Alien abduction insurance

It's me Gil. How's that pixie infestation insurance I sold you going?

Alien abduction insurance is a specialised form of insurance similar to life insurance. When someone covered by the insurance is abducted their family members are eligible to receive compensation. Normal, intelligent people are able to tell that this is a fraud intended to rob people of their money.

The problem

Hello there sir. How have you been. I trust that the rabid koala attack insurance policy you bought last time is working well?

I'm here talkin' to you again today on behalf of my employer, QXE Insurance. Perhaps you be worryin' about your future, or your family's future. Oh I know you are. We be living in a very dangerous time. Terrorism, economic depression, alien abductions, all sorts of bad things be going down. But don't worry. There's something that you can do about it. A way you can fight back. You can take out insurance. Specifically - alien abduction insurance.

At the moment you're running around like a headless chook, trying to juggle your debts, your children, your porn addiction. Who knows where the next deadly terrorist attack could strike. But the scariest of all is the possibility of alien abduction. Now some big city folk will try and tell you that 'there are no such things as aliens'. They'll spout out fancy soundin' words like 'urban legend' and 'malapropriation'. I ain't like them. No siree. You know ol' Gillie. I've never done you wrong before. Remember that pink polka dot infection insurance I sold you before. Has that ever let you down? No. Nor has the airplane insurance on your bicycle.

I can tell you for certain sir, aliens exist. They are coming for us. For you. For your children. Who knows what fiendish deeds they may inflict upon yourself and those you hold dear. Can you really afford to be unprepared for such an eventuality?

The solution

Now who wouldn't wanna trust a company with a logo this cool.

Now I know what you're thinkin'. Oh some lawyer come from some big firm to try and trick me into handin' my hard earned cash, but you know what? That ain't what I'm here to do at all. I'm here for your sake. I'm here to offer you the best damn protection against aliens that you can get. Now you know me. You know that the

Say one day your just drivin' your pickup down to the gas station. The sun is shining, birds a singin'. You ain't got a care in the world. Then outta nowhere - BAM! You're teleported up into some flyin' saucer and they're takin' you off to the far side o' Jupiter before you can even say Jee Willykers. Now think about your poor family for a second. How they gonna cope without you there to put bread onna table. They ain't goin' be doing so well. You think the government'll help you? Man the government is in on it man. They gonna pretend you aint even gone. No wait, they gonna you just gone on holiday, and you gonna be back sometime next month. Now there's your poor wife and little kids sittin' at home wonderin' when daddy's gonna be back from his holiday. Only you ain't gonna come back.

That's where we come in. If you be abducted by some aliens then we gonna give your family a whole lotta cash. We be makin' sure that they ain't got no lack o' stuff for what they wantin'. I and do say, if it be possible, we even gonna try and get you home. We gonna li-ase with them aliens, try and see if we can't come to some sorta understandin'. If all else fails, we even willing to make a clone of-

Uh...I mean uh...

As I was sayin'. The fancypants government types don't care about you. They don't care about real Americans. They only care about themselves. So it's up to you to take care o' your own safety. And if you think you can afford not to, then I think you should ask yourself - what will you do if the aliens prove that you are wrong?

The contract

The insurance policy contract as it appears in full.

Now that I got your interest I'd like to direct you to this here contract. I'll just point out the...important part. All you be needing to do is sign your name on the dotted line here and you and your entire family will be insured against any damn aliens or what have you.

I, the undersigned, do hereby agree to enter unto agreement with QXE Insurance, in pursuance of all necessary laws and codes, and in accordance with Statutory Declaration 4.13 paragraph B. I agree that by sigining this contract I am subject to all outlined terms and conditions, and waive any legal claim to litigation or legal proceedings against QXE Insurance.

<insert name here>
___________________
Signatory


Gil F. Matthews
______________________

Witness

Well thank you there partner. It has been a most pleasurable experience doin' business with ya. Now if you got questions or things of that nature, I done left the number of our customer service department on the back of my business card there. You just give 'em a call and they be sorting you out right straight as rain. Best of luck to you sir.

Remember, look to the sky.

Oh yeah, and you may want to take a look at a couple of the terms and conditions of the contract that you just signed as well.

(The insurance salesman darts out the door with his copy of the contract, into his car, and drives away at high speed).

Terms and conditions

This being a small selection of the terms and conditions under which the signatory of the contract has agreed to be bound by. Text size has been increased several sizes.

• The policy only covers missing persons who have been abducted by aliens. Abductees are required to report their abducted status for family members to receive compensation.
• The policy is in effect from the moment of signing until death.
• Withdrawal from the policy is forbidden. If payments are unable to be made then QXE Insurance reserves the right to repossess the signatory's property.
• Alien abduction insurance is only valid on Earth.
• By signing this contract the signatory has agreed that they did not sign this contract under duress.

Back at the office

Boss: Just got back from ripping off another sucker, eh Gil?

Gil: Oh yeah, it was that idiot <insert name here> again.

Boss: What do you think you'll try to sell them next time?

Gil: Nah, I'm giving up on the insurance fraud business. I can't help but feel a little bit guilty each time I part some poor fool from their money.

Boss: What are you- oh ahahahaha. Nice try. (The boss ribs Gil).

Gil: Ahahahaha. Nearly got you there didn't I? Bhahahaha.

Boss: Ahahaha. (The boss raises a wine glass). To greed.

Gil: Cheers. To...umm... (looks over boss' shoulder) Oh god no!! (ducks)

Boss: What are you AAAGH (vaporized by UFO)

See Also

• Alien
• Insurance
• Fraud
• Heaven's Gate