User:BenFleming/HowTo:Survive an Alien Invasion
We all know it's coming. Contrary to the beliefs of certain members of Congress - who themselves are integral parts in planning it - an alien invasion is coming. It's only a matter of time until small green child molesters invade our planet and hi-jack all our women. But this guide will teach you how to prepare for, and survive, an alien invasion.
What Are Aliens?[edit | edit source]
Aliens are any life form that is not of this planet, or is a member of Congress or the House of Commons. While they may claim that they "come in peace," aliens are actually sneaky bastards, and will probe or consume your grandmother if you ignore them.The Galactic federation will be arriving shortly in 2012. They do come in peace despite what movies have program your minds to believe.
Types of Aliens[edit | edit source]
Aliens do not come in only one form. There are a great variety of aliens, some ranging from the blindingly obvious aliens to the more subtle, disguised aliens. Read on for the types of aliens you may encounter.
Obvious Aliens[edit | edit source]
These aliens are the easiest to spot. They are characterized by their green skin, bulging black eyes, and lack of genitalia. This does not mean that they come from the country of Genitalia, though you may occasionally find obvious aliens enjoying the views there, and taking cheesy tourist photographs while wearing cliche Hawaiian shirts.
Disguised Aliens[edit | edit source]
These are aliens that are disguised as humans. They tend to wear the skin of humans like some sort of meat suit in an attempt to get closer and anally probe and/or impregnate a healthy human specimen (reguardless of gender) to carry on their mutant bloodline. It is said that they look like normal humans, but have a weird German accent and a third eye that opens occacionally. They also might have other hidden physical features, as one recent alien encounter revealed.
Early Warning Signs of an Alien Invasion[edit | edit source]
Strange signs in cornfields are the first sign that aliens are planning an attack. The signs are actually roadsigns like "Stop", "No Parking" and "No Urinating".
Warning Signs of an Ongoing Alien Invasion[edit | edit source]
There is a bunch of aliens running around.
How To Tell if a Friend has Been Abducted and/or Brainwashed[edit | edit source]
If your friend has a desire for raw potatoes, brains, or sleazy magazines, then he probably has been brainwashed. It is very rare that somebody would be brainwashed after they were probed. Also if he changes personality, speaks in monotone, doesn't shave, foams at the mouth with his head tilted back for extended periods, and/or tries to yank out your eyes with an ice cream scoop, this could mean that your friend has fallen victim to alien brainwashing.
Items Essential for Preparing for an Invasion[edit | edit source]
Guns, nades, garlic, nachos, and low-cal Strawberry Yoplait Yogurt.
For Men:
PhC. [a codename for Paris Hilton clones...don't tell your wives], beer, and a lot of porn:sports videos.
For Women: Chicken wire, a hazmat suit, and a petri dish covered in germs fatal to an Alien's weenie immune system, such as mono, or smallpox.
Kids: Everybody knows that when the alien's morbid human harvesting begins, they'll be the first to go. Forget the brats and save yourselves.
Proper Procedure for Dealing With Alien Threats[edit | edit source]
-Run Away
Simple Tips for Dealing With an In-Your-Face Alien Battle[edit | edit source]
Don't die. Dying can be fatal. To review (in case you have forgotten) death should be suspected when some or all of the following symptoms are present; a rotting smell, lack of movement or interest in conversation, decomposition, occasional drowsiness.
--74.185.198.120 03:57, 27 November 2008 (UTC)--74.185.198.120 03:57, 27 November 2008 (UTC)