User:Shabidoo/happymonkeycompetition/2012/Knucmo2

Happy Monkey Competition 2012

Pee reviews for: Knucmo2

Article: Llama Agility

Pee Review from Shabidoo

Creativity:	6/10	Lots of creativity here. The article has a ton of different ideas, different sections and different thoughts. I give you very high marks for that. In my opinion, creativity is essential to any good writing and if you have that creativity (which you obviously do) you should consider yourself lucky. It seems though, that you didn't have time to filter all of that creativity and edit it into a coherent form, or an article with a clear concept (except that you know nothing about Llama agility). As I see in your featured articles, each article consists of various different sections which are written on the same topic but differ in concept, tone, format, idea and collectively form a good article. I'm not sure that would work out well on a topic like Llama agility. When a reader gets to the end of an article and finds out there was no point in reading it, because the article wasn't even about the topic but a lead up to a sort of anti-climax, many readers may leave with an either confused feeling or negative feeling about the article. If you really want your article to be about how nothing you know about Llama agility nor any of the worlds great thinkers, then start the article by saying so, and then prove just how little you know about Llamas in more and more absurd ways. That way, the anti climax is at the beginning and you can end the article in a more positive or humerous way leaving the reader with a much better feeling and experience. However, I would suggest that it wouldn't take much to add a more creative concept to the article than that you know nothing about Llamas and their agility. The article is very clever (See below) and you write with a witty intelectual finess and many of your jokes are subtle and even take a second reading to get. However, if most of the sections of your article could be randomly shuffled around without really changing the article much, if even the sentences can be reordered without having an averse effect on the article, then you're probably loosing out on many opportunities to set up not only great satire, but also great humour. For instance, in the introduction you touch on Neil young, south american travel, philosophy and history, mathematics, a great feat, homely tips etc... but none of them are at all devleoped beyond half a sentence or one sentence. It would probably suit your article much better to use just a couple of those ideas and elaborate on them more and to give a couple examples of actual Llama agility. For example: Instead of switching from Neil young to how important Llama agility was to great minds in the past, you could extend the Neil Young theme even further. For instance: Though if Neil Young were to do that, he would learn some amazing lessons on the agility of a Llama. Neil Young would be able to experience the unbelievable speed of a Llama, by riding on it and seeing streaks pass him by as he rushes through the country. He would cross a farm in no time without even leaving foot prints on the ground. He should actually do it, do what he says he will do, rather than just write a lot of songs. Or you could even combine it with your next sentence (of the great minds touching on the topic) Neil young was certainly not the only great scholar to study the agility of Llamas. Plato beat him to it when he wrote several dialogues about Llamas without ever actually having seen one. Though Plato wasn't the first either, Lao Tsu beat Plato to it when he theorised the existence of a humped like bird that could go fast and quietly and called it the summer agile bird. Neil Young may have been the last to draw illusions towards our crafty bird, though he most certainly wont be the last. In the mean time, we can enjoy his moderately sucessful songs. These are certainly not the best ways to cover the topics, but in any case, these examples use a variety of ideas but also connects them, or builds on them or extends them further than just the sentence, the paragraph or section. In some sections there is a greater elaboration of ideas, such as Llamas forced to jump over cliffs. If you did so throughout the article, then all your creative ideas and your gift for writing with an intellectual tone would result in a far more interesting and enjoyable article. The article itself has some clear themes: that no one reading this article is clever enough to get what it is really about and meta writing (refering to the article itself, its content and what it is doing). As per the llamas, I cant find any concept or angle about them in the article. What are you trying to say about them? That they are strange animals that can be exploited in many ways though it always ends up in disaster? that there is nothing really to say about them? Your article would probably benifit greatly if whatever the concept or theme about Llamas is in your article, was quite clear. I also don't think it would