User:Shabidoo/happymonkeycompetition/2012/ICameHereInACloche

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Happy Monkey Competition 2012

Pee reviews for: ICameHereInACloche

Article: High school football players of Indian descent

Pee Review from Shabidoo

Creativity: 10/10

Creativity overload. Really well done on that front. I am really amazed and impressed with just how many ideas and concepts and lines and jokes and off the wall stuff you've packed into one article in only 36 hours. Again, well done and FULL marks for creativity. Not only is the article creative, but over all very funny, filled with funny one liners and also some funny ideas that are developed beyond just one sentence.

Originality: 7/10

I like the way the sections are introduced by questions, especially the section "please tell us..."

I like your slowly revealed narrative, how you take time to explain your basic idea (about indians) and repeat that there is a problem several times until you finaly get onto it. Its not easy to write like that...well done!

I like that this article isn't some sort of expected article about how indians make good football players or bad football players but the idea that they are destroying an American institution. At the same time, I think you need to spend more time in conceptualising the article a little more. Why is this guy ranting so much about Indians in foot ball, can you relate it to a specific psychological problem this guy has (or his he just a sterotypical racist redkneck?).

So much in the article is very original and clever, though at times there are some cliché lines that have been used a lot. If you plan on finishing the article (which you should) I highly recommend that you find a way to rewrite some of the "memes" (ideas or jokes that have already been done a lot, both on the internet and here on uncyclopedia) with a fresh new way that fits your style of writing. In the next section I go into that more.

Cleverness: 7/10

You are clearly a very clever guy and you've managed to translate that cleverness into a good article on a difficult topic. Some moments are great, other moments are good in principle but in my opinion need a little more work.

Great moments:

  • "When god was the referee himself".
  • "For our bemusement...and America".
  • "Audible gasp"
  • "Poor american lebsian liberals" though consider little changes that aren't expected (poor american non-stay-at-home women)
  • Provided they vote republican.
  • "as are all people who disagree with me"
  • your naivete amuses me
  • I feel envious of you who do not see what could kill America
  • utter lack of respect and subordination on their part
  • that only those who have drank the blood of an infant can understand
  • If you did not automatically wince in terror and destroy your monitor with a strong mallet
  • but to see and Indian play football
  • Our erogenous zones tingle (this is a particularly good concept in the article, demonstrating how the "readers" of the article feed the ego and super human character of the narrator. VERY CLEVER)
  • socialist liberal archaeologists (a new and fresh way to label all left wingers)
  • attempt to out-God America
  • dozens of millions
  • , I will not let the curry of Indian high school football players taint the delicious stew of American traditions. (an example of evocative AND funny/original writing)
  • The ending. Funny and well written, however could you find a way to forshadow this throughout the article, it sort of comes out of nowhere. As well, its a little out of sync with the rest of the article as the "audience" keeps asking questinos as though the narrator is a god genius. you may consider making it clear that the narrator is both the audience that asks questinos and the ranting lunatic (with a split personality) or find a very creative way to forshadow the final meltdown and him being taken away.

Ideas for improvement:

  • The first paragraph is written in a humerous style, however there are so many little ideas that you put in there but no big humerous impact, fir instance the first joke is about going home in a drunken stupour. Thats somewhat expected. Could you use your creativity to come up with a more original and funnier way to end it. While these ideas aren't particularly funny, it gives you an idea what I mean. The game finaly ends and I drive home:
  • ...replaying all those left and right sequences in my head almost unable to steer the car well.
  • ...I'm still chanting with my whole family DEFENCE, DEFENCE, DEFENCE ... all the while pretending we know what that means.
  • ...always wondering, if I was just a little better at all those left and rights in high school, I could have been one of those gods.
  • The narrative at the end of the second paragraph is evocative, but much like the first paragraph, though at least to me, seems filled with lots of little ideas but little humour. Consider referencing "throwing balls", "running after each other",
  • As my eyes follow the ballet of the ball passing on the tips of the dirty fingers over well manicured grass, a free and patriotic tear falls from my eyes onto the concrete stands where my Grandparents first witnessed gods game and where my descendents will watch the magic of grown men destroying each others spinal columns.

