User:Mrasdfghjkl/John Howard
“Wanker”
“I f**ked that ass”
“We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender to the Kyoto Protocol!!”
“In Soviet Russia, John Howard gets pissed off by you!”
John "Fat Brows" Howard (born 06/06 666 6:66pm) is a dwarf-like dickhead who has become the undroppable overlord of man - he is very unlucky and believed to be Yoda's pink counterpart) is an American politician but, for some reason, is Australia's 25th and current Prime Minister.
Prior to his successful career in politics, John held many previous occupations, one of which includes his first career path in 1960-1972 where he was the owner/operator of "Jim's Bathing" - a small dog hydrobath franchise within the Canberra politics precinct. In this role his main duties included licking off dry dog poo from their backsides.
In 2005 he was spanked by Gary Coleman. A statue of this event was placed in the Seal Club HQ parking lot.
It is a little known fact that John "Bonsai" Howard himself is not truly an Australian (bonsai being chinese? for little bush). Before his stint (as a human) in politics, Australia's political soccer team was in trouble. They decided to jump on the bandwagon and hire a Dutch coach to assist them. Unable to lure any Deutchlanders to the dry country, they decided to hire a truly respectable human being. After giving up on this they heard of Johnny Howard (intergalactic soccer coach from lightyears 55000 to 86000, honoured with 34 tri-fontwardsian star cups, and once digested by untuckle, queen of a hoost planet). They lured young Johnson with the promise of Prime Minister minus respect, and the offer was accepted. The soccer team went on to win, as Howard bullshitted his way to cup victory, cheating bookmakers everywhere. It was in those glorious days that he was famously quoted as saying to the local press "Aboriginals have been illegal immigrants for over 40,000 years", and whilst his recent wording has changed, he has stayed true to his values.
For over twelve years Howard provided his services to many highly ranked parliamentary pooches before making his big break into housekeeping at Parliament House in 1973. John soon impressed his parliamentary bosses with his amazing skill of sweeping marble floors with just his eyebrows alone. The money saved on cleaning equipment would soon send the maintenance budget for Parliament House into a $4 surplus for 1973. By the end of 2005 the Howard cleaning method sent the national budget into a surplus of $4 billion.
The next 4 or so years of John's history were a bit hazy until he re-surfaced as Treasurer of Australia in 1977. Howard's career in politics begins.
The Legend of Browman Begins[edit | edit source]
Following Fraser's resignation, Howard contested the Liberal leadership, but was defeated by Andrew Pea-Cock. Howard threw a tantrum after his defeat, wet his pants and was sent to the naughty corner (also known as the backbench) for a duration of one eighteenth from his total age. While Andrew Pea-Cock would eventually sleep with Shirley MacLaine, it was John Howard who sent her to sleep in a notoriously dull foreign policy speech in 1978.
Howard would soon have another chance at the leadership in 1995 in which he was successful - he pulled out a party hooter and performed the entire musical score from "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" on the lawns in front of parliament house where previous opposition leader Kim Beazley acted as Frank-N-Furter (not the character played by Tim Curry but as an oversized Cheerio, much to his delight). Kevin Rudd was unable to find a suitable character to play from Rocky Horror, so instead used his appearance as an advantage and performed as middle aged Pinocchio, This amused the backbenchers or "part timers" close by. Howard played the part of Janet, having both the breasts and the voice for the part.
John Howard is unlovely and unsexy no one likes him at all!
Power and some passion[edit | edit source]
The next major task for John "that Yoda look a like" Howard was to thwart the ALP from achieving government in the 1996 election. Howard promised to reduce the price of beer as part of his election promises. Needless to say it was a landslide victory. Despite the success of the campa ign there were some problems for John along the way.
In the lead up to the 1996 election, Pauline Hanson, the Liberal candidate for Oxley in Queensland was disendorsed because of some comments made to a Queensland newspaper. Hanson then started her own political party to rival the Howard government called... One Station??... In-flation?... well the name of the party isn't important - the most critical point was that she was a furious redhead with access to a deep-fryer.
Pauline made a challenge to Howard prior the opening of the election - "Watch out Mr. Howard, you better have your chicko roll ready because I'm not going to be anyone's fish finger".
Despite the fierce competitiveness between John Howard and Pauline Hanson, there was a secret love affair which occurred behind the backs of the Australian media and public. Howard and Hanson arranged a confidential couples holiday on Christmas Island in 2003 (pictured right). The party soon ended with a surprise arrival of boat people who landed on the island two days into their holiday to Pauline screaming at them "please explain".
Pauline realised that their relationship was destined to fail and broke off with Howard soon after the Christmas Island fiasco - "John, as much as it saddens me to say, I've come to the conclusion that I've over-battered my fillet o' fish and the only way to get my hands clean is to shake and bake and put the frypan to rest".
