User:RealLifeCartman/Gordon Ramsay
Americans may not understand humour, only humor. Canadians and Australians may not understand anything at all. Don't change a thing to remedy this.
“Don't go near this guy, he'll blow like a faucet in summertime.”
“I don't know who the fuck you are but get the fuck out of my article!”
Since you idiots can't write your name on the fucking dotted line, I'm writing this article myself. My name is Gordon Fucking Ramsay and I was born on November 8th, 1966 and I'm a famous chef known for my television programs across the world. I'm not a warlord, I'm not a grue fucking eater, I'm a fucking chef alright! My restaurants were rated 5 stars for christs sake! Now don't go adding stuff like "Chuck Norris kicked my ass" or "I yell my ass off". Cause this is not true! You are being imature and childish.
Biography[edit | edit source]
Early years[edit | edit source]
My father was... a fucking failure, he chose to believe in all his job opportunities but never managed to get one job right and my mother was a trained nurse. If she was a trained nurse, WOULD SHE BE ABLE TO FIX MY FATHER'S HEAD!?!? Anyways, My life with the family was "fucking itinerant" as my family moved around and spent money all because my father's a failure. Yes, he's a fucking failure cause he can't do ANYTHING right. Well in 1976 "we" settles upon some British village I can't recall. In Interviews, I purposely declined that my father was an alcoholic; however, in my autobiography "Everybody cares about this pie", I describe my life with my father as a fucking nightmare with a god damn obvious alcoholic. I mean how obvious is it to detect that my father is an alcoholic. You can smell it in his fucking breath. At age 16, I finally moved away to a better place. Somewhere without my parents.
Football (Soccer for American Idiots)[edit | edit source]
I was chosen to play football at Age 11. My football career was unfairly marked by a number of injuries that was purposely done to me. Thanks a lot jerks! You ruined my career! Let me tell you about a experience I had at the summer of 1984. I WAS actively being scouted by the Rangers when someone tripped me and made me injure my knee; seriously might I add. What's worse is that I was training for football. I had no choice to train on that injured leg, It felt like the devil was mocking me from above. Well how do you like this devil. FUCK YOU! I never recovered from the injury and the Rangers blew me off. It's stupid. I have a fucking injured leg, the least they could let me do is play on their team. But you know what, FUCK THE RANGERS, FUCK YOU. The only thing I could do was take up cooking, since it was the only thing I could fucking do!
Education[edit | edit source]
Since the Navy didn't want me due to me "allegedly" being a pipsqueak, I had to enroll in a local college sponsored by McDonald's. You know, the place where they make burgers out of shit? Anyways, entering that college was the worst decision I have ever made, not because of the career I wanted but because of the shit food I had to eat. I had eaten 17 big macs and I wanted no more of them. One time I ended up throwing up for 3 days straight! All the other students mockingly called me "Ronald McDonald", because I was covered in puke mind you.
After my football career ended abruptly due to... you know "GUYS THINKING THAT THEY ARE GOOD WHEN IN REALITY THEY AREN'T!", I paid lots of attention to my culinary education by working as a chef for restaurants here and there. I moved to London where I instantly got work at Harvey's as a lap dog.
After two months, I couldn't take any more of this shit and I want to the head chef and I told him STOP FUCKING AROUND! and he told me FUCK YOU! so I did what I normally do, I punched him in the face, kicked him in the balls than inserted stale French bread into his ass and than I spat in his face. It was such a nasty incident, it was covered in the news and I had to do 5 years of community service, 5 YEARS OF HELPING NEEDY BASTARDS! I swear it was a nightmare, every time I yelled at them, they just tazed me and beat me to the ground.
After those 5 years were up, I left to study French cuisine and since I didn't have enough money to fly to Paris. I had to work for someone I didn't know at some French restaurant I forgot because of pills I take. Anyways after being treated nicely around here, the owner invited me to his ski-resort and I thought "FINALLY!", So I took the next plane to Paris and I worked at the ski resort for 3 years before I caved in to pressure. WHAT I GUY CAN'T TAKE PRESSURE, CAN'T A GUY CAVE INTO PRESSURE? WELL I WAS CRUSHED THAT I WASN'T STRONG ENOUGH TO STAY AT THAT FUCKING SKI RESORT!
Now after I got my courage back, I own and manage a lot a restaurants around the world. I'm a head chef, case fucking closed. Nothing more to add you UnFuckingIdiots.
Television[edit | edit source]
As if you thought that it was the end. YOU'RE FUCKING WRONG! I host and create television shows that show how FUCKING SERIOUS I AM.
In 2005, I created Hell's Kitchen with Rupert Murdoch. The way I think it happened was this, Fox execs were looking for another reality to show to milk when I came in the office, walked up to Rupert Murdoch, threw my feces at him and kicked him in the genitals. Unlike what happened before, Rupert was impressed by my attitude and fucking agreed to create that show, I swear Rupert Murdoch is a fucking weakling. FUCKING WEAK!!! The show is basically about me telling chefs that they suck so much ass. I mean they suck! I tasted better foods at McDonald's and you know what the food created... Hmmm, It created this F on my fucking tongue which stands for "FUCKING FAILURE" cause your food is crap. I don't care if your food is good, I AM GORDON RAMSAY AND MY WORD IS FINAL!
