Uncyclopediae

The 1604 Uncyclopediae

Uncyclopediae was a multi-volume gag encyclopedia and intermediate predecessor of Uncyclopedia; as well as the successor of Ancient Uncyclopedia. It was published yearly between 1066 and 2005, when a loss of market share and nuclear war forced it online where it became Uncyclopedia. It was headquartered in Vienna, Austria as well as several other locations throughout its 939-year run. It also briefly declared itself an autonomous republic in a "brilliant" tax evasion scheme dreamed up by the editors.

1066-1205

Design

The first edition of Uncyclopediae was brownish-yellow, and has since been lost in the Great Ransacking of '59. The earliest existing copy is dated 1079, and is leather bound with gold letters. A logo and the slogan "The Contente Free Encyclopediæ" are barely legible. Gregor the Impaler's face is on the back cover. The first edition editable by everyone, and not just lords of high societye, was published in 1789. Uncyclopediae's headquarters was fit with a "submissions" box that anyone could place an article or edit into, resulting in a overflow of articles from the local peasantry about livestock and plowing. In response, Gregor added a page in the beginning of the book "How To Be Funny and Not Just Write About Livestock And Plowing". However, editions only came out once per year, and by then, many contributors were executed, imprisoned or dead of Cholera and never be able to see their work. So, in 1799, Uncyclopedia released a feature in which anyone could pay a small fee and have their old edition updated mid-year by a visiting horse-drawn editing cart. Uncyclopedia discontinued the service in 1993 after complaints from the Clinton administration about horse manure in the street. In 1995, Uncyclopediae released the ability to embed QR codes which would retrieve further information on the computer. A QR database was continued for several years after the crash, but it contained no actual pages.

1205-1346People totally got impaled in there

History

Foundation

Uncyclopediae was founded by Gregor The Impaler The Fourth in 1066, as a means to control his people's minds. He raped and pillaged Ancient Uncyclopedia's headquarters, burned it to the ground, and put all the former editors and sysops to the sword. Later that evening, Gregor rebuilt it (on top of the smoldering ashes) in ultramodern Gothic style, and immediately re-branded it as "Uncyclopediae": which, he said, would bring more quality, streamlined facts to "all learned men of high societye". It was originally published as a 1000-page volume of which only he could edit, and contained pages on many subjects.

In 1101, with the end of the Terror Rebellion, in which Gregor was killed, the Lukerians took control and built a new headquarters in Vienna. Eventually, they were overthrown too, and Uncyclopediae switched hands several times until 1789, when it was made a public resource. King Louie XVI still had a control of it, but less so. Several technological innovations were made over the years, including the ability to add links that would mechanically switch pages in 1893, and the ability to mail UGotM votes to Uncylcopediae's headquarters.

A 1971 Edition of Uncyclopediae

1346-1562

Relocation of headquarters

Uncylcopediae had several headquarters over the years. First in Vienna, then Paris, then Vienna, then Hamburg, then Paris, then London, and finally New York City. Duncan the Simple's attempts to locate the headquarters on giant raft made of stones in the Mediterranean met with limited success.

1562-1789

Stone the Cripple Controversy

In 1996, the American Disability Advocate Group requested that Uncyclopediae stop its 673 year old team building practice "Stone the Cripple", which consisted of finding a disabled child and stoning him or her. In a opinion piece published in the New York Times, ADAG called the practice "dated" and wrote that "while it started with noble intentions" could "now be perceived as offensive" and it could be phased out and replaced with something more appropriate for the modern world. Many Uncyclopediae executives agreed, but CEO Sid the Vicious refused, saying that the practice was merely a "tradition" and that Uncyclopediae was in fact an equal opportunity employer. The controversy continued for several weeks until the Viscious agreed to rename it "Stone the Physically Handicapped Person".

"Stone the Physically Handicapped Person" was ended in 1999 when all the stone was required for an expansion of the Uncyclopediae World Headquarters.

Decline

Uncyclopeidae's success was hurt with the launch of Cyclopediae, a competitor that was later destroyed with the help of ICBMs, but it soon became clear that Uncyclopediae would never return to its former glory. In 2001, Cyclopediae retaliated with the help of ICBMs. The designation of Uncyclopediae's headquarters as a war zone dropped its stock by 18 points, and eventually they were forced to file for bankruptcy. In 2004, Uncyclopediae CEO Gregor the Marketer announced that Uncylcopediae would be discontinued. On May 18, 2005, the great ransacking of '05 occurred, and most copies of Uncyclopediae were burned. A day later, Uncyclopedia went online.

1789-1931

Famous contributors

GregorTheImpaler004

Duncan the Simple: Self-Portrait, CA 1346

Draconian founder of Uncyclopediae famous for conquering and enslaving movable type.

DuncanTehSimpel

While not terribly bright, Duncan the Simple was regarded as very nice guy who enjoyed skiing. He was accidentally nominated as editor when he wandered into Uncyclopediae's headquarters believing it to be a pie-eating contest.

Less Notable Members:

• Charlie800
• O$carWilde
• <insert name here>'s great-great-great-grand-uncle (before his incarceration for lewd behavior with a cheese grinder)
• HamLton2048
• CCVII.CXLII.XXXI.CCXXXVI

1931-1989

Winners of "Writer of The Fortnight" (WoTF)

• GregorTheImapaler004
• GregorTheImapaler004
• GregorTheImapaler004
• rebelYell
• GregorTheImapaler004

1983-2004People got impaled here, too

See also

• Ancient Uncyclopedia
• Uncyclopedia