User:Dannehvirus/UnBooks:Inspector Trousers & The Delicious Infant Incident

Prologue

Mihihihihihihi! Inspector Trousers could hear the shrill laugh from many years ago as he stared at the stuffed animal in the Chief's office. It still gave him a subtle chill whenever he recalled the incident in that old warehouse. The cat lunging at him. The sound of the gun. The lifeless, furry body hitting the dusty floor with a dull thud. The silence. Trousers' thoughts were interrupted by the chief walking in and sitting down. "Trousers," said the Chief, "Take a look at these two men." He showed the inspector two pictures. One picture was of a short, stumpy fellow with beady little eyes and quite possibly the manliest moustache Trousers had ever seen, and the other picture was of a tall, old, slender man with white hair and a white beard, in a suit sharp enough to cut leather.

"Friends of yours?" asked Trousers, "They look your type, Chief." "No, you fool," snarled the Chief, "They're corporate criminals. White-collar bandits. Producers and consumers of delicious - er, I mean, defenseless babies. "What's the big deal?" asked Trousers, "I personally find eating babies rather beneficial for one's health." The Chief was silent for moment. "Yes, but -" he began. "I mean," continued Trousers, cutting him off, "They've just been born, so they're full of nutrients that revitalise body and mind and strengthen bones. It's because of the milk they've been consuming. I don't see any problem."

"Of course it's not the problem! The problem is that the babies are FAKE! We've been eating MIDGETS!!! Everything went silent. Even the stuffed cat seemed shocked.

"Now that is a problem!" gasped Inspector Trousers.

Chapter 1: Midget Meals

Meanwhile, at the Lite Baby Cuisine Factory in the next town, midgets disguised as babies were being churned out by the thousands. "Ever since the birth rate went down, our business has been feeling the pinch. But, these midgets seem to be everywhere," said Lite Baby Cuisine CEO David Totmuncher. "Their skin is much tougher and harder to chew, but damned if it doesn't make production a hell of a lot cheaper."

"I'm glad you like my initiative," smiled Lite Baby Cuisine's marketing chief, Frank Babylicious, "They didn't exactly cooperate, but damn, they taste good. Like sinking your teeth into an ultimate showdown of the delicious."