User:Puppy/Zangief

Ze Red CYCLONE!!!

“In a Soviet Russia arcade, I play as nobody!”

~ Zangief on Being the slow guy with the impossible moves

Zangief is by far the best Russian wrestler to ever be named Miss Teen USA. By the age of 5 he had won his first baby eating contest. He would go on to win 87 more with an average of about 4 babies/per minute. With his Cajun sidekick, Colonel Sanders, no one could stop his mighty onslaught against Antarctica. He became famous for quoting: "ALL PENGUINS MUST DIE!!!" In his spare time he enjoys drinking vodka by the quart and punting prime ministers. However, Zangief is not unique among Russians, as everyone in the country looks and acts exactly him unless they are a bear on a unicycle.

History (Simple English: Facts and Stuff)

Aside from that recent excerpt from a raving lunatic's biography on Zangief, little has gone on record about him. (Zangief, not the lunatic.) From the ages of 4 to 27, he worked on the turnip farms in his native Siberia. Sensing a deep seated angst over his wasted muscle, he joined the underground Street Fighter syndicate, whose exploits would be emulated in a video game by Capcom. Much more famously, however, he had a brief (50 year) stint as Soviet Premier.

His administration was considered brief in terms of the Soviets, because most 'democratically elected' Premiers would retain the title under their own power for a good 80 years, usually coming to power at the age of 3 (when they could first say, "Revolution!") Not only that, but their policies left you with such a beating, you would be certain to remember them years after their death, while another Premier was quietly consolidating his power.

Note: His, not 'his or her', we try to be P.C., but a woman Soviet Premier? Ha ha hah hah ha!

Speaking of sliced oranges, Zangief's career as Premier was quite fruitful.

Accomplishments

Zangief played a critical role in the Russo-Japanese war, which occurred when negotiations between him and Japanese Emperor Ryu went awry. Zangief helped the Russian forces win crucial battles, as Japanese forces were using weapons designed by Tetsuya Nomura, which, while good in theory, were unwieldy and inconvenient, with some swords weighing over 100 lbs. He suggested the possibility of simply pushing the Japanese soldiers over, rendering them unable to reerect themselves. This played right into the Japanese belief that it would be dishonorable, perhaps even worse than death, to release their swords, even for a second. Don't try to understand it, Samurai culture.

He also kept amicable relations with the Chinese by establishing a 'Sphere of Influnce' at Chinese ports, where only Russian 'Traders' were allowed. And by 'trading' we mean that the Chinese would trade goods with foreigners for blows to the head. The Russians were more well liked, however, because they had the good taste not to use blunt objects when hitting them.

After His Administration

Post-Zangief, Mikhail Gorbachev celebrated his administration with the Soviets' highest honor, dancing. Following is a looping excerpt from the award ceremony:

Today, Zangief also teaches traditional Russian dance to all former-KGB members at discount rates. His status with the Street Fighter syndicate is still unknown.

The Videogame Character

In Sega's Street Fighter Zangief was badly represented by a slow and dumb character - maybe doped - with moves that were impossible to be done on a Genesis joystick. Some say this was an american-japanese strategy to undermine the Soviet Union morale, since there was a Cold War going on.

Fun Facts

• Mr. T once tried to sue Zangief for copying his hair style. The courts decided it would be best for the two to fight it out rather than risk having the loser blame the judge and eat everyone in the court room. The fight ended in a tie when Zangief's spinning clothes line and Mr. T's pitying powers collided, bringing down all buildings within a 5km radius. The two are now good friends and go drinking together every Thursday.

• Zangief was casted for the role of Superman in the movie Forrest Gump until the character was written out of the script and replaced by Lt. Dan.

• Very useful fact: Zangief has learned his clothesline move from mayor Mike Haggar of Metro City.

• Zangief also wanted to be in Delta Force but was kicked off for explict content

• It is believed that Zangief is good friends with current Russian President, Vladimir Putin. Putin, a Master Judo champion, has been said to take lessons from Zangief in an underground fighting arena in the United States, see the movie "Fight Club" for a cameo appearance of both master and student.