon, shattering their confidence in the process. Iowa State became bowl eligible with the win and improved to 6–4. It has been speculated that Weeden and Blackmon's struggles in the NFL are directly related to this game, both having been diagnosed with PTSD because of it.

The 2012 season proved to be another great one for Iowa State. The team would play a key game against the University of Iowa Hawkeyes in Iowa City. During this game he would lose his temper several times. He was nearly ejected for breaking 2 Headsets in the first 3 minutes of the game, breaking his intern's nose, shoving an official, headbutting Iowa's mascot, and breaking a 3rd headset over the head of Kirk Ferentz. Iowa State would pull off the win, 9-6 and bring home the Cy-Hawk Trophy for 2nd year in a row. The season would also see Iowa State upset Texas Christian, and became ranked #24 in the BCS Polls at one point.

After the regular season, former coach Gene Chizik was fired by Auburn Professional Football Club LLC. Days later he attempted to return to the state of Iowa, but was mysteriously found that next week in a ditch outside of Boone, Iowa with a piece of a clipboard lodged in his skull and a headset around his neck.

Personal Life

He is happily married with a wife, 2 kids, and 3 girlfriends.

He doesn't legally claim any of his illegitimate children for tax purposes.

Rhoads is distantly related to George Washington, Napoleon Bonaparte, Robert E. Lee, Teddy Roosevelt, Franklin D. Roosevelt, Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin, Martin Luther King, John F. Kennedy, Ronald Reagan, Bill Clinton, Tom Cruise, Morgan Freeman, Michael Phelps, Jackie Chan, 2 out of The Three Stooges, and the entire cast of the show Swamp People.

Paul Rhoads Facts

He is close friends with Alabama Coach Nick Saban, whose team he propelled to the 2011 BCS Title Game thanks ISU's victory over Oklahoma State. It is reported Nick Saban had a 7-foot gold statue of Rhoads erected on Alabama's campus, "Out of respect."

Paul Rhoads consumes an entire steer every Tuesday while recording his radio show, "The Paul Rhoads Show," at a local Applebees.

Rumored to be the inspiration for the film, "Star Wars."

Supposedly Iowa Runningbacks continue to transfer every year out of fear.

After every road victory, he urinates on the opponent's field, dubbing it, "My field."

Sunday through Friday he fights crime at night in the Ames-Des Moines Metropolitan Area.

It is rumored that he has Kirk Ferentz's wife and daughter both on speed-dial.

He once killed a baby deer, cried over it's death, brought it back to life with his tears, and then killed it a second time to demonstrate his power.

First coach to ever receive votes for the Heisman Trophy

Rhoads has a sponsorship through which he drinks large amounts of Hawkeye Vodka, urinates into a bottle, and then it is sold as Shmirnoff.

If Paul Rhoads and ISU Basketball coach Fred Hoiberg were to fight, the universe would explode.