User:Shabidoo/happymonkeycompetition/2012/Aleister

Happy Monkey Competition 2012

Pee reviews for: Aleister

Article: Homophones (grammar)

Pee Review from Shabidoo

Creativity:	10/10	So yeah, creative, who wouldn't expect creativity from an Aleister article. I like how you linked a whole bunch of words in the intro, and above that, they are linked in different ways. "Only time will tell" was probably my favourite one. Well done ;) The transition to the real concept of the piece was also done well. I wasn't expecting it (I thought you were really going to go the route of grammar only, and its not easy at all to cover two totally different themes, but I think you did it as well as it could be done. Homophones: I have to give your credit for your canny ability to make fun of really feminine gay guys. I think its very easy to go overboard or sound cliche. Instead, you made up a whole slew of sentences that you could imagine a gay guy saying, while at the same time, its clear that you're writing fiction and the point sticks. Its a good way to introduce the main element of the article. The use of images was also beyond creative and I also found that each section seemed distinct from the others. So yeah...full marks for creativity. p.s. secret codes in the yellow pages is one of the most clever ideas in the whole competition.
Originality:	7/10	I'm going to give you an 8 out of ten for originality. Not only did I enjoy reading an article about two different things...which combined with your creativity equalls helarious, I also liked all the little touches, the re-wording of memes and the reinvention of cliché ideas. I was on the other hand curious why you didn't go even more outside the box. If there were any two things you would do, one would be grammar and the other would be gay. I think this article is good and funny, but it would be a masterpiece if you could incorporate an over all theme to the article which could also at the same time connect the two sections, giving it more continuity and an extra dimention. As you've probably gathered, I really dig this website, because so many articles are written with extra dementionality...the best of the best article not only surprise and make you laugh, but include a very clever underlying message or idea. I've seen you do it several times. I don't quite see that yet in your article (I'm not sure if you think its even necesary). I'll give you a couple examples: You could cover the story of how homos tried to define themselves by using homophones in a way that no one does. As the technology becomes obsolete, the gay community continues to hold onto the technology as that is what defines them, and at the same time, homosexuality becomes mainstream, accepted and gays are no longer in the limelight, though they still think they are. (you already have a fair bit of this in your article, though if you did that on purpose, its not connected strongly or explicitly enough to come across clearly and on purpose). You could follow the history of gays slowly coming out of the closet and learning to express themselves by the use of the homophone, that somehow the homophone is a magical tool that makes being gay feel okay ... however it also has the danger of totally over taking your life and turning you into a super faggy queen diva if you aren't careful. You could connect the two concepts a little more througout the article by mentioning some more homonyms like: hot (spicy, warm, good looking) cool (hip, cold, acceptable) dope (something bad, a lazy person, drugs) coke (drugs, the soft drink, material to make steel) juice (from a fruit, energy in a battery, semen) In any case, the whole obsession of mine of fusing an underlying concept in an article, is really just my take on how good articles are written on the wiki and your article is probably fine just the way it is...though I always recommend that one think about the possibility of expressing more, as for me at least it makes the reading experience not just funny and intersting, but also satisfying.
Cleverness:	8/10	Things I thought were great: As said before, the homonyms in the intro The rose by any other name caption Blow me, very good way to cover homo promiscuity iHomophone (good idea and well placed) virtual ink he made them in many colours, Sheik! wider than ducky and tickle (consider tingle instead) The homophones in "yellow pages" section are brilliant. slaucy slanty sideways techfags (it comes out of nowhere but it fits and is funny) Things that could probably use some improvement: Maybe its obvious, but I wasnt sure what you meant by "given that were two numbers ahead of it" Telephones and homophones existed side-by-side for decades before the average person even knew what a homo was or where to look, and then some (one of those sentences you might consider editing down a little) Rollllls off the tongue with some long sssss's run through too - thought up what he called the "Yellow Pages" in honor of the sweet Chinese things who paged the clientele at the higher end plazas and ritzy weekend haunts where he and the boys would troll. (this sentence really needs some clarity) In the 20th Century lots of wars bothered just everyone, and they got on "the horn" (the phone was nicknamed "the horn" a long time ago, bringing smiles to the faces of in-the-knows) to get their turn on their "party lines" (winkie) to complain about the blood and gore and faux misunderstandings in high places. (thats a rather long sentence as well). the second paragraph in "homophones groovin" is in my opinion quite elaborate. Not only are the sentences super dense in ornamentation, but the paragraph as a whole is also like that, the narrative moving at the speed of light. two seconds upwind of speed dial, Im not sure what "action the grok of the home crew" means, no matter how i read it. airphones and quantumIphones, total genius that one!
