User:FatassMcGee/Anti-Pope
The Anti-Pope is an exact copy of the Pope made out of anti-matter. If the Anti-Pope and the Pope were ever to meet both would disappear in a blast of pure energy so massive that it would bring about the apocalypse and awaken the Jesus from his long slumber to continue his eternal battle with the anti Christ. For this reason alone, anti-popes are not allowed in airports or Guam.
The Anti-Pope is widely believed to be made of unadulterated malevolence and considered the physical incarnation of hatred itself.[1] These beliefs are unfounded. In reality, the anti-pope is a pretty cool guy. The anti-pope, much like the regular-Pope, is, according to Catholic teachings, one of the five guardian deities[2] protecting this world from utter destruction, of which he and the regular-pope are the last remaining.
Appearance[edit | edit source]
Easily identified by his tall hat and frequent "compensation jokes" from nearby heathens, the Anti-pope always looks identical to the current regular-pope, save for slight bluish glow. This is because, being made of antimatter, he absorbs darkness instead of reflecting light.[citation needed]
Origin of the Anti-Pope[edit | edit source]
The first records of an anti-pope date back to roughly 200 A.D., although Catholic tradition says the Anti-pope has been around since the Crucifixion.[3] Early Anti-popes lived lives of relative seclusion to prevent themselves from falling into the wrong hands, which is why records from this time are scarce[4]
Lifestyle[edit | edit source]
To prevent an accidental encounter with the pope, the Anti-pope frequents the two places the regular pope would never go: frat parties and brothels. This has lead to misconceptions[5] of the anti-pope being a drunken womanizer. However this is not the case, as the Anti-pope lives a life of inebriated chastity, and thus merely observes.
The Book of Noitalever[6][edit | edit source]
According to the Book of Noitalever, despite the Anti-pope's best efforts, he and the regular-pope are destined to accidentally bump into each other while shopping for milk "within a few years"[7] and "release a burst of pure[8] energy" which will "awaken the Jesus from his eternal[9] slumber to defend the world from the Anti-Christ's Diplomats of the Damned."
Chain of Succession[edit | edit source]
Upon the death of the regular-pope, the Anti-pope falls into a deep slumber until nature takes its toll, necessitating the election of a new Anti-pope. While originally chosen by junior clergymen near Constantinople, since 1059 the Anti-pope election process has undergone numerous deteriorations that directly mirror that of the regular-pope, though the Catholic church denies any similarities.
Notable Anti-Popes[edit | edit source]
Finish Later[edit | edit source]
Conflicting Accounts[edit | edit source]
Many have speculated that the stories concerning the Anti-Pope of Alcatraz and Mount Doom are mere myths and legends. Others have suggested that the Anti-Pope is the devil himself (or some elder being far more evil and sinister than even the devil,) risen up to eradicate all that is good in our world. It is rumored that, should the Anti-Pope be summoned, the only way to send him back to his own fiery realm is to align him and the real Pope under Stonehenge on the night of a full moon.
Conspiracy Theories[edit | edit source]
Many nutters and other conspiracy theory types have developed quite complex theories as to why Anti-Pope disappeared. One of the more prominent ones is that in 1987 Anti-Pope bought a DeLorean and went back in time to kill John F. Kennedy and then stayed in 1969 because his DeLorean runs by playing NWA albums really loud, and there are no NWA albums in the sixties. Fucking hippies. This is the most plausible theory, but it fails to explain the unconfirmed sightings of Anti-Pope in a mid-nineties crack-house.
Another completely unfounded fiction dreamt up by a delusional loner is that Anti-Pope didn't disappear at all, but simply became invisible and is in fact still tap dancing in shitty theatres all over the world, simultaneously!
Anti-Pope myths[edit | edit source]
- Anti-Pope is not the Pope's Aunt.
- Anti-Pope is not an ant
- Anti-Pope is not bisexual. He is Anti-Gay
- Anti-Pope is not to be confused with Ante-Pope, who was the Pope's Predecessor
- Anti-Pope is not an anagram of Toilets.
- Anti-Pope is not related to Anne Coulter
- Anti-Pope supports anti-Christianity, which worships the Anti-devil.
- Anti-Pope wanted to be a Ballerina when he grew up.
- Anti-Pope is NOT a cure for Cancer
- Anti-Pope curses any bastards who put a reference to Chuck Norris or The Stig here. And don't get him started on Russian Reversal.
- Once the real Pope's real brother until his disappearence, when the real Pope killed him.
- Anti-Pope likes 69.
Anti-Pope legends[edit | edit source]
- Anti-Pope can play Through Fire And Flames on expert with one finger.
- Anti-Pope can not however play in Fire And Flames without serious burns.
Notes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ Just like the regular-pope
- ↑ The others are The Virgin Mary (deceased), Moses (deceased), Hong Xiuquan (deceased), and the regular pope (receased)
- ↑ The first being Anti-saint Retep, though Eastern Orthodox tradition states that Retep was merely "Last among equals"
- ↑ That, and the continued adherence to the Roman tradition of illiteracy made keeping records pointless
- ↑ Probably not the best choice of words...
- ↑ Commonly inaccurately written as Snoitalever
- ↑ John. Book of Noitalever. 81 A.D.
- ↑ Pure as in holy. Also the other kind
- ↑ Dictionaries are a relatively new invention, don't ya know?