(while that is nothing special, I've tried to fuse the use of evocative writing with at least a little humour and/or irony)

  • Try to write old ideas in new and funny ways. The paragraph about wasting money on math and science and art instead of football fits well into your article, but the way it is executed has been done before many times. Use your great creativity to write it in a fresh and new way. Consider:
  • Our children spend hours inside a boring classroom learning formulas and dates, haikus and hypotheses when they could be learning skills that they need to know now: how to stretch fabric over your ass and then pad it for extra spankability, how to put a metal cage over your head and spikes on your shoes, how to dive ontop of a human mountain. If our children learned things like this, those teachers would earn their over-inflated salaries. No, only football can teach the United States' youth how to be the real children of America.

(again, this is just an example, but I'm trying to cover an idea that has been written and parodied a lot in a new and fresh way, or atleast using adjectives and words that have probably never been used this way before).

  • There is a bit of over kill in the labeling of Indians as disgusting bastards. If you can find a way to demonstrate that the narrator is repulsed by indians without actually saying so, your narrative will seem cleaner and more clever. Instead of calling them bastards, gently call them children out of wedlock, instead of claiming the sound of their language is disgusting, think: Very few women on earth would every be aroused by recited poetry in that language. In any case, I would recommend only using very hard words for a particular climax of negative emotion and only if absolutely necessary and at a point that is well built up.

the bold sentence at the end of the "please tell us why" section, is, at least in my opinion really harsh and angry. I'm certain you can find a way to express the narrators disgust without typing a long string of insults. Your incredible imagination and creativity is very capable of doing so, Im sure.

  • they eat babies (this is a line that has been used a lot in articles on uncyclopedia...could you find something even funnier, even more creative and sensational)?. The rest of the paragraph also dives back into a long rant with a string of increasingly cliché insults. Im certain that with time you can make the text seem less directly angry and more original.
Content and Images: 5/10

The narrative is outstanding, the images on the otherhand are okay, but Im sure with some time, and some good searching on images.google or even better creating or modifying your own images, youll be able to add images that one wouldn't expect and find a clever way to fit them into the article. Images are such an important part of an article.

Points for whatever reason: 10/10

Full marks. You put TONS of work and sweat and work and sweat and work and sweat into this, clearly and fully writing to the tune of what this competition is about, and on such a difficult topic and one of your first full length articles. Well done. Sorry for the very long and indepth analysis, its not always fun having things critiqued, though I wouldn't have dedicated so much time to your article here if I didn't think you couldn't be a great uncyclopedia writer (as Chief justice suggests below). The ideas for improvement are just my point of view and everything can be improved upon when you have time to reflect on things and inject a strong and more original concept into the article.

Final Score: 39/50

Come to my talk page if you have any questions or want more clarification or ideas, or if you feel like vandalizing my talk page or finding a humerous way to insult me. Im always there in spirit and will answer you as fast as is godly possible. Thanks again for participating and making me laugh my dear nOOb.

Comments:

{{{Comments}}}

Score and Comments from Wilytank[edit]

9/10

Racism! Racism? Racism!

Pretty well crafted Racism!

Also: "INDIA! I LOVE INDIA! OUR FOOTBALL TEAM SUCKS! BUT OUR CRICKET TEAM IS REAL AMAZING!"

--Wilytank can be a pain in the ass. 13:28, February 18, 2012 (UTC)

Score and Comments from PopGoesTheWeasel[edit]

9/10

Score and Comments from Mattsnow[edit]

9/10

Oh man, did that crack me up! The level of irony, insanity and good prose here is everything I like in an article. Awesome, I had a blast! Talk Mattsnow 23:14, February 14, 2012 (UTC)

Score and Comments from Joe9320[edit]

7.9/10

Score and Comments from Chief[edit]

10/10

I've not read anything of yours to my knowledge, but having read this I am hugely impressed. It has a fantastic balance of humour and an impressive way of actually addressing the topic given. I laughed several times and thoroughly enjoyed the read. Excellent work, probably my favourite article of the competition so far. --ChiefjusticePSX 16:02, February 17, 2012 (UTC)

Final Score[edit]

83.9/100