User:Bizzeebeever/To fix/Spikes

“Ow!”

~ Oscar Wilde on a spike

What is mankind's greatest invention? Spandex? Glow in the dark ninja suits? Norway? All worthy contenders, but they pale into insignificance when one considers the noble spike. Sure without medicine we'd probably wouldn't be alive, but if it wasn't for spikes, what would be the point?

Oh, I have so many more where that came from. Spike puns are truly the sharpest form of wit.

But I digress, let us start our merry voyage with...

Spikes through time

Spike design has changed a lot since the early days

The spike's delicate and pure form is the result of thousands of years of development and design, with the art of spikedom being passed tenderly from father to son like a genetic defect. It would be foolish to think that today's spike is the end of the development of the pointed form, the future will hold many new challenges, to which the spike will surely adapt and evolve to pin down.

Spikes have blessed humanity with their presence since time immemorial. Let us consider a few of the highlghts

• 10AD - Southern Gaul: After a victorious battle, the great Julius Cæsar displays the heads of his enemies on spikes. Soon the whole of Europe falls to the Roman Empire, not in fear of decapitation, but in awe of their spike-making capabilities.
• 1666AD - England: A young Isaac Newton sits reading, not changing the course of modern science. Then a spike doth fall from above onto his head. After several hours of life-saving surgery, gravity is invented.
• 1842AD - Prussia: Those cool helmets with spikes on them are invented. Prussian victory on the Franco-Prussian War is entirely due to the coolness of these helmets, not anything to do with the noble tendencies of the French military.
• 2006AD - Here: The love of my life drives a spike through my heart with her tongue WHY? WHY? WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME ANYMORE? LIFE IS MEANINGLESS WITHOUT YOU

But I digress

Spikes in Culture

Spikes are commonplace in Children's literature

To find a piece of any culture which has not been profoundly influenced by the pointed cultural revolution that is the spike is akin to searching for a needle in a haystack. Below is listed some of the seminal points in this glorious relationship:

• In Ancient Egypt spikes were rightly considered to be gods. Large, wide-based spikes were constructed that can still be seen today.
• Recently perennial attention-seeker David Blaine sat on a spike for three months. This was not a stunt, but a punishment from the rest of the world for annoying the crap out of us.
• An episode of The Simpsons features a motionless Homer staring at a spike for the full 25 minutes. It is considered the high point of season 12.

At the 1999 Oscars spikes were awarded a lifetime achievement award for their many unforgettable screen performances. Bursting rumours of retirement from the silver screen the 2006 comeback movie Spikes on a plane was a hit with critics and audiences alike.

In conclusion

Time, like my bladder, is fleeting and I must soon depart. I fear we have only touched the tip of the iceberg, there is so much more for you to know: such as how a mother spike and a father spike produce little baby needles, how spikes single-handedly brought down communism or the unfortunate 1986 free spike with every packet of Cheerios incident.

So let us end this article with a toast, to all that is good, to all that is true, to all that is pointy. To Spikes! Huzzah!