User:Smeagan/Bishop Hedley High School
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“If Hell had corridors it would probably be in the Divine Comedy”
Bishop Hedley High School is a Roman Catholic secondary school, est'd in 57 diffrent varities in A.D 63, and located in Penydarren, Merthyr Tydfil. The vast majority of the pupils of the school stem from the Heads of the Valley, serving fetishes from Aberdare, Hirwaun, Merthyr Tydfil, Merthyr Vale, Gurnos, Dowlais, Tredegar, Rhymney and Ebbw Vale, or more likely, Poland. At present, the school serves around 550-600 varieties of beans, aged 11-18. I say serves, its actually the other way around, there are no beans, only sausages.
The School has many famous alumni, some of whom probably were not, and were in noway affilated with: Mahatma Gandhi, The Right Honorable Gentleman Doctor Joshua Clementine Hunt Esq, Aberforth Dumbledore, Chuck Norris, Mr T, Ahhnald Scwarzagroper, Alex DeLarge, Muhammed 'im ard', Bruce Lee, And it is rumoured the Invisible Man attended the school, although though he was never actually seen.
First War of the Galonuchi[edit | edit source]
After the establishment of the Catholic Strong hold of Bishop Hedley on the historic Gwaunfarren Road in A.D 63, the Martinus Gay Senior Citizen Milita began rapid expansion moves through the Barbarian Gurnos, Galon Ucaf and Eastern Ebbw Vale, Bryn Mawr and Tredegar areas, culminating in the battle of Hilltop in A.D 69. For several years peace in the Empire was assured. However, the previously quiet Thomastown front, began to become frayed with discontent, taking advantage of the seemingly dispartate situation on the Workmans Cafe Front, the Cyfarthignian Empire moved, under the leadership of Hannibals Barca, Lector and Smith. Sercuring the Pass of Thomastown after the heroic defence of the Luke Warm Gate by Captain Terrinus Foleyus and his band of 300 Tartan Warriors. The Unholy Hannibal Triumvulate then sercured the advance with the building of the Cae Mari Dwn Strategic Temple of Doom in 76 A.D, it was a sacreligious blow.
The previously unbeatable Hoplite Phalanx of the Martinius Gay Senior Citizens was no longer enough, they Cyfarthians were well armed in the Roman Style, with a Tunic, Punice, large rectangular shields, javelin and a short stabbing sword - the Gladius. It was Jeffrinides 'Littlum Deeious' Davieees who took the initative, he introduced a new, well armoured and trained phalanx, free of the indicipline of before, every man was to be a soldier, the economy would be run by Ebbw Valian Slaves from the East, allowing a strong army to be raised. This was not all, he also wrought the introduction of the Companions, and elite group of Noble cavalry men to work the enemy flanks, and deliver the decisive blow, he also introduced Galon Uchaf Pikeys to harass the enemy flanks, and carry out infiltrations of enemy strong holds, it was said these men ate their foes, but it was never proved.
After the peace envoys organised by Tonyisious of the Imperial Consignia (Post Office)were beheaded by the Heathens atop the Cae Mari Dwn, a final message was sent, it read...
Meet us on Teddingtons Field, after school...we shall fight to the death
The Battle of Teddington Field[edit | edit source]
It was the afternoon of the 18th July, 79 A.D. Some say it was the last day of school, others insist term did not end until the 21st, what we do know however, is the cirriculum ended for many that woeful day...
The two armys assembled, immaculate and gleaming under half born morning son, oh such glory to be born. The Hedlians assembled under the direction of Jeffrinides in an unprecedented elchelon, with the prized Tartan Warriors providing the honoured left flank, the Science and Mathematics Departments under General Scipio in the center, with History and Theology on the right under Commander Pricius. What was left of the Citizens were brought together with the Art Department to form the reserves under Lord Boweisius 'The Bow' Bowenage. The Galon Uchaf light infantry were to provide flank cover, and shield the Companion Cavalry.
