User:Contestant/Useless Survivor Syndrome

Useless Survivor Syndrome (or USS) is a phenomena commonly observed in the aftermath of many heavily-publicized fatal accidents involving well-known cultural figures.

Definition

USS is formally defined inasmuch that "as one's level of fame increases in proportion to the immediate company, one's likelihood of being fatally injured in an incident increases." The likelihood of death is determined by a scientific formula:

$\sigma ={\frac {.8}{\lambda _{x}^{2}}}-{\bigg (}{\Big (}{\frac {.5}{\lambda _{x}^{2}-\lambda _{1}^{2}}}{\Big )}+{\Big (}{\frac {.5}{\lambda _{x}^{2}-\lambda _{2}^{2}}}{\Big )}+\cdots +{\Big (}{\frac {.5}{\lambda _{x}^{2}-\lambda _{n}^{2}}}{\Big )}{\bigg )}$, where:
$\sigma$ equals one's probability of dying,
$\lambda _{x}$ equals one's level of fame translated to a numeric quantity (i.e., A-list = 1, B-list = 2, and so on), and
$\lambda _{n}$ equals the level of fame in a numeric quantity of any given person in the vicinity.

Demonstration

For example, let's determine the likelihood of death of Oprah Winfrey. Oprah is an A-list star, and thus $\lambda _{x}=1.$ Let's assume she is traveling with three companions; Dr. Phil, a B-list star; Sophia, a C-list star; and Codeine, a G-list star. Their $\lambda _{n}$ values are $\lambda _{1}=2$, $\lambda _{2}=3$, and $\lambda _{3}=7$. Squaring our $\lambda$ values gives us $\lambda _{x}^{2}=1$, $\lambda _{1}^{2}=4$, $\lambda _{2}^{2}=9$, and $\lambda _{3}^{2}=49$.

By inputting these values, we receive:
$\sigma ={\frac {.8}{1}}-{\bigg (}{\Big (}{\frac {.5}{-3}}{\Big )}+{\Big (}{\frac {.5}{-8}}{\Big )}+{\Big (}{\frac {.5}{-48}}{\Big )}{\bigg )}=.8-{\bigg (}{\Big (}-.1667{\Big )}+{\Big (}-.0625{\Big )}+{\Big (}-.0104{\Big )}{\bigg )}=.8-(-.2396)=1.0396$
Therefore, were Oprah to get into a crash while in a car with Dr. Phil, Sophia, and Codeine, no matter how minor it may be, she will be killed.

Inversely, if we were to determine Codeine's odds of dying:
$\sigma ={\frac {.8}{49}}-{\bigg (}{\Big (}{\frac {.5}{48}}{\Big )}+{\Big (}{\frac {.5}{45}}{\Big )}+{\Big (}{\frac {.5}{40}}{\Big )}{\bigg )}=.0163-{\bigg (}{\Big (}.0104{\Big )}+{\Big (}.0111{\Big )}+{\Big (}.0125{\Big )}{\bigg )}=.0163-.034=-.0177$.
Therefore, if involved in an accident with Oprah, Dr. Phil, and Sophia, Codeine will actually become healthier.

Exemptions

While, in general terms, the Useless Survivor Syndrome is accurate, there are some minor exemptions.

Equal Fame Exemption

A notable peculiarity of this rule is that if two celebrities of equal fame were to travel together, they will not be harmed; this is due to the quirks of division by zero. Were Oprah to travel with Brad Pitt, who is also an A-list celebrity, no harm can come to either of them; their fame cancels each other out:
${\bigg (}{\frac {.5}{1-1}}{\bigg )}={\bigg (}oh\ fuck\ me,\ did\ I\ just\ divide\ by\ zero?{\bigg )}$.

"Fucking Who?"

In certain instances, the formula does not apply. When dealing with people of irrelevant fame:
$\sigma ={\frac {.8}{81}}-{\bigg (}nobody\ gives\ a\ shit{\bigg )}$

Real-life Applications

The real-life implications of the Useless Survivor Syndrome is easily seen in any celebrity crash.

February 3, 1959

A plane crashes in Clear Lake, Iowa.

• Buddy Holly, singer: killed instantly
• Ritchie Valens, singer: killed instantly
• "The Big Bopper," singer: killed instantly
• Matthew Christiansen, douchebag who served peanuts: uninjured

September 13, 1982

A car crashes in Monaco.

• Grace Kelly, princess/actress: killed
• Kelly Grace, royal subject/stagehand: uninjured

September 27, 1986

A tour bus crashes in Sweden.

• Cliff Burton, rock legend: killed
• Metallica: un-fucking-injured. Fucking, fucking, FUCKING Metallica.

August 31, 1997

A limo crashes in Paris, France.

• Diana, Princess of Wales: killed
• Jimmy Bradley, driver: uninjured

August 25, 2001

A plane crashes in the Bahamas.

• Aaliyah, singer: killed instantly
• Robbie McPherson, cocksmooch agent: uninjured