User:SpankingDuck/The Way Twilight Should Have Ended

“This book sucks.”

~ Captain Obvious on Twilight.

“This has nothing to do with Justice!”

~ Captain America on the lack of Justice in Twilight.

“Blood is the source of my power.”

~ Oscar Wilde on the benefits of blood.

“This has nothing to do with Captain America.”

~ Captain Obvious on the obvious random-ness

“THIS... IS... An abomination to literature!!”

~ Leonidas

The Original Ending

The ending of Twilight was originally more about an actual conclusion rather some-old-bullshit about how the "evil" vampires somehow manage to consider not killing the bastard offspring of Bella. The ending change was due to the fact that Harry Potter was currently dominating the global, young nerd/old coot fan base and that the author did not seek teenage supremacy (due to the overall stupidity and slight retardation of the current teenage population) But ironically, the ending ended up drawing in more of the teenagers, rather then drawing them away

While as awesome as it seemed at the time to actually write an ending, many endings (according to the original author, Charlie Manson) had been drawn out such as:

• Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks people (Scraped due the overuse and abuse of Chuck Norris/Not Funny)
• Mr.T does the exact same thing (Yet again, due to the overuse and abuse of Mr.T/Not Funny)
• The baby is never born, Edward and Bella use a condom (Scraped for realism)
• The Vampires engage in a epic battle and Edward dies in the line of duty, his son lives on to become Wesley Snipes and become Blade
• Bella gets an abortion
• Bella doesn't sex with Edward due to the fact THAT HE IS A VAMPIRE!!
• The Kasumi ninjas attack the Vampire's headquarters and resolve the conflict by taking the child in and training him as a half vampire, half ninja.
• Reality soon catches up with Bella and realizes that vampires aren't real
• Bella goes to rehab
• The unborn baby feasts on Bella's insides and soon breaks out in a alien-like fashion (Obviously killing her)

Charlie Manson discussing the ending and publishing of Twilight.

While these endings all seemed good at the time, Charlie Manson soon realized that writing a good ending involved a combination of all these ideas and a few ingredients:

• 100 g's of Ideas
• 500 g's of Slight realism
• 1.5 kg's of Cliche
• 100 ml of Anti-Chuck Norris/Mr.T/Vin Diesel/David Hasselholf/G.I. Joe Joke solution
• Mix with humour and more cliche until creamy and place in the oven for 20 minutes and wait it crispy(pre-heated oven of 300 degrees)
• Apply to paper and begin writing

Once Charlie Manson had written the original, completely awesome ending, he sent it to all the publishers around the globe but unfortunately, was rejected. Fortunatly for Charlie, a local publisher read the draft of Twilight and was shocked by the complete awesome-ness of the ending which he stated that "totally made up for the piece of crap the rest of book was"

The publisher agreed to publish Charlie's book the next day and all was fine until...

The Murder of The Publisher

The day before the book was about to scheduled printing copies, the publisher suspiciously died in his apartment by a so called "self strangulation by fatal gunshot wound to the head", the police shrugged it off as a simple suicide but Charlie Manson soon realized that a weapon such as a gun does infact NOT strangle a person to death. The murderer of the publisher was indeed Stephenie Meyer as she also saw the draft (working as a assistant to the publisher) and soon sought to publish the book under her own name (as she thought that no one would publish a book by Charlie Manson so she decided if she put it under her name that the publishers would eat it up).

She took the draft from the publisher's home but when she was found out by the publisher, she shot him in the head out of shock. Realizing what she had done, Stephenie Meyer covered up the murder by trying to make it look like a scuicide. (however, due to her slight stupidity, accidently covered up the murder in the wrong fashion, doing a strangleation cover-up instead of a gun shot cover-up

Unaware to Charlie that Stephenie Meyer killed the publisher, he began to investigate who exactly would want to kill this low life publisher, his leads were going nowhere until Charlie soon realized that his book was actually published but it was under the name, Stephie Meyer. Discovering the killer, Charlie vowed to that day when he could escape his prison he would bring her to justice... he never did.

With Stephenie Meyer now at the reins of the novel, she edited the ending to what she saw fit. Ignoring Manson's intentions.

