User:Assfish/Tarrare

Tarrare (Tarrare "Tararre" Tarrare Tarrare) was a professional infantivore and squirrel who lived in the 17th century. He was most notable for his ability to consume food, and his highly successful political hobby.

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  Tarrare

Early Life

Tarrare was born in 1700 in France, USA. His parents were Hillary Clinton (Father), and an unknown builder known as "Bob" (unknown). When he was 8 his father, Hillary was arrested by the United States Department of Housing and Urban Development. Hillary was later charged with aggravated malpractice. He was given a sentence that was impossible to understand, as it lacked any grammatical accuracy and his family quickly went bankrupt as a result. To avoid starvation Tarrare was sold by his family as a squirrel to an Italian chef (the chef went by the name "Peepee", but his true identity remains unknown). "Peepee" named Tarrare "Deez Nutz" and trained him to fly up to, and attack any airplane that flew above his 200 chunk property by giving him cocaine. During this time he was only fed acorns which he stored in his cheeks, much like a chipmunk keeping it's chipmunk eggs warm, so his mouth became extremely stretched out and deformed. Around the age of sixteen he got too big for his squirrel suit, which subsequently split open, revealing to Peepee that he was not a squirrel, but actually a furry. Realizing that he could be charged with slavery if he was found out, Peepee put Tarrare in a small box (2 inches/1 cm in diameter) and mailed him to America with 3 year shipping guaranteed!

Eating Addiction

Eating Addiction

After arriving in America exactly 3 years after being shipped, Tarrare found himself having been delivered to a McDonalds. Instantly realizing that he was in America, he had a panic attack and fell into a major depression which lasted for a while (some etymologists think that this was a result of withdrawal but what do those idiots know).

Cow

He immediately ate a cow and felt better.

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  Tarrare eating the cow that made him feel better.

Activism

Tarrare also was notable in his activism to gain better protection of the rights of zoo animals.

Harambe Incident

(Not to be confused with the Harambe assassination of 2016) On May 28th, 1716 at 20:45 AM, a gorilla was shot 50 times after a child fell into the shallow end of the gorilla's swimming pool. The child's goal was to frame the gorilla of kidnapping and recieved no penalties, despite the fact that he admitted to attempted murder of a gorilla. Tarrare took justice into his own hands and deployed sarin gass in the child's neighborhood, killing millions. An impressive 25 people formed a cult which worshipped Tarrare for his bravery, which no one cared about.

Hospitalization and Canibalism

Tarrare's activism led to his hospitalization and eventual diagnosis with Snail. While in the hospital he was at, he was forced to eat garbage and various small animals including: cats, snakes, mice, lizards, puppies, slugs, feet, shrimp, eels, dinosaurs, camels, lions, elephants, and scorpions. He also eventually was forced to eat a 14 month old child by it's mother because she wanted to collect her own life insurance. It is unknown if she was successful in her insurance fraud, but considering that she didn't get the money and was immidiatly charged with first degree murder and then sentenced to death by head ripping off, it's probably safe to say that she was.

After the incident, Tarrare had enough of being a slave in a hospital, and attempted to escape. Now 27 years old, he began to experience osteoperosis, among other diseases which restricted his ability to run from the hospital. To escape the hospital for good he returned to France.

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  Tarrare eating a cat.

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  Tarrare eating the hospital's garbage included in the trash are, amputated limbs and organs, biohazardous waste, and deceased patients.

Return to France and Rise to Power

After arriving in France, Tarrare planned to return to his family. By then, his family had recovered from bankruptcy, and was one of the richest families in the neighborhood. Tarrare had to walk to his former home. Upon arriving home, his family immediately put him in a box and sold him as a squirrel to an Italian chef named "Peepee" (he had owned Tarrare when he was a child). Peepee named Tarrare "Deez Nutz2" and arranged for Tarrare to receive 20 million dollars (2,000 cents, adjusted for inflation) after he died.

Soon after Peepee's death in 1729, Tarrare bought a hitman to kill the Emperor of America. Tarrare then took power and would remain emperor until his death in 1740. He actually didn't do much as emperor, only converting the main export of America to acorns, among various acts of terrorism, wait, actually we call what he did protesti,g. He also ate several babies because he was "bored".

Death

Tarrare dropped dead on 1740 (exactly 200 years before 1940) while ordering a Big Mac and a "small eyes" from McDonalds. It is still unknown what he meant by "small eyes".

In order to commemorate Tarrare, McDonald's created the character Grimmace. The original costume was fabricated from Tarrare's actual skin. The original Grimmace costume was retired in 1915 and replaced with a new costume, sewn from the skin of noted fat President William Howard Taft, who also died at McDonalds in 1922.