User:Hanumizzle/Rohan
Riddermark Ridenna-mearc Rohan | |||
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| Motto: "Just tell people to use KDE." | |||
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| Capital | Edoras | ||
| Largest city | Kiruna | ||
| Official language(s) | English (Rohirric now deprecated) | ||
| Government | Monarchy (???) | ||
| National Hero(es) | Ole Kirk Kristiansen, Euronymous, Josef Frank, Dag Hammarskjöld, Bluetooth, Satan. | ||
| Currency | Rotting fish | ||
| Religion | Satanism | ||
Rohan is a very boring land of wind-swept plains and mountains in Middle-earth, which lays to the north of Gondor, to the east of the Enedwaith (Westron for East Jebip), and to the south [1] of the Misty Mountains. The wind in Rohan seems to yawn slowly as it passes uneventfully through the uniformly verdent, uniformly round hills of the land and through the uniformly fair hair of its uniformly tall inhabitants and their uniformly plain stave houses. The name Rohan itself derives from the original Sindarin 'Rochand', meaning 'soporific' or even 'narcotic' [2]. This would be a very dull place indeed, but for the Rohirrim themselves, who continually battle on many fronts against the bleak existential vacuum of ennui from which they believe emerged long ago. [3] This produces many interesting side effects.
Ethnic Groups[edit | edit source]
Although the casual observer may perceive that all Rohirrim are identical in form and manner, as if stamped from a single common mold, and perhaps assembled at home, there are indeed several distinct ethnic subgroups within the whole Rohirric ethnicity. Though indeed generally similar in appearance, they share only one other thing in common: they all hate each other. They hate each other with so great a passion that they will ridicule eachother in folk tales and on YouTube metal video comment threads before assembling---only slightly begrudgingly---to solve their problems with reasonable discourse, as is the wont of these fronting pussy sellout faggots.
West[edit | edit source]
“Ulcer is fatal to children; death makes a corpse easy to mount.”
The West, or 'Blækk' Rohirrim inhabit the mountainous northwestern territories of Rohan. Here, Dungeons & Dragons 3rd Edition nature strongly informs their view of the world and, at that, their environment is rugged and imposing, with its dark mountains, grim forests, and infernal publicly-subsidized mass transit system, NecroRail AB. As a result, most West Rohirrim quite self-consciously assume a distinctly grim worldview. In fact, they are so grim that they will have sex with dead bodies. Many West Rohirrim kill themselves in order to increase their popularity with the opposite sex, rather than resort to their gullible (if looser), scum-sucking, pig-dog neighbors, and leave wry humorous suicide notes as personal ads. Those who do go on living their miserable, grim. blækk lives---if for no reason other than to go to the East to crush Trolls, or to the North to slay Orcs---wear hideous configurations of thick black, white and red makeup called 'corpse paint' to assume to alluring charms of the dead.
The grim outlook of many West Rohirrim is not entirely without justification. According to the United Nations, West Rohan surpasses Mordor and even Asbury Park with the dubious distinction of 'The Shittiest Place to Live in Middle-earth'. Temperatures in the winter (Rohirric: 'vntr', alternatively 'grímter') drop so sharply that the people there technically qualify as a kind of living Bose-Einstein condensate, and they have no choice but to burn down cathedrals to stay warm during this grimmest of seasons, as the infernal black forests of this land harbor many fell beasts, such as Wargs, Swedes, and Jesus Christ. All the rivers are difficult to access, as they sit in steep-walled valleys where Morgoth pissed his name in the snow when Arda was still new. There's moose and reindeer shit everywhere and Santa's Orcs regularly lay siege to the dark and grim northern garrisons. In fact, carbon emissions from Mordor force Polar-Beornings into the southern cities now. In addition to all else, sunrise and sunset are as regular as Strom Thurmond off of Metamucil. Even in Harad, which, as we all know, is full of black people, Arien causes to sun to rise and set in a regular rhythm. In sharp constrast, she loves to fuck around with the people of West Rohan: she will loiter for several weeks, resume her normal schedule for a while, and then vacate the land altogether for a few more weeks with no apparent rhyme or reason. As a result of this erratic solar schedule, many West Rohirrim are computer programmers. Were it not for the prodigious mammary production of their women, rickets would cripple and kill these backwards people.