take much to do so. 90% of the ground work is there, you have your tone, your narrative, the intellectual gerry mandering and a clear concept can easily fit in it. Take the second section: Imagine the over all idea you want to leave with the readers is that Llamas are very agile, but it never helps humans, then very little would need to change in the article: Instead of having the Peruvians wait for the Llamas in their race, you could inverse the idea and make Llama agility seem useless. The race always started and people were amazed by their speed, but they got ahead so fast that no one could catch up with them and no one ever knew who won. In the third section: Llamas could bring anyone to the top of a mountain, in no time, and much faster than donkeys or other anmals, but if you werent careful, the Llama would keep running right over the cliff taking you with it. Once again, that agility is nice in theory, but useless in practice. It really wouldn't take much to adapt all of your creative ideas and narrative into something more coherent and easy to follow. Parts of the article I particularly liked: Socrates' quote (very very creative and clever). The comparison with skateboarders. "No amount of unionising could prevent it". If you could fit those ideas into a clearer concept and execute it by elaborating more on them, this would be a great article.
Originality:	4/10	High points and medium points for originality. This is no typical article and you've clearly come up with some pretty out there ideas about Llamas and what philosophers said (and ultimately didn't say) about them. At the same time, the concept (that the topic is stupid and know one cares nor knows anything about it) has been done a lot, and isn't so original.
Cleverness:	9/10	The image of the Llama at the summit of a mountain was a great idea, and is only one of many many examples of built-in cleverness throughout your whole article. This is probably the most clever of all articles, and its part of the fun in reading it, that there was an original idea that you are building upto that we didn't even realise was there. However, as I've mentioned, if none of this clever ideas contain any secondary concept, if none of them are elaborated on, the whole article seems like an assortment of themes tied together with an anti-climactic punchline.
Content and Images:	5/10	As mentioned, the middle image was great and I like the caption. You should consider using your faculty for cleverness and find really unexpected images in place of the other two you used and come up with a caption that will surprise your readers, something that illustrates what you are doing in the article rather than just illustrate what Llamas and philosophers are. I really dig your intelectual tone and that above all is the most consistant aspect throughout the entire article.
Points for whatever reason:	6/10	I hope I've explained myself well. I'm giving you six points here as thats the average of the article.
Final Score:	30/50	You put a lot of ideas, heart, work and energy into this article. As I've said before, 90% of the form and content is there, I simply believe that you need to reconsider the over all goal of the article, a clearer theme and second theme that is placed throughout the entire article, more elaborations of your creative and clever ideas and something more than just "i dont know anything about this topic...so you've really just wasted time reading this article you dummy".If you didn't get what I've said here, or if you totally disagree with me and I simply didn't get the point or purpose of your article, if you want me to elaborate on anything or want more suggestions or ideas, come to my talk page and I'll gladly talk about it. Thanks for participating. I really hope you go over your article, polish it up and turn this article into a great one, which shouldn't be too hard considering what is already there.
Comments:

Score and Comments from Wilytank

7/10

Though there are some questionable parts, the writing here is mostly solid. However, didn't we already outlaw quotes at the tops of articles and the Wikipedia's version of the subject side boxes? --Wilytank can be a pain in the ass. 04:42, February 19, 2012 (UTC)

Score and Comments from PopGoesTheWeasel

7.5/10

Score and Comments from Mattsnow

8/10

You managed to make a good one out of a very difficult topic! The prose is really fancy, maybe a bit much as I didn't know what some words meant! Overall very funny article, certainly vfh worthy in the near future. :) Mattsnow 23:57, February 14, 2012 (UTC)

Score and Comments from Joe9320

7.7/10

Score and Comments from Chief

7/10

I had a mix of feelings about this one: it's well written and I liked most of the jokes, however it doesn't seem to flow as well as some other articles of a similar style. I'd suggest you go back and consider some of the latter parts of the article again, as that was the bit I felt least sure about. Make sure you are keeping the topic in mind and you don't ramble unnecessarily.

Final Score

67.2/100