User:Shabidoo/happymonkeycompetition/2012/Rainchild

Happy Monkey Competition 2012

Pee reviews for: Rainchild

Article: Saturday (day of the week

Pee Review from Shabidoo

Creativity:	7/10	Its not easy to begin an article about a day of the week (let alone write an entire one). You start off with a good idea, to show how random the names of the days of the week are and that Saturday as the sixth day of the week is totally random and illogical. I would recommend that if you are going to write about something that seems stupid, that you should write in a way that doesn't seem like you are judging it, or like you aren't angry. For example: Saturday is some creatively dreamed up label for one roation of the earth each week, named after an even more crazily dreamed up god of the sea or some greek half-god (whatever story you believe). According to the Romans (or Greeks), he was the sixth most important god of the week, and we have thus ended up with Saturday as our sixth day of the week, without much say in the matter. If only we had a chance to name the days ourselves we just might call it Gaga-day, Ghandi-day or Twin-towers-falling-in-a-giant-heap-of-dust-and-metling-metal-day. (that might not be the best way to write it, but you get the idea. Writing about the stupidity of things is usually much better if you don't clearly point out that its stupid, nor complain about it let alone seem angry, but simply demonstrate it in a few sentences and hopefuly with a bit of humour). I would also recommend only using meta narrative if it is essential for the article or you are doing something very unique (calling your first section pointless is humerous but insulting your own work and makes the reader feel like they just wasted their time reading the section). You could always consider making it positive: "Wasn't that the greatest section of an article you've ever read? Now you'll be the trivia king of the party....especially if someone asks where the word "Saturday" came from! (or something of the sort). So while the idea is a good one, I suggest that would spend more time (now that you have more than 36 hours) to think about it, concieve some strategy and then write about the total randomness of the name saturday in a non judgemental or angry way. In the next section you go over the etymology of Saturday coming from the name of a Greek demi god and then some how up in syncronised goat fucking. This is very creative, and amuzing, though I wouldn't say that this is original nor clever (see the below sections). You are obviously a creative guy, and I'm sure if you had more time, you would have found a far more interesting way to treat the topic of the article. If you take a look at a lot of articles on this website, you'll find that most of them talk about the topic of the artile and then fall apart into a fucking, killing, raping, shitting and what not orgy of randomness that has nothing to do with the topic. Thats amusing and funny a few times, but when you think of it, there is so much more you can write about, especially on a topic as open and inviting as "saturday". Examples of ideas you could talk about: It is only saturday in some parts of the world at any given time (and then describe saturday like some force that wraps around the world one time zone at a time). Zen buddhism which tries to transcend time and space and use Saturday as the day of the week you must transcend the most, as it is the day of fun and leasure, a day more humans would not want to give up. Talk about how most companies, struggling in this economic crisis are forcing people to work on Saturdays, creating lots of labour strikes in socialist countries and Massachusets. What a saturday would be like on the moon. Or in heaven. Or if you lived in the centre of the sun. What evil priests like to do on Saturdays. In portugueese the names of the week are day1 day2 etc.. and saturday is Day6. There are so many places to go there, other than syncronised goat fucking, which, I admit, was very amusing, though you could add that into any article, and it would have the same effect. And then...suddenly...you surprise the hell out of me with what is, at least for me, very good writing. You start off in the same nihilistic style, saturday, a day for losers and doing nothing, and then add your own sad story, writing evocatively and with subtle humour. While you don't really treat the topic of the article (it could have been any day). As it progresses I have the feeling that Mary is a goat (for chewing someones hair) but Im not sure. The whole section seems absurd, with many funny ideas like: "giant can of lima beans", "gurgling the national anthem", "burning your loins". I think the text digresses back into goat fucking with the lima bean snorting and LSD, which again, is expected as in many of the other articles. But wow, what a great section...you are definately talented when you try to write something more than cruft. Rainchild, if the rest of this article was like the final section minus a couple cruft-like references and polished, this could be a winning article.
Originality:	5/10	The final section, as far as I know, is very original. The first two sections, not very much. I really encourage you to take that sense of absurdism, subtlety, and ability to merge several ideas which you demonstrate in the last section, without the cruft (goat fucking, LSD snorting etc...) and apply that to the rest of the article. Do leave us with at least a little idea as to what Saturday is, and even better, give a reason behind the over all structure of the article (rather than just section 1:saturday is a stupid name, section 2: goat fucking, section 3: A nicely written lament on the loss of Mary. If you can incorporate a cool concept and apply it throughout the article along with your ability to write well as shown in the third section, this will be an awsome article.
Cleverness:	5/10	As for cleverness, I see tons of it in the final section and not very much in the first two. Being able to take one idea, and throw into the mixture a totally unrelated one that is unexpected but not stupid or cheesy, is not easy to do. It usually takes time and a lot of thought. Since you have the ability to do it, try and do that as much as possible when you write your articles here, and you'll become a legend.
Content and Images:	5/10	The narrative of the third section is good, the rest, its fine, no mystakes, no bad grammar. No images though. Go onto images.google.com and find images that a reader would NEVER expect to go on an article about Saturday and leave us an amazing caption that makes us laugh, makes us realise, oh yeah, that goes along with Saturday, how funny!
Points for whatever reason:	7/10	I'm giving you a nice seven points here, because you took the challenge and followed through and completed an article (borderline stub/article). And it was NOT an easy topic at all.
Final Score:	29/50	Im glad to see you put heart and energy into it and thanks for making me laugh (in the third section). Have fun editing and reworking this article and come to my talk page if you want me to clarify anything or if you want ideas or have questions about how to format the article or anyhting else. Talk pages are the palces to talk about goat fucking. Magic man is a master of goat fucking. He'd love nothing more than to talk with you about it there. On his talk page (and not in articles). And yeah...once again...GOOD WORK!
Comments:

Score and Comments from Wilytank

3/10 First of all, you don't really need to write your articles on your main name page, but that has nothing to do with this critique.

The unfortunate thing about this article is how I've kinda seen it all before. A narrator that breaks the fourth wall by referencing the uselessness of Uncyclopedia's formatting (though I'm not sure this is hackneyed, to me it isn't particularly humorous either), then it talks about animal fucking, and finally the article dissolves into HowTo:Get Over Jenny. No real images here either. I've given this advice once during the competition: originality can get one a long way on this site. --Wilytank can be a pain in the ass. 04:04, February 19, 2012 (UTC)

Score and Comments from PopGoesTheWeasel

6.5/10

Score and Comments from Mattsnow

7.5/10

Bwahahaha! That was awesome! Great one! The pics are the only thing to improve I think. And also, making it longer! Mattsnow 16:58, February 14, 2012 (UTC)

Score and Comments from Joe9320

7/10

Score and Comments from Chief

8/10

That was completely bonkers but you managed to do it in such a way that it made me laugh rather than irritating or boring me. The throwaway style works really well. Proper images and a bit more content would go a long way with this one.

Final Score

61/100