User:Falcotron/Infotest
“Dude...in the Sucka Free City we be gettin' HELLA hyphy, mayne.”
~ Oscar Wilde on San Francisco
“If you go to San Francisco, be sure to wear some flowers in your hair. And you should still wash your hair really well when you get home anyway. Flowers help, but it's still really hard to get that pot smell out.”
“I left my heart in San Francisco, but with the money I got for hocking it I scored some great coke. I mean, killer coke. I mean--oh god, Danny, Dae, boys, help me, I think I'm having a heart attack!”
| Hella San Francisco | |
|---|---|
| Motto: "Hella hyphy, mayne." | |
| Civic anthem: "Sandstorm" | |
| Official nickname | Frisco |
| Official language(s) | Chinese, MexiCAN, English, Cuneiform |
| Mayor | E-40 |
| Established | 1847 |
| Re-Established | 1906 |
| Re-Re-Established | 1989 |
| Currency | Soy beans |
| Opening hours | All day everyday except twice a year on the first Thursday of every September |
San Francisco is one of the largest cities in California, America, Earth, The Universe and The Known World. Located across the bay from UC Berkeley, the place where hippies are born, and Oak-town, the home of the hyphy movement, San Francisco is a charming city that smells mildly of hemp when the winds are right.
Culture[edit | edit source]
People[edit | edit source]
There are many types of people in San Francisco: guitar playing hippies who have migrated from UC Berkeley, philosophy majors ("would you like fries with that?"), Cthulhu spawn, Fabulous Friends of Dorothy, an army of Tupac clones, and many more. San Franciscans are known for their love of Chuck Norris, wallabies and ferns. They do not get crunk; they get hyphy and they hate the LA Dodgers, yadadamean? Also, as Californians we can all surf and we all love the Beach Boys.
San Francisco is an ethnically diverse and well-integrated city. For example, the corridor along Mission Street contains everyone from norteños to chicanos to latinos to Mexican-Americans, while Pacific Heights contains not only WASPs but also one Jew, one Black, one Irishman and Robin Williams (each of whom have been mayor).
History[edit | edit source]
San Francisco, now known for being the most important cultural Mecca in North America, has not always been so. Most of the City's fame stems from the importance is plays in western cultural history. From the birth of Jesus in the City's Mission District in 0 BC, to the Franciscan monks in the Middle Ages, to the Sexual Revolution that began in the Haight, to the Silicon Revolution and the Hyphy Movement, San Francisco has been and continues to be hella tight.
Language[edit | edit source]
Unlike other Americans, San Franciscans speak perfect English, unchanged since the Elizabethan era. Words such as "hyphy," "hella," and "beezies," which have become obsolete and forgotten even in England live on in the quaint speech patterns of the San Francisco Peninsula.
Economy[edit | edit source]
San Francisco's economy is broken down as such:
- 3% Sourdough bread
- 52% Public transit fares
- 58% Parking fines
- 110% Ripping off tourists in Chinatown and Fisherman's Wharf
- 16% Condo sales to internet yuppies who work down in the South Bay
- 92% Hyphy Juice
- 37% Vegan friendly S&M gear (Tofu cat o'nine tails anyone?)
- Hella% Bud
- 63.333333% New Tupac Albums (released every 5th week of the month)
Cost of Living[edit | edit source]
San Francisco is one of the most expensive cities in America, particularly in rental costs. Recent government attempts to increase middle-income housing by tearing down the freeways to build $300,000 highrise condos for Internet yuppies have, for some reason, done little to help.
The lack of affordable housing has led to the highest homelessness rate in the country, and the fact that many hippies are too stoned to remember where they live and end up sleeping in the park has not helped. Recently, the government has instituted a program known as "Care Not Cash." Instead of spending money on the homeless, San Francisco tries to raise their self-esteem by showing that "we care."
The advantage of having three million homeless in a city of half a million is that the streets are much safer: there are always witnesses to any potential crime.
Landmarks[edit | edit source]
Being a peninsula (Greek for "penis-shaped land"), San Francisco is a land of scenic bridges. Most famous is of course the Golden Gate Bridge to the North, connecting the city with the San Quentin penitentiary. To the East, the Bay Bridge connects San Franciscans to their crack dealers in Oakland. The Bay Bridge can be reached from dozens of locations in the South of Market district, usually by accident, as one lane of a major street, or even the entire street, becomes an unmarked freeway entrance. The new Chuck Norris Bridge connects San Francisco with its partner city across the Danube, Pest. Numerous other bridges in the region connect the East Bay, the South Bay, the North Bay, and Honolulu, a region famed for its Chinese grocery stores.