Oh, and nøbødy løves ligætures and øther spæciål chåræcters møre thån the Wæst Røhirrim.
East[edit | edit source]
“A shared sorrow is half a sorrow, and a shared cock is a double cock.”
- Can't keep their legs shut
- Can't keep their legs shut
- Can't keep their legs shut
- Can't keep their legs shut
How to Blame East Rohirrim for Everything That Goes Wrong[edit | edit source]
Among many things that the East Rohirrim suck, one of them is ass. They hate you, and they want you to die, [4] slowly and painfully, if possible. The Easterners have unleashed a veritable Pandora's box of miseries against the world around them. In 1991 of the Third Age, the earliest versions of the East Rohirric Linux virus began circulating on the Internet. This virus has since infected thousands of computers worldwide, rendering its content users, such as the one who wrote this article helpless victims unable to run Internet Explorer, Office, Notepad, IIS, MS SQL, Blaster, and other fine Microsoft products. Recent versions of Linux implement preemptive multitasking, a corrupting socialist scheme of distributing CPU time that gives time to poor processes who don't deserve it, taking hard-earned clock cycles away from processes like the X server, which only took up 70% of my CPU time so far. According to these pie-in-the-sky Ivory Tower academics, this is supposed to lead to a "more efficient and responsive time-sharing schedule". Psh, whatever, hippie freaks. Many believe that Linux was responsible in 2002 of the Third Age for the decline in sales of Microsoft server products fall of Minas Ithil to the Nazgûl, who promptly renamed it 'Minas ph34r', turned it into an Internet gaming café for their own use, and completely trashed the joint in doing so. [5]
- Taxonomy is too hard
- They make you assemble furniture you buy. Gay.
South[edit | edit source]
- Dicks
- Talk with potatoes in their mouths
- Plastic castles
North[edit | edit source]
“In Soviet Russia, homosexuals beat shit out of YOU!”
- Rumored North Rohirrim live on the remnants of Númenor and hunt homosexuals for sport
Language[edit | edit source]
The differences among dialects are relatively few: är, er; -in, -en; varg, ærsønist; who the Hel is keeping track, anyway? The Rohirric language as a whole is not unlike the English language, xcpt fr th fct tht t snds cmpltl disemvoweled.
Vowels[edit | edit source]
The Rohirric language has only one vowel, and its pronunciation varies according to locale. In the West, it is pronounced as a long AAAAAAAAA!, in the East, as a short 'HOOGH!', and in the South, it's actually just a glottal stop and not a vowel at all. It is said that the legendary North Rohirrim write it as 'í' and pronounce it as 'oy', but many think they're really Irish anyway, so they don't count. West Rohirric once had a second vowel, 'o', but because of its association with Neo-Nazi groups it appears only in its censored form and remains silent as ø.
Tonality[edit | edit source]
Because of their frequent contact with the folk of Khand, the dialect of the East Rohirrim is peculiar in exhibiting tonality; that is, pitch contour completes the meaning of syllables. There are, in fact, eight tones in East Rohirric, as opposed to a mere five in standard Variag. These are: high, low, Midgard, falling, dopey Muppet voice, Johan Hegg, my throat is full of semen, and Gjallarhorn.
History[edit | edit source]
Do funny diagram of Eorl's descendants sometime.
References[edit | edit source]
- ↑ ...though Rohirrim, as the inhabitants of this land are known, are loathe to admit they are south of anything
- ↑ It is well to note that the denizens of Rohan rarely use Sindarin, except for musicians, who traditionally ascribe Sindarin names to their bands, such as 'Amon Amarth' (Mount Doom).
- ↑ cf. Ginnugagap, the Yawning Gap
- ↑ ...especially if you are Norwegian
- ↑ Adding insult to injury, the Nazgûl asserted that "all [of Gondor's] base (sic) are belong (sic) to us, LOLZORZ".