Hanson would later make a career separated from Howard as a kamikaze dancer.
Howard's other famous affair was with U.S president George W. Bush... let's not go there (it seems Howard and Bush where conjoined twins and where separated at birth). It has to be pretty serious for them to wear matching PJs at a public event (reminiscent of Bert & Ernie from Sesame Street):
In recent events Howard has spoken out against an alleged sexual assault incident on TV's Big Brother program protesting to have the program taken off air. Howard said: "Incidents such as turkey spanking have no place on television, It should only remain in private as it does every friday night at my place."
In even more recent events, while power walking along the Yarra River, a lad from a local private school rowing club accosted Howard with a screwdriver. When security guards asked the lad of his intentions he was reported to say that he had "Mistaken the Prime Minister for a rowlock".
In REALLY REALLY recent news accidentally called the Speaker of the Lower House of parliament, 'Mr. Spanker'. True; I saw it on the telly.
The Great Kyoto War[edit | edit source]
“Oh, for F**K sake, just sign the F**KING protocol, you stupid T**T!”
 | This page is a work in progress |
Recreation Activities[edit | edit source]
Between play dates with George Bush and time spent refusing to wax his eyebrows while Bush shakes his head ashamed Howard is involved in many other recreational activities. While on another pointless vacation in Pakistan he attempted to bowl a cricket ball on numerous occasions. This was captured on tape and is currently visible on YouTube[1] not to be confused with YourTube a store co-owned by Howard which sells and repairs male dildos and PVC piping. He was offered a fast bowler position in the England side for The Ashes test series but felt it wouldn't be fair to deprive the Australia team of his great talent. Howard also has another hobby of waking up early in the morning and walking around prominent sights such as the Sydney Harbour Bridge and The White House where he was the first man granted permission by US Congress of State to have a sleep over. Unfortunately for his wife, he tragically returns from his walks every morning.
Fashion Sense[edit | edit source]
John Howard has all ten [(webbed fingers he failed in having Parliament House renamed to Toad Hall)] and reportedly seven of his toes on the pulse when it comes to fashion. This is demonstrated nowhere better than in his choice of attire for bespectaclisation - Howard sets a standard of cool up with which the Australian people are always striving to keep (incidentally, the Australian people also unnecessarily try their best to avoid ending sentences with a preposition). His keen fashion sense coupled with his glamourous hairstyles leave the ladies swooning and the men grunting their appreciation of a man who is so debonair, macho and simply rootable, as can be seen at right.
Refugees[edit | edit source]
In 2001, following a series of unpleasant revelations involving the discovery that John Howard's Kiribilli show wife was in actual fact a shop window mannequin that had been modified by the Cylons into having fully "working" orifices and laser nipples, the Howard government found itself in deep trouble. Allegations of pork barrelling, snot ball rolling, and general corruption were rife and widely believed by Left Wingers, watchers of the ABC, dole bludgers, darkies, whingers, nose pickers, darkies, wogs,Unitarians and the pussy Greenies. The government was in danger of losing the next election. What could be done? Howard snatched a leaf from the pages of "Mein Kampf" (the bible of Liberal Party thought) and blamed the only people he could find who could not fight back.
By coincidence, at this exact same time a bunch of refugees were caught trying to invade Australia in a half-sinking overloaded wooden boat. One of them was New Zealand deputy prime minister Michael Cullen. They had brought their children with them, since babies usually come in handy during invasions. Dark days were upon the Prime Minister, but instead of immediately surrendering the entire country to the obviously superior force on our northern border (as was forcefully recommended by the Foreign Minister, Alexander Downer) Howard ordered the immediate destruction of the invading boat by the full force of any units of the Australian Navy that could actually find it. Sadly, before any heroism could eventuate the invasion boat started sinking on its own! The families of invaders started to abandon ship. Still reeling from the injestion of the Minister of Immigration's vaginal fluids the night before, Howard decided that that what was actually happening was an invasion of the country by dwarf frogmen, possibly with erections. In the later years of his career this idea would become a reccurrent theme.
However, there were apparently children in the boat, and images of children in the water in the paper were bad news during election time, since it is believed that they inflame the baser desires of the peasantry. Howard, petrified of losing the election since this would result in him being forced back into a state known as "living with the wife" and in the midst of a deepening emotional, spiritual and sexual awakening with the President of the United States George WTF Bush, announced that the children had been thrown in the water by their parents because we all know that refugees are terrorists and that terrorists hate kids. Although just about everyone with a working brain knew this was a lie, most Australian voters actually liked the idea of drowning children. Preferably their own, and preferably slowly. Howard's vast gamble worked. Having pulled off (literally) a victory to rival the Battle of Kursk or the siege of Masada and moreover, having pulled it off (literally) single handedly, Howard was feted by the vampire right wing of Australian politics and immediately re-installed as Prime Minister. His relationship with George WTF Bush deepened and (sources close to the Prime Minister's door report) finally became orgasmic. Howard's wife Alana Jones became pregnant and gave birth to Anthony Callea. Howard's other wife Janine, heartbroken, and by now firmly entrenched in Kiribilli House, spent her time carefully grooming the sex organs of selected members of the NRMA board and sinking shipping in the harbour.