San Francisco is also a land of hills. The view from atop Twin Peaks is not to be missed on the two days every year when the fog thins sufficiently for visibility beyond three inches. Nob Hill provides a scenic view of the Tenderloin, allowing residents to look down hookers' tops and try to guess which are really female. Pacific Heights, a reserve set aside for politicians, is opened for 30 minutes every Sunday to allow the poor a brief look at the Golden Gate Bridge. Formerly-agricultural Potrero Hill provides stunning views of the new, empty highrise condos and loft buildings of the recent bayside gentrification, while formerly-industrial Bernal Heights is now a vibrant agricultural community, mostly hydroponic, providing hazy views of, like, something hella... um... dude, just check it.
The ultimate scenic overlook is found in the famous Big Pointy Building in the Financial district, which also provides an automatically-respawning parachute, allowing tourists to reach hidden areas where they can perform unique jumps to increase their score.
The mascot of San Francisco is not the Golden Gate Bridge, nor even the Village People; it is Mayor Gavin Newsom's hair, which can be seen from almost all vantage points in the city. Like Gavie's hair, San Francisco will always be clean, utterly fabulous and well kept, earthquake proof, capable of making a damn good nonfat soy latte and ready to get down and party.
Transportation[edit | edit source]
San Francisco has a world-famous public transportation system, which is why only people from elsewhere in the world use it.
The mode of transportation most popular with tourists is the "El", a system of streetcars running on an elevated track. The streetcar has become a San Francisco icon, an essential part of any San Franciscian scene in movies, on TV, and at the end of Rice-a-Roni commercials.
Most locals drive, as street parking is plentiful throughout the city at reasonable costs ($39-$99, payable within four weeks of parking), and the 15mph speed limits on Market Street and other main drags make even the most distant parts of the city accessible in only a few short hours.
However, some locals rely on a system of trains, buses, and pneumatic tubes known as Muni. The Muni buses are so well-known for being on time that the city funds a website, http://nextmuni.com, to brag about their timeliness. Transportation outside of the city core is provided by BART, a network of monorail systems (from the latin mono, meaning one, and rail, meaning thing that could collapse in the next earthquake).
Rickshaws pulled by buck-toothed Chinamen in Chinatown are also common.
Government[edit | edit source]
San Francisco is an oddity in California politics, being not only a city, but also a county, as well as an independent constitutional monarchy. However, after the death of Emperor Norton over a century ago, the power of the crown has waned, and current Empress Nancy Pelosi is little more than a figurehead. However, she still has the authority to conduct trade agreements with the United States, as can be seen in her recent lucrative deals to import pot from Humbolt and export pot to Los Angeles).
Most authority now rests in the Great Central Computer that sits in the old State Capitol building, overseen by The Lead Programmer, Mayor Gavin Newsom. ("Mayor" is his first name; "May" to his friends.) Newsom's responsibilities include feeding data into the computer, announcing the computer's proclamations, and performing ceremonial, invalid gay weddings.
Newsom is assisted by a team of programmers affectionately known as the County Board of Supervisors, although most of the actual work is outsourced to Bangalore.
Travel Tips[edit | edit source]
While San Francisco is a large, urban city, it is entirely safe to walk around its colorful, historic neighborhoods, such as Hunter's Point, Bayview, Dogpatch, Visitacion, and of course the Tenderloin. San Francisco also includes a diverse collection of ethnic neighborhoods, such as the Hispanic Inner Mission, the Hispanic Outer Mission, and the Hispanic Excelsior district.
San Francisco is known for its wide variety of world-class cuisine. For example, on Geary Street, visitors can find two Jack 'n the Box restaurants--and, right around the corner on Market Street, the only Del Taco north of Fresno. Travelers looking for history can visit the famous Haight-Ashbury area, where the spirit of the 60s lives on in dozens of shops transplanted from Hollywood's Melrose district and New York's Greenwich Village. Other popular tourist traps include the oldest baseball stadium in California (now a Safeway). Great discount shopping can be found in the Fisherman's Wharf and Union Square areas. For travelers with young children, the Castro District and South of Market are always exciting, especially at night.
While in town, visitors should be careful to always refer to the city as "Frisco," or residents may not understand them.