The Cyfartians Assembled in line, with the dreaded elephants facing the History department. At 7.36am, they charged.The Tartans were brought about face, and engaged, they pushed right through the leading edge of the Cyfartian flank,and they began to push to the centre, the elchelon now moved as one, Jeffridies watching his hard training pay off, the History Department charged into the teeth of the Cyfartiginian Vetinarians, they fought well, but became unstuck after the charge of Hannibal Smiths personal bodyguard. The Companions were then deployed to the right to take Smith by force. Meanwhile Scipio held firm in the center, whilst losing heavy casualtys to the wild blood lust of those men from yonder hill, he began to move forward, and leave the Historians and Companions alone, the Elephants stirred. Scipio was to use many words that day, none were comprehensionable, and certainaly none were under7 letters, a situation compounded by the presence of Mulrinus in the front line. Just after 11 am, as the Cyfarthigians began to collapse in the center under the Tartans, and the Verbal Mysterys of Scipio, but pushed the historians into retreat, Barca ordered forth the elephants.
One poet later wrote :
Oh Woe! Such frightful beast! Crunchy friends and a liquid broth! Laugh! oh but Cry! Dear brave boys! over the hill you charged, yet under it you will end, buried under a thousand trunks of a beast so rare!
The carnage was absolute, thousands of men perished in the onslaught, the Art department were deployed, but ended up like a Neil Buchannan Big Art Attack all over the field, all seemed lost as Scipio and the reminants of the Maths and Science Cohorts grouped with the Tartans to make their last stand. Atop the bodys of 20,000 dead men they stood, all but 3,762 men left of the original 30,000 men, they offered prayer, and attempted a crossword, but they knew too well that the final assault was on its way. The Carthigians now brought up their elite Immortals, and marched forth, all seemed lost. Then! over the hill appeared, Mr Minolli and the Eastern Valley Supply Teachers Union of Brynmawr and Ebbw, 6,000 fine God fearers! They tore through the hastilly reassembled Cyfarthrgian left flank, all routed before them all, then Scipio led the Charge with a thousand words, when one could have done, but it served the purpose, victory was assured, and peace in the empire may last. It is hard to say how many died that day, some say 50,000, other 100,000, but their deeds echo in a fictional eternity.
Autobots: Past and Present[edit | edit source]
Past[edit | edit source]
Terry Foley[edit | edit source]
Terrence 'Artemius' Foley, was perhaps the single greatest figure to emerge out of both post-apartied South Africa and late Colonial-India. Many fondly remember his fight with Lu-Ching the Panda on that hot July Sports Day of 1984, resulting in both Lu-Ching's ultimate demise, and legal action from both Chuck Norris and Bristol Zoo, on counts of thunder stealing martial abillitys, and cruelty to Animals ( as an aside, the School has endured fairly regular fly picketting from the Communist Panda Liberation Front of Great Britain and Ireland ). But, he is remember by those who knew him as more than the Panda slaying P.E master, or the face behind Morlais Castle Golf Club's 'Terry Foley Classic'. He is the passionate leg spinner, the master black mans pincher, the tall tale Thermisticles.
Recent Events[edit | edit source]
Bishop Hedley is currently undergoing reclassification as a TX-146 Falovian Flux Transporter to send aid to the beleagared defenders of Aberwystwth who are currently trapped in12th Century Bethlehem. Re-classification from D-Grade Catholic Mass Transport is expected to finish around Spring Term 2013-14. Under going this operation is V.A.G Jones who shortly after finishing her Maragret Thatcher themed drag act, had this to say : God made the world...and it was GOOOOD. The work is currently moving under the guise of a 'New Libary' however, this is rumoured to be the plain white dust jacket over the Karma Sutra. Specilation has grown since the 3rd Degree Blaster Burns that Head of Music Peter Lewis recived after enquiring into the presence of Warp Drive components in his office. He has not been seen since.