Suspected links to the Galactic Empire[edit | edit source]
When John Howard was a strapping young Jedi, he was turned to the dark side by the evil Darth W. Bush, who told him he could save his wife Janette from dying in childbirth. Howard believed Lord Bush and became and evil Sith lord. He saved his wife Janette from dying just as his master promised. The Sith also has a good medical plan which included optical, the Jedi plan didn't include such a thing, and so thanks to the Sith John Howard got his glasses half price - however when he first saw his wife through them he was horrified at revelation that he had married a hippopotamus with a shock of red hair. When Master Kim Beazley found out what John Howard had done they held the Great Debate on a lava planet, hosted by Ray Martin.
Beef with The Master of Love[edit | edit source]
There is no actual factual evidence that these two individuals have even met. However, both of them insist that the other don't know shizz and that they themselves are the superior person.
It is said to have begun sometime in 2000, during The Master's much publicised Fatboy Tour of Australia. The Act, which involved the shredding of Mango's on stage, infuriated Johnno, who then ordered the show shut down. Howard, who is a known member of the IFASM (International Federation Against the Shredding of Mangoes), believed the act to be inhumane against the fruit.
Shortly after, The Master released a statement on his website (www.fatboypuddingman.com) which is as follows:
Mr. Howard, you are a Fat-eyebrowed Prick, and you love Animals you sick bastard. Can't a man shred Mangos in the privacy of his own packed live show? Evidently not in this so-called "Land of Opportunity" ROT IN HELL!
As of this statement, Mr. Howard has not responded. Many speculated this is because he is a pussy, a knob and a cunt all at the same time (knobpusscunt).
Achievements[edit | edit source]
- GST (Gay Sex Tax).
- Keeping Peter Costello out of PM position (Claimed by many to be Howard's greatest achievement).
- Banning guns so no one can overthrow him once all him policies are inplace. The worst crime of all.
- First Australian Prime Minister to appear in a sex video (indeed first leader worldwide, a title he shares with his co-stars, George W. Bush, Dick Cheney and Tony Blair).
- First Australian elected official to to fit 17 asian babies in his mouth at the same time.
- Also, well known for eating all non-black babies that fell overboard.
- Turning australian workers into 17th century irish peasants who are potato deficiant.
- Shiniest head in australian political history.
- Slimeyest cunt in the universe (as voted by you!).
- Outlawed the use of screwdrivers in Australia after the incident while having his morning jog.
- Banned Porn Industry from operating in Australia, but secretely orders the DVD's from overseas....He cant buy them since he also Banned any video or game thats over the eatting of M15+...despit if you ARE over that age, you cant buy it here...and its all thanks to this baldheaded loonytune.
- 2nd Shortest Man In Australia (First being Anthony Callea, Third being Rove McManus)
- Successfully misplaced over 2 billion dollars in tax payers dollars during his time as treasurer.
- Lost his own pants while wearing them.
- Orally pleasured George Bush 157 times. (Records continue; aspires to reach century before George Bush declares War on Drop Bears)
- Was anally used by George Bush 31 times. Is commonly reported as "having not enjoyed it" though sources close to the PM say that this may not be true.
- Farted during a debate and blamed it on the Opposition Leader.
- Has been married to radio talk show host and well known heterosexualist Alana Jones since 1975. They have nine children who they keep virginal for use as election sacrifices.
- Making the ex-labour leader cry in the 2004 elections
- Did 300 shows on "The Muppets"
- Achieved record highs in Petrol Prices and Interest Rates, although this has been attributed to Sexual Inadequacy
- Proves to be exactly what he said he was, running on the "Huge Eyebrows, Tiny Cock" platform.
- Has twice received a blood transfusion. Not because he needed it, but because it felt good.
- Is world widely known to be a handpuppet of evil mastermind George Bush. This explains why he does EVERYTHING Satans Master...sorry I mean Geroge Dubya Bush says.
- Bears a uncanny resembalance to Mr Garrison from South Park, Elmer Fudd from Loony Tunes, The Monopoly man from the Monopoly games, Mr Peanut, and Penfold the Timid shy SideKick of the BBC's DangerMouse Cartoon show.
- John Howards glasses set the Australian government back 3.2 billion dollars