User:Dossier/Great Purge

A 'Great Purge' is one of a series of events throughout the history of time causing the complete or near-complete extinction of an Animal species by hilarious or otherwise notable means. Some famous purges include:

• The Badger Purge of 1971: A group of computer hobbyists bent on world domination uploaded a primitive computer virus to the Badger mothership, causing all the badgers to be impaled by nuclear weapons.
• The Duck-Billed Platypus Purge of 1717: Hamid Karzai, ancient Peruvian warlord, carried out a personal vendetta against the entire species of platypi, after one of them was found responsible for the murder of his bed-ridden Father. Karzai was prevented from exterminating the entire species by his premature death from Fatty Degeneration of the Arteries before he had a chance to cleanse Siberia of the animals.
• The Great Cats Purge of 1981: Leading an army of Rottweilers, Bill Gates tried to corner the Steel Wool market by eliminating the only competition. Unfortunately for the cats, his competition was actuall the company called "Wham-O", but he was too hopped up on coke to notice such a minor detail. In related news, Korean restaurants saw an over %340 cost-efficiency increase in 1981.
• The Hundred Year Sheep Purge: The clash between the Sheep and the Royalist French would have been known as a war, except for the fact that the sheep were all too dumb to notice they were getting killed. The 'war' was fought over a small tract of land in Eastern Silesia that looked like it might make a nice spot for a duplex and some plastic flamingoes. Fortunately, some sheep were able to escape using the Dutch Underground Railroad system put in place by Crythwyn Wycrtwr.
• The Goat Purge of 1948: This purge never actually happened. It's just a lie propogated by the Jews to make money off the sales of "I got purged and all i got was this lousy t-shirt" shirts.
• The Great Apple Purge of 1714 (also known as the Granny Smith Rape): Many apples were removed from their homes in Holland and moved to Holland. Ordered by then-president Vladimir Ilyich Lenin.
• The Great Llama Purge of 1992: When NASA Scientists finally realized that an Asteroid was indeed going to hit the Earth in early 1992, they could only think of one solution. Lucky for us, llamas are easy to catch, and they were promptly launched into orbit in what was known as the Kesselring Ring. Now it's mostly just blood, guts, and pieces of rock.
• The Great Rat Purge of 1977: Most of them just choked on that one flavor of toothpaste that came out that year... damn, what was it called again? Been freebasing too much plumber's caulk.
• The Great Spiderman Purge of 2004: Attributed to evil mastermind Sugar. These events eventually led to the release of a hate-mongering book called The Fappo Diaries, written by Professor Johan at Södertörns Högskola.
• The Great Peruvian Penguin Purge of the 17th century: Due to the Portuguese dislike of penguins with teeth that could fly real fast down your throat.
• The Great Jedi Purge: Not so great a purge as once thought. Plenty of new Jedi will pop out of nowhere when cash is involved.