The Beginning Of The End

So Edward and Bella have gathered together all the vampires that will help them stand around and do nothing while they chat with the evil vampires trying to kill the bastard offspring of Bella and Edward. (See Michael Jackson)

While standing around and doing nothing they are suddenly interrupted when one of the Vampires screws the entire Elder's over and turns out to be a double agent (Who ends up killing the child and escapes) . This gets Edward and Bella sort of angry, however relieved, beacuse benifit payments on half-vampire children are pretty low thanks to Barack Obama. At the first sign of danger, the other useless filler vampires connected their rings to form Captain Planet, and flew away to save an orphanage or something.

However, little did the other vampires, Edward, Bella (due to the departure of Captain Planet). This is where the end game began.

The Basilisk's deadly stare. Careful, dont look directly in her eyes (she may be trying to seduce you)

Meanwhile, On Mars

Cohagen's death ray was nearly assembled (thanks to Jim Carrey and the brainwashed cast of Whose Line is It Anyway?) which he planned to use to destroy the town Bella and Edward lived in because the guy is bat fucking insane.

Cohagen's judgement and sanity was compromised due to the aftermath of Total Recall (Which he someone survived from) and Cohagen is now hell bent on revenge to murder the unstoppable Arnold Schwarzenegger. Anyway, the final component he needed for his death ray was one of David Hasselhoff's hairs. You decide which kind.

How he managed to obtain such a rare and sacred artifact is by various sources of internet boob-age and Ebay fraud. Unfortunetly he bought it from Korea so he had to wait about a week and a half for it to arrive. When it did, Cohagen was afraid to open it himself, because it's a common known fact that David Hasselhoff's hair has a black belt in Karate. In a blatant act of stupidity he made the cast of Whose Line Is It Anyway open it, which caused their brainwashing to be removed. (Because it is another commonly known fact that David Hasslehoff's hair can cure brainwashing.)

Fortunately, for the cast, they have a outstanding ability to act their way out of extreme situations (Like Vietnam, Miley Cyrus Concerts and Drew Carey's Pants) so they decided fool Cohagen into thinking they are still brainwashed. Once Cohagen and implanted the hair into the death ray, he began the countdown sequence to what he dubbed 'Armageddon'.

Unfortunetly for the Whose Line cast, Jim Carrey had chosen the human race for this battle (Due to the Warcraft 3 Melee Freakout of 85') and had researched True Sight so he could see through the Whose Line's facade. Using a series of slightly funny jokes and his teeth, he managed to teleport the cast of Whose Line onto Venus, where they suffocated and died.

Cohagen, angered by the rapid humorous teleportation of the Whose Line cast, began to argue with Jim Carey (further delaying the countdown in a cliche fashion).

The Resurrection of Drew Carey

Drew Carey, (killed by Cohangen in the first book via knife to the back, in order to gain control of the Whose Line cast) luckily had a level 6 paladin hero and he managed to resurrect himself as White Wizard Carey with only 25 mana. By uttering the phrase: "Ok, let's move onto the next game. It's called revenge. We're going to play it with the help of Laura Hall." he managed to teleport himself out of the shallow grave he was buried in straight to the evil lair of Cohagen. Without Laura Hall (For some unknown reason)

Drew Carey preparing for battle, (also celebrating his 50th birthday by pillaging)

Out of nowhere, JJ Abrams appeared in order to take place of the missing Laura Hall (Whose appearance appear to be quite suspicious) In a massive twist, J.J Abrams planned the enitre death ray construction which he explained was to merely boost Lost's ratings (Although long gone). Although J.J. seemed to be the mastermind and at the helm of this scheme, Cohagen betrayed J.J and killed him. (For reasons discovered later)

The fall of JJ Abrams granted Cohagen the control of the Cloverfield monster, which would make his somewhat perfect evil plan, a EVIL MASTERMIND PERFECT EVIL PLAN!

It seems all was lost as Drew Carey's mana regeneration was quite small which left Cohangen and Jim Carrey to do what they will with the Fate of the Earth.

Back On Mars

Cohagan had chained up Drew Carey to some weird sex machine when suddenly Arnie burst in through the roof, bungie jumping from his chopper. Napoleon Dynamite followed, killing Cohagan's guards with his Nun-Chucks. Arnie spluttered some undecipherable cliche and pumped Cohagan full of lead. Cohagan, in a desperate move, transferred his soul into Jim Carrey, turning Jim Carrey into Cohagan-Carrey. Cohagen-Carrey wreaked havoc on the Mar's base, destroying nearly everything except the death ray and the command room in which Arnie was in.

