UnNews:Robert Mugabe identity revealed

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

7 June 2011

Robert Mugabe expresses discomfort after inadvertently sucking a large chair, 4 goats, the Bishop of Mabry, his limousine, the Zimbabwean Secret Service director, His Holiness The 14th Dalai Lama Gelug, Rudy Giuliani, The Babe From Law And Order: Special Victims Unit and two hookers through his hemorrhoid to planet Hemmoria.

NEW YORK, New York -- It was revealed today by diplomats attached to the United Nations mission in South Africa that controversial and allegedly corrupt President Robert Mugabe of neighboring Zimbabwe actually died in 1984, and this has just now come to light. Since his death from hemorrhoidal asphyxiation, the office of President has been held by an alien from the planet Hemmoria who possessed Mugabe's dead body with absolutely no one noticing the difference. The alien's goal was to facilitate the occupation of a mindbendingly crappy country, thereby negating the possibility of detection by other nations who do not care about Zimbabwe anyway (even though, according to Bono and other celebrity millionaires with nothing better to do, they should). The discovery was made during the President’s regular annual physical when he complained of rectal pain and was admitted to the hospital for further examination. During the examination at Mugabe Central Clinic in the Mugabe National Hospital on Mugabe Drive in Mugabeville (formerly Harare), he “accidentally” sucked up the physician, the nurse and three security guards into the affected area when his “interstellar transportation hub” was examined too closely and apparently inadvertently activated. This caused the missing individuals to be sucked into Mugabe’s "universal Hemorria access panel (abbr. 'hemorrhoid')" and beamed them to Hemmoria in the 59th purple alternate plane of reality, near Detroit outside of Windsor Mugabe Provincial Anal Clinic, next to 7-11.

After the examination and disappearances, the Official Opposition issued a statement from their offices in their torture chamber on death row, proclaiming that “We told you that Mugabe was a royal pain in the ass! Now do you believe us? What more do you need? Preparation H?” Other observers and critics of the government agreed that "Mugabe is indeed an infected, nasty, inhuman, painful ass - wherever he is from."

In a rebuttal, a government spokesman countered that “President Mugabe has never made a claim to being royal, only sublimely perfect and superhuman beyond the comprehension of mere mortals, except - of course - Charlie Sheen (see Alien Rock Star From Mars; The Sequel). The President has inhaled the essence of Arnold Schwarzenegger and found it weak and wanting. Chuck Norris cowers before his Presidential Allness. To claim that he is a pain in the ass would be, as is typical of the Official Opposition, discriminatory against pain, asses and everyone from Hemmoria. That is why we beat the Opposition in prison; it was for their own good. However we try, we don't seem to be able to teach them to cower meekly, to offer blind acceptance, be less discriminatory, more truthful and also totally, completely and absolutely sensitive to the human rights and needs of the President. Whether he is human or not, he still has human rights!" After taking a moment to self lubricate, the spokesperson went on to claim that "Furthermore, the President’s humanity, or lack of it, has nothing to do with his qualification for office. There have been many like him before now - Bill Clinton, Pia Zadora, Mao, The Great Pumpkin, Dennis Rader, and That Thing From The Geico Commercials With The Funny Accent! President Mugabe has been inhuman for years and has ruled effectively, lovingly, graciously and oh so passionately since he took office. His essence is that of all things combined into perfection. His transition to Thetan Operating Lev...err, I mean when his mild, mild illness occurred in 1984, that also resulted in an even greater and improved understanding of all things below him and about his lower self. Those are what are most important to him."

Mugabe’s controversial wife and alien consort Grace, internationally notorious for her profligate spending of national wealth on "beautifying the nation", was reportedly shocked by the revelation, and claimed to the BBC that she had never noticed that third appendage growing from his midsection. “I just thought he was really hung!” said a shocked Mrs. Mugabe, before moving on to matters closer to her own heart. “How many Zimbabwean dollars does a Hemmoria dollar equal? Is it more than the $ Z 92 billion to U.S. $1 Dollar that we have now? Does Hemmoria have banks? Marks and Spencer? Neimens? This is serious! I need to buy some new clothes and some new cars and Tucks Pads and new children and new underwear and socks and shoes and feet so he can travel more comfortably to…where was it again, Detroit? Can we get to Hemmoria in First Class? Oh my, what do I do now?“ After being treated in hospital for advanced stupidity, Mrs. Mugabe was seen at Mugabe, Mugabe, Mugabe and Mugabe National Bank and Trust withdrawing their savings and obtaining an appointment for a sex change operation and a hycolonic. She has since fled the country and returned to her native home, Uranus.

Mugabe remains President, as there is nothing in the Zimbabwe Constitution that states the President must, in fact, be human, and no one has a clue about where a Hemmoridian's weak spots are. Observers believe that "there will be no significant change in the government of Zimbabwe, since Mugabe “has never really been confused with a human being before anyway, and many are left to wonder what has changed, if anything. That his ass sucks now? Well, we knew that his ass sucks canal water already.” Mugabe is reportedly planning to continue sucking his nation's wealth, assets, future and posterity through his ass until there is nothing left, or until American Idol gets syndicated in Zimbabwe as part of Rupert Murdoch's purchase of Southern Africa, whichever comes first.

Sources

• Columbus S. Mavhunga "Zimbabwe officer who used Mugabe's toilet awaits word on his fate" CNN via edition.cnn.com, June 6, 2011

• Michealene Cristini Risley "Godwin's The Fear a Brilliant Witness to Mugabe's Continued Massacre of Zimbabweans" Huffington Post - World, June 2, 2011

• Lance Guma "Biti home attacked as war of words with Mugabe escalates" SW Radio Africa news - The Independent Voice of Zimbabwe, June 6, 2011

• Alex Perry "Mugabe's Latest Gift to Zimbabwe: the Secret of Living Longer" Time Magazine - Online Blog, June 6, 2011