User:Rangerdanger/Starbucks
“Didn't I see that chap on Ugly Betty once? He's let himself go, hasn't he.”
“There's one! There's another! And Another! And another! And another!”
“They kind of, you know, embody this great character; this great achievement. If I had to say that they represent one thing it would be the underdog, his desire to succeed, his discipline at playing a great character really believably. My stores are hope.”
“We will change the world, you and I.”
“I'm sure I put him in it.”
Starbucks' Coffee Corporation for the Promotion of the Image of Starbuck, Inc., or simply Starbucks or Starbucks Coffee, is a unique international corporation started in 1990 by the award-winning actor Dirk Benedict. At the time of the company's inception, Benedict was most famous for his role as the protagonist Cheetah 'Wildcat' Maroon in the acclaimed Rocky-esque, 1970s trilogy Cheetah, for which he won three Best Actor Oscars. Over the previous decade, Benedict had increasingly felt that his more recent work, such as his portrayal of Face in The A-Team and, in particular, of fighter pilot Kara 'Starbuck' Thrace in the television hit Battlestar Galactica, were not recieving the critical and popular acclaim that he believed was due. As a result of this, an acute psycological episode ensued, ultimately leading him into a non-executive directorship at News Corporation, where he honed his business acumen to incredible levels. However, his tenure was marred by Rupert Murdoch's persistent criticism of Battlestar Galactica, allegedly calling it everything from 'a bit naff' to 'a load of old kangaroo crap' and sometimes going as far as proclaiming Starbuck as a 'nancy sheila with no balls' in order to deride Benedict's unwanted input in board meetings. This treatment eventually pushed Benedict further over the edge when he was presented with a Fuck Starbuck, you work for me now birthday cake by Murdoch's son, Ruperty. Enraged at the insult, the man-previously-known-as-Starbuck decided that he would teach the world a lesson - Starbuck-style! On leaving The Lord of Darkness' Evil Empire, Benedict legally added Starbuck as his middle name, re-registered all his property, accounts and policies to that name and started a small coffee stall on the upper east side of Manhattan, right next to the Royal Battlestar Galactica Museum. It would be nice to be able to say that his aims were benign; humanitarian even. They were not.
What happened next to Dirk 'Starbuck' Benedict's little coffee stall?[edit | edit source]
Benedict considered the role of Starbuck to be his greatest work; his equivalent to Van Gogh's Sunflowers, or Phil Collins' score for Tarzan (or whichever rubbish Disney film it was). He was obsessed by the lack of recognition that his portayal of the character had recieved, particularly when juxtaposed to the seventeen Emmys awarded to Richard Hatch for his role as Starbuck's cross-gender sidekick, Lee 'Apollo' Adama. Turning his back on acting after his aforementioned breakdown, he decided that he would turn his beloved Starbuck into an icon; a world-renowned brand. After considering putting his face on T-shirts with the slogan You've been Starbucked emblazoned on them, he went into the coffee business after hearing that most t-shirts are made from cotton, rather than the only fabric Benedict would dare touch, silk.
Given Dirk's psychological state, it goes without saying that his plans were not small. Upon the one-hour anniversary of going into business, he used a concoction of his vast bank balance and his recently-acquired economic know-how to open a second store, this time in Dover, Delaware. Since then, Benedict has been able to maintain a steady profit rate that allows him to open at least one store every hour, sometimes rising to as many as twenty-nine. Since 21st April 1990, 3 weeks after the first store opened, the USA, Canada and Mexico had all been colonised by the Starbucks brand. Europe was attacked the following week in a fatal raid that left 17,000 people dead or heavily-wounded in London and Paris.
Milan Massacre[edit | edit source]
Milan: Italy's Coffee Powerhouse. The coffee equivalent of Arnold Schwarzenegger. Do you think they took the invasion lightly?!
Like hell they did.
Silvio Berlusconi, Supreme Ruler of the Legionaire di Italia e le irlandes proximano, assembled the largest naval fleet since the Falklands War to counter the encroaching Starbucks ships, which CEO Benedict had placed under the command of trusted-colleague-turned-bedfellow Mr T. Now promoted to the rank of Captain, T turned back the boats for fear of a 'Boston Tea Party: The Sequel' scenario and courageously succumbed to his greatest fear: He got on that plane and launched a devastating aerial assault, bringing about Benedict's greatest coup yet. Now there are 130,934 Starbucks in Italy and they hope to have made that 131,000 by this time tomorrow.
After victory in the Italian market was capitulated, The Economist and The National Enquirer have hailed Benedict's business skills as 'a testiment to modern capitalism'. Stemming from this event, his European stores are now stocking an array of giftware and, in Germany, lederhosen.
In-Store Promotions[edit | edit source]
Caffeine Meal - Consisting of a Mug of coffee, an energy bar, a can of coke and a sugar stick, this promotion comes with a FREE Limited Edition action-figure of Starbuck in his Battlestar Galactica days.
Super Duper Tour Deal, or what the press have come to call the Con-job where you have a 1 in 20,000,000 chance of seeing grossly over-priced coffee being produced: Wow, that must be fun, sees Dirk copying Willy Wonka by giving out 5 golden tickets (featuring his signed Starbuck face) in special coffee cups that entitle the holder to a special tour of his HQ. Which is nice.
See also[edit | edit source]
- Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet'N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ice
- Mr T
- Navy
- Teddy Sheringham
- Suburbia