Fortunately, The entire vampire/Edward/Bella/N.D/ troop was killed in the Cohagen-Carrey rampage (this was due to the failure of them GETTING OUT OF THA CHOOPPPPAAA!, which by our thoughts was due to their own stupidity). Cohagen-Carrey grabbed the chopper with his powerful claws and tore a chunk out of the chopper, and threw it away. He spat it out the chunk because it tasted like bad character development.

Arnie and Cohagen-Carrey engaged in cliche showdown banter.

"Come Cohagen, you got what you want, GIVE THESE PEOPLE AIRZ!"

"Hahaha, thats what you said last time, Quaid! And this time, i wont leave you with those bumbling scientists that let you get away, I will kill you myself!"

"What do you think iz going to happenz, Cohagen?? Remember how it ended last time?"

"It wont happen again, you hear me! I WONT HAPPEN AGAIN! I have all of Earth under my control as I now have the power of my death ray powered by the Hoff and the Cloverfield monster!"

"Shut up! And stop calling me Quaid!"

"Prepare to die, Quaid!"

Arnie fell back towards cover, pumping Cohagen-Carrey full of lead, however, the joint power of Cohagen and Carrey gave Cohagen a extremely hard exo-skeleton (which could obviously make him immune to any of Arnie's firepower).

The Cohagen-Carrey mutation (Note: this could also mean that Jim Carrey could be an alter-ego to Dr.Manhattan)

Arnies plan from here on was to lead Cohagen towards the reactor and force him in the lava pit (which would also start the self-destruct sequence for the whole Mars Base). However, Arnie still needed to stop the Cloverfield monster, but fortunatly, Mr.T was filming his new film "To Kill a Mockingbird remake"(a movie with the roles reversed and where there is no moral, just Mr.T fighting fools and eating bagels for about 2 and a half hours... with Brad Pitt... and Al Pacino) while the Cloverfield monster attacked.

The Final Showdown

While Mr. T fought the Cloverfield monster in Manhattan, Arnie had lured Cohagen to the reactor where he would face his demise. However, Cohagen proved too strong for Arnie and the roles and been reversed as Cohagen was now trying to force Arnie into the Lava pit.

Cohagen dealt Arnie a deadly blow to the jaw (which forced him to unblock his stance which then left Cohagen a window of opportunity) While Arnie was subduded, Cohagen then used up the last hyper level in his gauge to perform "Final Justice" and lower Arnie's health to a miniscule amount.

Arnie felt that all hope was lost, but then he realised something.

"NYYYAAAAHHHH DREW CAREY!!! TEAM ASSIST!!"

Cohagen did, however, predict this to occur, so as White Wizard Drew came in, Cohagen tech hitted Drew Carey into the pit of lava.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" Arnie cried. "Hahahahah you cannot possibly defeat me, Your too weak!" "Ugh! YOU WONT WIN COHAGEN!" "Time to die, Quiad. Infact, you have made me late to a party I was meant to attend, great... now you owe me... WITH YOUR LIFE"

As Cohagen began to deal the finishing blow, a unexpected move by Drew Carey came into play. Drew Carey rose from the Pit of Lava with the last ounce of strength he had left, and pulled Cohagen unexpectedly into the Pit of Lava.

Arnie once again won, but before he left to for the chopper, He pulled Drew Carey from the Lava pit and laid him to rest in a lead coffin, until he was needed again.

But Arnie did not leave the Mars Base (before it self-destructed) empty handed, Drew Carey transfered all of his abilities onto Arnie, in order to fight the final form of Cloverfield monster once he binded with the Void.

