User:Hyperbole/Anal sex

Artistic portrayal of anal sex. A servant stands by to fan away germ-ridden insects and provide antibacterial hand lotion if necessary.

“Oral sex makes my day. Anal sex makes my hole weak.”

~ Noel Coward

Anal sex is a form of sexual activity practiced by people who suffer from obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). It generally resembles normal sexual activity, in that tab A slides energetically in and out of slot B. However, that is where the similarties end. In contrast to normal sex, where tab A essentially flops all over the place, spraying various fluids everywhere while tab B becomes increasingly leaky and pungent, anal sex is premised on mutual consent to keep things as sanitary and orderly as possible.

The term "anal sex" is derived from the English words "anal", meaning "obsessive attention to detail", and "sex", meaning "amateur gynecology." Because anal sex deviates somewhat from the sexual norm, it is a controversial form of sexual activity. Practitioners of anal sex find cleanliness to be a turn-on, and sometimes spend several hours washing each other before any sexual congress takes place. A handful of the most hard-core practictions of anal sex have actually attempted to surgically modify their seminal vesicles to ejaculate Lysol rather than the more standard semen.

The role of obsessive-compulsiveness in sexual relations

Standard, "vanilla" sex is a rather unsanitary and sticky act. Those who engage in this form of sex tend to spend much of their day oozing, dripping, and/or leaking. Additionally, sex may take place in relatively unclean areas, such as on the beach, in the back of a cement truck, or in the third stall of the men's restroom in the lower concourse of Heathrow Airport at 4:30 p.m. next Tuesday.

In certain circumstances, couples might even attempt to engage in intercourse without undressing. This is usually done so that, if their boss were to walk into the break room, they could credibly claim that they were merely teaching each other some fancy wrestling moves. However, this leads to the decidedly unsanitary situation where everybody's clothes, and possibly a box of doughnuts, are soaked with sex-related emissions throughout the afternoon.

All of this, though common and extremely normal, causes problems for those who suffer from obsessive-compulsive disorder. Contact with the fluids of another, even a trusted lover, is nigh unthinkable and sends OCD sufferers into panic attacks and premature orgasms, which further exacerbate the problem. Early sexual attempts generally end with at least one partner crying in anxiety and shame.

Should that partner realize that they enjoy crying and shame, they generally turn to BDSM. However, the most common solution for anyone in this position with a modicum of self-respect is anal sex.

Characteristics of anal sex

Full-body condoms: The perfect aid to the really discriminating gentleman or lady.

In traditional sex, foreplay acts as a prelude to sexual intercourse because women inexplicably demand it. In the context of anal sex, foreplay serves a similar function, but with a completely different structure that is far more controlled and sanitary.

By way of comparison, in traditional foreplay, the male will often kiss and slurp at the female's breasts while mumbling something semi-incoherent and "dirty," such as "Oh, baby, whose big nipply tits are these? That's right. They my tits. They my tits."

Practitioners of anal sex handle foreplay differently. The male might announce that, in eight minutes, he would enjoy some mouth-to-breast contact. The two partners will then carefully remove, fold, and set aside their clothing and try to refrain from their natural impulse to count one another's pubic hairs. When eight minutes have passed, the male will press his lips against each nipple in turn - symmetry is very important in anal sex - before scrubbing the breasts down with an antiseptic pad and disposing of the pad in a strategically-placed biohazard bin. The female might then state in a controlled tone of voice that she has found this foreplay acceptable and pleasurable, within reason.

During anal sex itself, the first and foremost objective is sanitation. Condoms are therefore a necessity; objects such as latex gloves, galoshes, and saran wrap are sometimes used as well. In order to minimize mess, as little lubrication is used as possible. Partners attempt to minimize physical contact. Otherwise, the actual process of anal sex is nearly identical to "normal" sex: insert, thrust until climax, and watch the other partner skulk off, disappointed and unsatisfied.

Much like normal sex, anal sex often involves the use of objects to act as sexual aids. Practioners of anal sex rarely use standard toys, because this would force them to temporarily de-alphebetize their dildos. Instead, they make use of objects such as air fresheners and full-body condoms (pictured at left), to help keep the sex sanitary.

Pregnancy as a result of anal sex is is very rare, partly because of condom usage and partly because the men often go a little too far in sterilizing themselves beforehand. A common rumor is that the sperm inherit the man's anal nature and become too busy counting each other and organizing into orderly formations to form a zygote. However, scientists have been unable to confirm this rumor and theorize instead that squirting hand sanitizer down one's pee hole is bad for fertility.

Anal sex is rather popular among the homosexual population. This may have something to do with the fact that women can be quite sexually messy, given their natural vaginal lubrication, periods, and insistence on cuddling afterward, which causes unnecessary bodily contact. Anal sex among lesbians is therefore exceedingly rare. Anal sex between two men is similar to heterosexual anal sex, but with added emphasis on the butt.

Anal sex and porn

Pornography depicting anal sex is generally unpleasant to watch, due to its robotic nature. However, an inordinate amount of it is produced due to the practitioners' insistence on keeping to a schedule; a pornographer can count on anal sex partners being in his studio three times a week at a predetermined time.

Thus, nearly 70% of commercially available sex is anal sex; this has started a bit of a trend among young, naive adults who think a video called "Anal Beauties XXXVII" will be either kinky or hardcore.

Because of its low quality, some advocacy groups argue that anal porn poses something of a threat to teenagers viewing their first pornographic content, and that such teens may become completely turned off to sex upon viewing anal porn, leading to a life of sexual repression, frustration, and an inexplicable desire to vote for political conservatives.

Controversy

Religious groups have taken to passive-aggressively protesting anal sex.

Anal sex is a controversial practice. While OCD sufferers have used it to find relief that has been difficult to achieve otherwise, critics attack the practice, saying that it is "weird" and "unnatural." Thus, much anal sex is practiced in secret, and it is not uncommon to face persecution if one's preference for the act is discovered.

Religious groups have argued that God intended sex to be a dirty act, and that it should not be perverted by introducing an obsession with cleanliness. In support of this argument, they have cited passages such as Genesis 16:1, wherein Abram ejaculates all over Hagar's face and hair before defecating on her chest and spreading the feces around with his buttocks. Some religious groups have gone so far as to organize protests against anal sex and launched websites such as god-hates-soap.org.

Supporters of anal sex counter that hygienic sex is simply an extrapolation of common sexual practices, and that in their view, anyone who would want a big gaping vagina dripping all over his face is the real sexual deviant. In larger cities, anal sex parades have been organized in support of the practice; however, all have been cancelled due to participants' fear of crowds.

Ironically, practitioners of anal sex participate in discrimination, themselves; they are known to be some of the fiercest persecutors of people who like insert their penises into their partner's asshole, a sexual practice so deviant that, to date, it has not been given a name.