Uncyclopedia:UnSignpost/20120203
The Self-Proclaimed Greatest Periodical Of All Time!
February 3th, 2012 • Issue 156 • There might be wild hungry cows on the loose!
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On Felonies And Awards
Hello. I was sitting in the study this evening, sipping imported white jasmine tea while reading Shakespeare's Titus Andronicus, Rachmaninoff's Symphony No. 2 in E Minor proudly flowing into the room by way of a full orchestra I had composed of Hungarian slave children I'd purchased on the black market, when it suddenly hit me. I realized that there should be a way to communicate to the Uncyclopedian community (as well as our friends down at the Springfield Elk's Lodge, who hold a free shrimp buffet every second Wednesday) that the yearly awards for 2011 had been recently voted on, tallied, and awarded to their respective award-winners. Then it hit me, again! "Reginald," I said to myself aloud, severely confusing the few English-speaking members of my illegal young orchestra, "Why not personally drive across the world in an old Ford Torino, spreading the excellent news to everyone?" This idea was bound to work. In short, it didn't work. I'd explain the whole sordid tale, but I need to leave room in this thing for the actual news itself, so without further adieu (I do, too), here are your 2011 "...Of The Year" winners.
Congratulations to all winners, formerly prospective winners, nominees who didn't have a shot in hell at becoming winners, and Virgil Gordon of the Springfield Elk's Lodge, who last week correctly guessed the exact number of jelly beans inside of the mason jar that was set out in front of the lodge. Unfortunately, no prize was associated with guessing that there were 592 beans in the jar, as it was not intended as a contest, but as a mere decoration. In the future, the lodge will explicitly state the purpose of all jelly bean-filled mason jars by way of a small cardboard sign propped up against the jar. The Top 10 Articles of 2011 voting is also finished, but all of them haven't been re-featured and listed yet, so we're not going to mention that we know the winners until next week. Thank you for your support
 Good morning, Uncyclopedians (or evening, or possibly afternoon, depending on where you happen to be when you happen to read this). It is with high honour and big words that I announce that I have the utmost appreciation for your fine community here; for all of the squabbles on discussion pages and intractable behavioural issues demonstrated therein, you all have yet again exceeded even the highest expectations. Yes, you had the courage and decency to support me in my quest for wiki-domination, elevating my to the position of sysop, an endeavour for which I am tremendously grateful. As much as it would please me to richly reward you all for this show of faith, however, I must regretfully inform you that as a sockpuppet and general test account of User:Lyrithya, I am not actually authorised to act in any capacity exceeding the plausible scope of productivity and the odd prank or two. My sincerest apologies. |
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