User:Orion Blastar/crackedcom
Cracked.com was once funny. Very funny back in 1953 and up until the Dotcom era when Uncyclopedia put them out of business in 2005. Cracked was a black and white web site created in 1953 by Sylvester P. Smythe using a time machine made out of his janitorial supply closet. His arch enemy was Oscar Wilde at the time and Cracked Magazine battled with Uncyclopedia, Mad Magazine, and stuff funnier than Cracked like Crazy, What The, and even Reader's Digest.
Around 2005 Cracked.com had an IPO and had 60 billion shares valued for a total of 2 cents and facing a bankruptcy Sylvester P. Smythe sold the company to David Wong aka Jason Pargin a failed comedy writer that could not even sell his open sourced eBooks to any publisher happened to offer Sylvester P. Smythe $100 for the whole 60 billion shares of stuck netting a $99.98 profit to Mr. Smythe.
Mr. Pargin er ah Mr. Wong (after the plastic surgery and several genital changes but the same boring personality and unfunny jokes) bought cracked.com and stole some jokes from Uncyclopedia back when funny lists where allowed. Uncyclopedia moved on to remove lists and evolved to funnier things. this is the funnest thing they ever wrote in their forums, and that's the truth(TM)!
Mr. Wong[edit | edit source]
While not his real name, Mr. Pargin tried several different pen names and identities he stole from others, the one that worked best was Mr. David Wong. We at Uncyclopedia think that Mr. David Wang would be funnier to a guy who claims to write "dick jokes" but Wong is just as funny he claims. Still not being an oriental and just some big fat unfunny white guy, Mr. Wong was able to publish some book named "John Dies at the End" after several years of being free on BitTorrent web sites with 0 seeds and 13 leechers total, he used his fame at stealing Uncyclopedia jokes to get the money to publish his book and then paid his fans money to buy it. Making it a New York Times best seller than even he had hoped for it to be.
'Dick Jokes'[edit | edit source]
It is wildly known that Mr. Wong hates cocks, some people tried to say or imply that Mr. Wong likes cocks but Mr. Wong clarified that he hates cocks and loves dicks instead. In fact he is a purveyor of "dick jokes" and beyond unfunny top ten lists stolen from Uncyclopedia and other sources like David Letterman. Mr. Wang insists that the cracked.com community forums write a lot of "dick jokes". Anyone who refuses to write unfunny dick jokes and/or refuses to cater to Mr. Wong's whims are banned and it states they are banned for "Being a cocksucker for the sake of being a cocksucker".
We don't understand what that means, except that Mr. Wong hates cocksuckers but loves dick jokes. Mr. Wong claims he loves all kinds of dicks and dick jokes. Mr. Wong loves Dicks, like Dick Chaney, Dick Van Dyke, Dick Nixon, Dick Tracy, Dick Jones, and even Dick Smith. He loves big dicks, small dicks, long dicks, short dicks, dicks of all races and styles. We at Uncyclopedia do not harbor any ill-will towards persons of any sexual orientation and do not know why Mr. Wong acts this way. We find that Mr. Wong and many of his fanbois haven't even progressed psychologically beyond the anal stage yet, but still "dick jokes" are what drive the cracked.com web site and are scarier than the shadow demons in the "John Dies at the End" book.
We don't know what that means, but it is what the fanbois claim as they spam every forum, web site and Wiki site with it. If not then they create unfunny conservative christian blogs to spam Google with cracked.com lists violating Poe's Law. We don't know why they would do such a thing. Conservapedia already does a good job of that, no need to compete with them.
Classic Cracked[edit | edit source]
The Sylvester P. Smythe years published a series of Cracked Magazines, before David Wong took over. Here is an example of one using 'clean' humor and not 'dick jokes'. In modern times these jokes lost the humor and were archived to make room for the modern 'dick jokes'. Of course today anything goes with the Internet, so maybe Classic Cracked will be back one day and the newer one will fade away and become a distant memory when David Wong files for bankruptcy when the market for 'dick jokes' collages and the lutz and drama give way to stuff that is supposed to be funny.
The magazine was attempted to relaunch in 2005, but Mad Magazine and others were still funnier. In 2007 it was a complete and total takeover as Mr. Wong downsized a lot of people and remade the humor web site into a 'dick jokes' version. Citing his total waste of time forum and business plan. Despite being a total waste of time, cracked.com then became as addictive as crack and then banned by George W. Bush and Congress but legal in California as medical cracked.com for those who suffer from the pain of the total waste of time syndrome.
NeoCracked dupe horde legion of gay Nazi crackhead zombies[edit | edit source]
We have no good way to explain this. Despite David Wong being openly gay, he also claims to be a Nazi and leader of the zombie dupe horde of zombies. Not the plants vs. zombies type, be we don't really know. At least Marvel zombies had a reason and purpose, but crack Nazis, we have no idea?