Content and Images:	9/10	Images are great and the text is really evocative as usual. Aleister, I think your biggest challenge when writing is keeping that flowing, beautiful and evocative prose but at the same time tempering it. Think of it as though you are writing a poem, not with strict amount of sylables per line, but at the very least a rythm. In one sentence, you sometimes jam four ideas into it, and those four ideas are filled with adjectives and broad descriptions and analogies. For instance: Eventually lines were laid across the seabeds (muscles!) from land to hardy land, and homos and skirt-chasers could talk to their counterparts in other countries - thus expanding the range of their trolling and information engulf. In that sentence you cover transatlantic cables seabeds (a homonym?) and a second homonym I assume with muscles? homosexuals and straight guys, communication in other countries, trolling, information sharing, engulfing and expanding ones communicative reach. While some might like reading tons of lines absolutely jam packed with so many ticks of the trade, for me at least, in sentences this long I find myself trying to understand exactly what you are talking about while reading it, I have to go over a couple words a second or third time to be sure what was meant, and it feels like I'm super saturated in ideas and I'm not sure pricisely what it is you want to convey, or whats the main subject of the sentence and what point are you trying to get across. I don't think you have to make big changes to your article, but I would suggest at the very least having a very clear object and subject per sentence, and the other ideas being clearly side ideas, insignifigant detail. For example: h Lines were laid across the cussioned and bouncy seabeds from land to hardy land expanding the potential audience for every homo to practice their seasoned attention whoring. Both faggles and skirt chasers could talk to their counterparts in other countries opening up a giant can of worms that only men, both straight and bent you ever be opened, with a screwdriver to get it open and a rubber stopper to plug it up. That might not be the best way to write it, but in anycase, in each sentence I'm conveying a clear idea and one cannot confuse the main subject with the minor ones and I'm still able to keep the witty and evocative tone, that you are so much better at. In anycase, just as I have to go over my articles and simply cut away entire sections and lots of material, I always see in your articles that some sentences could use just a few less adjectives, or for some sentences being split into two. Your best articles in my opinion are the ones where you have found that balance, thats always hard to make and involves some difficult cuts. The last sentence with Grahm Bell being a silly baby might be pushing the fagginess in the article a little far (in my humble opinion).
Points for whatever reason:	10/10	A solid 10 points for not only being one of the power engines behind happy monkey skype, but also clearly putting everything you got into this article, both creatively, for originality and your deep cleverness.
Final Score:	44/50	So as you see, you've got my highest mark. Consider that I judged these articles more so by the amount of cleverness, creativity and originality and also the amount of soul each competitor put into the article. The highest score doesn't even necesarily represent the article I liked the most (though the top three articles are the top three articles I liked the most) however you clearly deserve high marks as you can see with the other judges agreeing. Thanks for participating, making me laugh and putting so much into the competition Ali. Big monkey hugs.
Comments:

Score and Comments from Wilytank

9/10

Homo-phones. Heh, I get it. The idea was executed exceptionally well, and I find the articles linked to random things strangely amusing. One of the best ones I've seen yet out of this competition. --Wilytank can be a pain in the ass. 01:10, February 18, 2012 (UTC)

Score and Comments from PopGoesTheWeasel

9/10

Score and Comments from Mattsnow

8.5/10

.5 points penalty for smoking crack! LOL, this was great! Mattsnow 17:53, February 14, 2012 (UTC)

Score and Comments from Joe9320

8.8/10

Score and Comments from Chief

8/10

It's well up to your usual standard Aleister, my enduring feeling on finishing it is that it's well constructed but a lot of it feels superfluous and just gets in the way of a lot of the jokes. Just a personal preference, I hope it doesn't cause you to shoot me or those I love. It did make me chuckle in places though and that's the important thing. --ChiefjusticeDS 23:53, February 16, 2012 (UTC)

Final Score

87.3/100