Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Why?:Did I just read Twilight? (resubmit for SysRq)
Why?:Did I just read Twilight?[edit source]
Reserved for SysRq, since the last one was "A bit biased" in my opinion. 
Pirate Lord__Sonic80 (Yell • Latest literary excretion) __ 21:09, 5 November 2008 (UTC)
- I wouldn't call the last review "biased", but I would like to give mine own input on this article. sir
sysrq @ 22:05 Nov 5
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PrIP'd! Pee Review In Progress Checkit bitches, this review is as good as peed on. I'm marking my effing territory. Said article is being reviewed by: ~Minitrue Sir SysRq! Talk! Sex! =/ GUN • WotM • RotM • AotM • VFH • SK • PEEING • HP • BFF |
| Humour: | 3 | I believe this is the section that requires the most work, and the score reflects that. I did read my colleague's review and find myself agreeing with many of his points. I think that he has a better knowledge of the book than I do, considering that I have never read it and know none of the characters. I shall instead review this based on my minimalist knowledge of said novel.
Your main jokes seem to rely excessively on gay jokes, which can work in the right situation. You did not execute these very well at all. Now, I'm not saying eliminate gay jokes from your arsenal. Gay jokes can work if you develop a bigoted character that you are mocking. However, because you are mocking people who read Twilight instead, you cannot use these here. I think that in this article, you should eliminate the gay jokes. They're not that funny, and very typical of inexperienced humor writers who have not effectively researched their subject matter. Remember that your character has actually read the novel in a relatively short period of time. If he is passionate enough about it to write this article, he should have a working knowledge of the book. So should you. I find no evidence here that you have read the book yourself, because you do not allude to its plot or characters enough. I would expect an article like this to be riddled with references to the book; this is not the case for this article. However, there were some gems. As BlueYonder pointed out, the bit about "killing Stephenie Meyer for a week" could be a real gaff. Unfortunately, it wasn't complimented by the other subject matter and seemed very out of place. Try bringing this sort of ironic rage to the rest of the article to compliment this joke. I think that should be the one that you build off of; writing with that in mind could lead to very satisfying results. In closing this section, I guess your score for this section reflects my disappointment with the humor. I saw this article and had many expectations for it: jokes should have been about the characters, the plot, the people who read Twilight, etc.. Instead, I was repeatedly assaulted with gay jokes that bear very little relevence to the book and, quite frankly, make very little sense. |
| Concept: | 7 | This section will have to suffer a seven for several reasons. On the one hand, I applaud you. This is a great idea for an article. The hype surrounding Twilight is, for lack of a better word, dumb. It's needed a good pounding, and an article written by the "one person who didn't like it" seems like an appealing and refreshing idea. For this idea alone, I would love to give you an eight or higher.
However, I cannot in all good conscience do that. This section is also supposed to reflect the overall direction of the article. This article had several budding concepts, one of which I believe to be more appropriate than the others for this kind of article. I addressed this in the humor section already. I would advise you to follow the advice given by BlueYonder in his review for this section, as it pretty much said all that I would say about your concept. For this, I would give you a five. Averaging five and eight gets me 6.5; bumping that up gets me seven. |
| Prose and formatting: | 5 | Several formatting errors, consistent as they may be. Book titles are always italicized, my friend. Watch your capitalization and your grammar. Just a few sentence structure errors too, nothing worth getting worked up about or citing here for you to fix immediately. Just run it through a spell checker and you should be fine.
Your prose could use some work. I didn't get the most consistent feel from your writing. The character you have developed seems to change voices through the article. At first, he is irritated, annoyed, and outraged. However, he still read the entire book, which may be part of the joke. (Side note: perhaps your concept is that he hated the book and yet continued reading it; build on that, maybe?) |
| Images: | 5 | Two images: The book and Edward. Neither of them serve any real purpose; the article would be fine without these. I'd love to see some crazed Twilight fans lined up outside a Books-a-Million. Try playing up its similarity to the Harry Potter craze. Harry Potter fans versus Twilight fans? Just some ideas. I felt the images were lacking. |
| Miscellaneous: | 5 | Avg'd that shit, gangsta. |
| Final Score: | 25 | I'll sum this up later, bell just rang. |
| Reviewer: | sir sysrq @ 16:05 Nov 7
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