Same thing with Kitchen Nightmares, I go to struggling restaurants, examine them and tell them that their restaurants suck. You may think that all I do is yell... However, I help them rebuild the restaurant and make it look nicer. So what if I yell at them? They knew what they were getting into when they signed up for Kitchen Nightmares; it's not like they didn't know about me beforehand. THEY CLEARLY KNEW WHO THE FUCK I WAS!
Because of the success of Hell's Kitchen and Kitchen Nightmares, I was given a lot of shows. MasterChef, 24 Hours to Hell and Back (DON'T YOU DARE TELL ME THEY'RE DERIVATIVE) and one of the worst shows I have ever had the pleasure of doing. MasterChef Jr. Don't get me wrong, those kids are talented... It's just I CAN'T YELL AT THE CHILDREN. The H&R guy told me that if I yell at the children for any reason, they would dock me of my pay and shock the living hell out of me. I HATED looking like a coward in front of H&R but knowing my comfortable living position, I had to comply. I swear I want to kick the H&R guy in the balls and yell expletives at him.
Difference between the American and British versions[edit | edit source]
Oh yeah, the only difference is that I'm nicer on the British version of my shows than I am on the American version of the shows. Now before you say that I'm yelling just for the sake of ratings, I'm here to tell you that I WISH I COULD YELL IN THE UK! I swear it's hard being nice. Oh I have to restrain myself from telling these people that their food sucks because the UK government forbids me from doing that. I don't care if I get banished from the country anymore, I'm going to swear like a sailor and yell like a motherfucker because I am Gordon Fucking Ramsay.
Cooking Style[edit | edit source]
My cooking style is unique in that I don't use measuring utensils of ANY kind. Those things are the devil with their numbers and their shapes, whenever I read a recipe book and it asks me to put in a 3/4 cup of milk I tell myself... I DON'T NEED TO USE A MEASURING UTENSIL. To use a measuring utensil is like riding a bike with your training wheels on, it's for babies and idiots. I just pour whatever I think is the right amount and then I let God take it from there.
I get the occasional complaint that I put too much in or I put too little in and whenever they tell the waiter to send it back to the kitchen, I come out and tell them. "Do you know who the fuck I am? I am british chef Gordon Ramsay with 5 television shows on the air. 5! How many TV shows do you have? Oh wait, you have none because you're just a peasant in my restaurant! NOW SHUT UP AND EAT MY DELICIOUS FOOD!". Which brings me to my next section.
The guy who hated my Pad Thai[edit | edit source]
How dare he hate my Pad Thai. I worked so hard to make it... SO HARD! and he called it trash. The fucker also had a lot of words to say about how it was "not sweet enough" and how it didn't have that "flavor" and "authenticity". How am I supposed to deal with this, I'm a WORLD CLASS CHEF crying out loud! I studied Thai culture, I even been to Thailand just so I can make a Pad Thai dish that this one guy would like and he tells me it's trash? You know what I did... I yelled to his face "HOW DARE YOU CRITIQUE MY PAD THAI, I'LL TAKE YOU TO THE TRASH CAN!".
And about that video where I'm stuttering like a wimp and crying like a baby, that was computer generated bullshit okay! I AM NOT A CRYBABY, I DO NOT PISS MYSELF IN A NAPPY! and don't you dare imagine that, I know how your Uncycloidiots brains work. You people think that just because I'm some bigshot chef, you can make fun of me. You think it's okay to send me a message that says [[Nobody cares]] and then sternly tell me that I'm such a crybaby? DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? Well let me tell you what...
FUCK YOU UNCYCLOPEDIA![edit | edit source]
Yeah, that's right. FUCK YOU. You with your stupid usernames, your so-called admin skills and your so called humor. You fail to know the fact that the British word for humor is humour. See you fail to comprehend basic grammar and you are idiots for featuring such crap I mean "go eat shit fuckers". I'd rather throw my shit into your mouths and let you eat my shit just as a way of saying YOU FUCKING SUCK. You know what, I could do your job way better then anyone in here. I can manage this site way better then you, you know why? Cause I'm GORDON FUCKING RAMSEY. I made restaurants, I have my own TV shows, I even have my own FUCKING CORPORATION. Something you idiots will never have. Are you fucking wussing out? MAKE ME A GOD DAMN ADMIN SO I CAN SHOVE SHIT DOWN YOUR MOUTHS. I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR CRAP! I AM ALWAYS RIGHT, I AM BETTER THAN YOU. FUCK YOU UNCYCLOPEDIA, FUCK YOU!
Note from the Admins: While Gordon Ramsay may be banned from editing Uncyclopedia, we have left this article up because we thought a grown man crying like a baby is funny.