User:Shabidoo/happymonkeycompetition/2012/Magic man

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Happy Monkey Competition 2012

Pee reviews for: Magic man

Article: Mariachi Band

Pee Review from Shabidoo

Creativity: 10/10

A big wide steaming 10 for creativity. I'm impressed by how you added many different touches by: making it a question and answer session, having three different characters, having the characters dialogue in different colours, that the different colours represents the mexican flag, the play on large mexican families, the use of a white guy trying to be mexican, and using three very different images well. And you did all of this in 36 hours. Well well well done magic man. I wouldn't have a clue what more to add here in the creativity section.

Originality: 6/10

This article is also very original (as per all the above mentioned ideas). It was one of the more unique articles in the competition. That being said, you address the topic of Mariachi bands in a very literal way throughout the article and you don't really touch much on the very thing itself: "what is a mariachi band"? "why do they wear a tight flamboyant suit"? "Do mexicans even like the music"? "How often does this music get mystaken for Spanish music"? "why is there so little variation in the songs"? "is a mustache obligatory to be in a band"? etc. And there is also the possibility to take the article places that would really surprise the reader. Consider linking Mariachi bands even closer to the size of a large family. For example:

  • The larger the family, the more the pressure is to perform mariachi (a whole family could make up one band)
  • The lack of employment opportunities forces even the most remotely musically talented of the children to leave home and ease the family burden of so many mouths in one kitchen).
  • Mexican families are proud to have one son in a seminary, one son running for Mayor of the town and desparately try to hide the fact that one of their sons is in a Mariachi band. (etc)

To wrap this section up...it is very very creative, but I would suggest, as always, when going over your article, to ask yourself, can I take this article to a totally different place while still keeping it as an essential part of the article with continuity? I'm sure that in this article you can.

Cleverness: 7/10

As per above, there is so much clever about this, mostly mentioned in the creativity section. What I found most clever (aside from the formatting) was the "large family" theme. You use it several times, parodying the large size of a Mexican family and the smaller size of white families (their a handful). Also, the joke about hiring the white guy was funny, though I would suggest finding a more relevant way for the previous guy to have died, a fire seems sort of random. Ideas:

  • He died from an annurism from playing the trumpet too loud during his famous solos
  • He died from a broken heart after his $50,000 trumpet was destroyed by a freak stray bullet shot during a Mexican wedding
  • He died from accute blindness while looking at himself in the mirror. The sun shined directly off the rivits, buttons and lapels on his Mariachi suit and concentrated on one point in the mirror striking the incredibulous optical nerve. His death was considered the fourth most bizzare mariachi band related accidental death in the last decade. (etc)

Little parts of the article I thought were funny:

  • Working for the maid service and the others' jobs
  • Vamos a hacerlo (though I would recommend chosing a more flamboyant phrase like: "Que les hagan fliparse" or "Os vamos a arrancarles la cabeza con nuestras trombas" (which has a double meaning :) oh and I'm not entirely sure if fliparse is used in Mexican spanish.
  • Waiting a week to get a new iphone
  • "Right, because we still have each other.
  • I like how you found a different way for someone to ask a question with you had your hand raised sir? (as this is a shorter article, I would recommend coming up with other unique ways for the audience to ask questions or the three guys to pick someone who wants to ask a question).

Parts where the jokes crossed the cheesy line for me:

  • Introduce yourselves chicos, it might be better to use a less known word that men use with each other like "machos" or "guey" (which I think is a common Mexican way to say dude), or "hombres".
  • They were all born on their own. I get the idea behind the joke, but could you come up with a way to tell this joke without the total absurdity (as your article is otherwise in no way magical or impossible)
  • You may consider picking names for the kids that are all two sillables going consonant vowel consonant vowel and having one or two that are readiculously long. Or...as a lot of people have double names, mix them all up like:
    • Juan Jesus, Jesus Juan, Javi Manuel, Manuel Maria, Maria Jesus, Jesus Carlos, Carlos Maria, Maria Juana, Juana Manuela (though that might ruin the flow of the article)
Content and Images: 6/10

As per the narrative, I think it is really well written. Its done in your always laid back but humerous style. Theres always a whiff of cheese in your lines, but you always shamelessly write it so well, I find myself laughing at a style of writing I would otherwise not find funny.

As per the images, the first two fit in quite well. The third one is not bad, though maybe a little expected (the flamboyant artist who is an office worker by day). Consider adding an extra dimention of humour into the third picture by giving him an equally flamboyant day job but making it seem like a serious one. The last image made me laugh. I think some readers will find it a little fluffy and out of sync with the other images in the article, but I like it and it fits in with who you are as a writer.

Points for whatever reason: 10/10

A full ten points for a very admirable attempt. You clearly put a lot of work in such short time both concieving the article, working on several clever and complex jokes, the formatting and other very creative ideas.

Final Score: 39/50

No doubt you will expand the article just a little more and perhaps adjust the images and polish it up and it will be featured in no time. Thanks for putting heart and sole into the article during this years competition. It wouldn't have been the same without your very creative and unique writing style!

Comments:

{{{Comments}}}

Score and Comments from Wilytank[edit]

6/10

Score and Comments from PopGoesTheWeasel[edit]

8.5/10

I liked it, kind of a feel-good article! I think the color thing to distinguish the persons is a great idea. Clever jokes too! Talk Mattsnow 17:43, February 13, 2012 (UTC)

Score and Comments from Mattsnow[edit]

7.5/10

Score and Comments from Joe9320[edit]

8/10

Score and Comments from Chief[edit]

7/10

An interesting concept and a generally pleasing result. The fluency is hampered in places by some slightly confusing dialogue choices and the use of greyish white for one of the characters; this made my eyes hurt. Despite my bleeding eyes it was a pretty good read.

Final Score[edit]

76/100