The Void

While Arnie was fighting Cohagen, Mr. T was battling with the Cloverfield monster, but Mr. T lead to discover that the Cloverfield monster wanted to harness a void joining the Spirit World with the Human World, the power of this void would be extracted when the Two Worlds were torn in two. These were Cohagen's intentions all along with his death ray, dealing a blow so massive that the Lifestream would be forced to repair it, and until the portal to which the Lifestream comes through is the Void (Although, originally, the Lifestream came from the Earth, Cohagen realised that the power of the Lifestream came from the Spirit world)

The Cloverfield monster knew of this plan and sought its power also (unaware to J.J. Abrams knowledge)

Arnie, unfortunately, arrived just as the Cloverfield monster joined with the Void and the Lifestream, only with the joined power of Mr.T and Arnie could defeat the monster.

At that moment, Captain Planet re-entered (having finished feasting on the charred corpses's of the orphans) and gave rings to Mr T and Arnie (The Fool Pitier Ring and NYAAAAAAHHHHHHH Ring). They connected these rings and made the ultimate sacrifice, forging their souls with Captain Planet's. (This caused Mr. T's skin to turn green. Arnie's penis turned into a carrot).

The final battle began. Captain Planet grew Mohawks from his arms and launched at the Cloverfield monster, slashing at it's throat. The Cloverfield monster jumped aside, killing some guy, then used his newly found power to summon a bunch of Korean whale hunters. Captain Planet was instantly distracted by his biggest enemy and hadouken'd the fishermen into Saturn for no reason.

This distraction gave the Cloverfield Monster enough time to get a good hold on Captain Planet's kidney, tearing it out and killing Captain Planet (because everyone knows Captain Planet's power comes from his kidney)

All hope was lost as the Cloverfield monster has slain Captain Planet, the Earth stood still and waiting for the Void to consume them all.

However, unfortunalty for the Cloverfield monster, the Mar's base had not entered the self-destruct sequence (due the Mar's Base computers using a Vista-based super computer to control the entire base). The bug (which is Vista) in the Mar's Base, instead launched the ray cannon's countdown sequence and soon, the cannon fired only one round of the death ray (due to Vista crashing and being too lazy comprehend the massive power of the Cannon, self-destructing itself because it is also a commonly known fact that Vista has a equivalent human I.Q. and tolerance rate of 50 and would rather die then to actually think)

The single death ray round completely caught the Cloverfield monster off guard and dealt the monster a fatal blow. The monster (fatally wounded) imploded into itself and falling into the void (which then eventually reaching its critical mass and engulfing the universe and existence into nothingness. Due the theological impactions of such a event, time soon reversed itself to the very beginning of the near-publishing of the first book (before anything to do with this complete randomness)

Stephenie Meyer, in the process of the writing of the story (in the alternate time line) destroyed and scraped the idea of Twilight and soon went on to study Story Writing 101 at Harvard. This would then lead her to write the smash hit tech noir novel, Ninja Wars (which has nothing to do with Twilight at all and soon would outsell the entire Harry Potter series)

Estimated projection of the Universe.

Reasons why this ending did not make it to the final copy

After a few drinks and a night of hot casual sex, Stephenie Meyer (after taking over Charlie Mason's work) decided that Charlie Mason's ending would not have suited her own beneficial gain (meaning she wouldn't make any money from random crap. Stephenie Meyer realised that the ending is in the alternate time line to the ending of a fictional book so therefore

Stephenie Meyer's Success = Only in a fictional alternate time line caused by the complete destruction of the universe

Due to this harass truth, Stephenie Meyer soon realized that the only way to achieve success with the series was to write an ending which would not related to the alternate time line (or to reality so theroicty), she could achieve success in reality without having to destroy the entire universe and write a tech noir novel about Ninjas). Also, the ending did not seem to have any relevance to the actual storyline and the main characters (and the actual conflict) so the Stephenie Meyer didn't really think anyone would understand or apprecated Charlie Mason's original intentions

So, to hide the truth of the ending, Stephenie Meyer destroyed the original ending by burning and left the remains in a glass urn in the tomb of the dragon emperor (However, due the recent discovery of the tomb, the urn now resides in the Oxford museum of History)

Necrophilia

Despite being marketed to young children (particularly overly romanticized teenage girls), Necrophilia is a constant theme in the series. Living girl meets weirdly sparkly dead guy, they make babies, hence, Necrophilia. Is this the kind of low grade smut we would inflict intentionally on our children?

See also: Ethics

Alternative Ending

This said, ideally the Twilight series would have been better ended involving the unpublished manuscript for the first novel in the series, and a flaming dumpster.