User:Clo9ud

This user, who did not serve in Iraq and Afghanistan, is a recipient of the Chicken Award.

"The chicken did it."

“Now get this, London calling, yes, I was there too, and you know what they say, well some of it was TRUE.”
~ The Clash

UnNews:Osama bin Laden alleges sexual relationship with Tiger Woods[edit | edit source]

25 April 2010

Federally Administered Tribal Areas, Pakistan

In a recently released audiotape, Osama bin Laden declared that he too, had carried on a secret romance with Tiger Woods.

Terrorism experts analyzing the tape were at a loss to decipher the message, but bussiness analysts pointed to the recent trend of women making sexual allegations following Tiger's reinstatement by sports apparel giant Nike.

"This prooves Osama bin Laden is alive and well," said news commentator; retired general Barry McCaffrey, "He remains a viable threat, almost as dangerous as legalizing pot."

Why Osama bin Laden hates New York

Known for inciting global jihad, Osama is thought to have retired to Pakistan's tribal areas, writing a book about his exploits. Al Qaeda's leader was lured to the region after hearing tales of submissive women whose eyes did not wander but remained riveted down to their feet, under penalty of death.

Osama became despondant with women who were easily distracted away from him and his wealth, whenever a male dancer caught their eye. Soon he would discontinue partying with his brothers at the Kasbah nightclub in downtown Mecca.

In the summer of 2000 he married a Yemeni girl less than half his age (his fourth wife) and secured her loyalty to him by arranging for a couple of his Yemen kinfolk to blow themselves up next to a U.S. Navy destroyer.

Former Afghan leader Mullah Omar explains what followed, "I can understand Osama's motive for the attack...to impress her. But then he stages the 9/11 attacks and invites the wrath of Great Satan, then off he goes with that teenager to his Tora Bora stronghold built with his rich father's money."

Reports of the appearance of Nike's trademark emblem on the Taliban's black turbans is seen as a tactic to raise Taliban morale, following a decline in new recruits after President Bush left office. It also sparked rumors of a secret "opium for turbans" deal in an effort to win over the loyalty of Pashtun tribes.

Senator John McCain, while campaining for re-election, took time out from playing on voter's primal fears and condemned the President Obama strategy of appeasment, calling it "wimpy". He also invoked the memory of Ronald Reagan, recalling nobler times when everyone watched movies like "Red Dawn".

A spokeswoman for Nike, who is also listed as having an affair with Tiger, stated that Nike doesn't condone addiction to opiates or any other drugs, except sex, refering to the new marketing strategy, "Promiscuity: Just do it".