Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/The Twilight Alternate Ending
User:SpankingDuck/The Way Twilight Should Have Ended[edit source]
SpankingDuck 14:05, October 16, 2009 (UTC)
Pass. I have been asked to help reduce the review backlog, but I don't have the required background to do this one justice. Spıke ¬ 18:11, October 16, 2009 (UTC)
Pass. I also have been asked to help reduce the backlog. but I feel unqualified to review this. I read it all. It's good, but a tad short of a NOM, otherwise, if it was super, I would just nominate it. But how to make the difference? I'll leave that to the self-less experts.--Funnybony 17:18, October 17, 2009 (UTC)
OK, I'll give it a shot. Nameable • mumble? 11:21, October 18, 2009 (UTC)
CLARIFICATION: The following means I will not review this article unless requested on my talk page. If you know Twilight and want to do it, go for it! If you want a reviewer who knows nothing about the topic, let me know. (Sometimes it's helpful to have a complete outsider review; sometimes it isn't, so it's your call). King of the Internet Alden Loveshade??? (royal court) 00:14, October 21, 2009 (UTC)
- As it's been over a week and SpankingDuck has not expressed an interest in my Pee Reviewing this article, I respectfully withdraw my offer. King of the Internet Alden Loveshade??? (royal court) 19:37, October 29, 2009 (UTC)
| Humour: | 2.5 | Ouch, not a good score to start of the review with, but don't be discouraged- let me explain why i've given it.
Well, it's very hard to get humor out of this kind of article because you've picked a very difficult concept (more on that below). Although i'm all for Twilight bashing, you have to put a spin on it so that it doesn't sound like the usual "TWILIGHT SUCKS" stuff you'd find on 4chan. Now, based on what i've read, it sounds as if you don't like Twilight. That's fine, but remember that article are usually funniest when you write them in a neutral tone. Take, for example, the following line: "The ending of Twilight was originally more about an actual conclusion rather some-old-bullshit about how the "evil" vampires somehow manage to consider not killing the bastard offspring of Bella." Now, this sentence tells me right off the bat that you hate Twilight. Again, nothing wrong with that, but just saying something sucks is never really funny- the trick is to come up with an ending so absurd that it's unintentionally funny. I'd recommend writing this article in a way that sort of "winks" at the reader- we know the ending is absurd, but because the article tries to take it seriously, it's funny. Another problem that you have is length. It sort of sounds like you wanted to make fun of Twilight, but you couldn't think of anything from the book, so you added non-sequiturs. Jim Carrey, JJ Abrams, Captain Planet- all of these aren't remotely related to Twilight. Generally, when you write an article you want to stick to the subject material. For example, if I was writing an article about Citizen Kane, and I said "as it turns out, Rosebud the secret word he and Tom Cruise used for sex", that's just random. By the time I finished the article, I was thinking to myself "What does anything in here have to do with Twilight?". It's going to be quite a hack-job, but i'd recommend you stick to your genre- you can throw in Dracula if you want. |
| Concept: | 5 | While I can see how this can be a funny concept, the main problem is that it's really difficult to make an alternate ending for Twilight not sound like a fan-girlish rant, or a Twilight hater rant. To improve this article, i'd recommend you do two things:
First, set up a backdrop. In that first section where you have all those quotes (see P&F), you need to lay the basis as to what your article will be about-right now, your article kind of relies on an assumption of knowledge, and while it's true that a lot of people have heard about Twilight, some haven't, and the trick is to make it funny for that audience as well. Try writing something alone these lines: "The original ending of Twilight had Bella, a girl who falls in love with a Vampire named Edward..." This lets people get a good idea of what they're going to read before they read it. Your second problem is, like I said above, your article rambles. Try reading over it, and ask yourself if you can make sense of it. Like I said in the humor section, stick to Twilight characters and the relevant vampire genre- namedropping famous celebrities gets attention, but not laughs. It may help to read the book if you haven't already. |
| Prose and formatting: | 3 | Well, you make a few of the rookie mistakes. First off, you use lists. Lists, with a very small amount of exceptions, are not funny. You need to hack up that list, and then put the ideas from that list into paragraph form. Also, many of your sections don't feel evened out well with each other- the first sections, for example, feel very long-winded, and were a bit tedious to read. The last section, by contrast, really didn't wrap things up very well and was far too short. Try taking some of your smaller sections and merging them into larger ones- it saves space, and looks nicer.
Your big problem is the quotes. Now, as a general rule on Uncyclopedia, quotes are a no-no. They tend to make the article ugly, and usually don't add anything to the joke. I'd suggest replacing those quotes with the introduction I mentioned in the concept section. Also, 300 and Oscar Wilde stopped being funny 2 years ago, just for future reference. |
| Images: | 4 | With the exception of the Stephanie Meyer image, none of these really have anything to do with the article. I'd suggest getting rid of these and replacing them with images more relevant to the subject- for example, replacing your opening image with an image of the Twilight cover, and maybe something alone the lines of "UNRATED" stamped on it. |
| Miscellaneous: | 3 | My overall grade of the article. |
| Final Score: | 17.5 | I tried my best not to bash you too much on this article, because an article about Twilight is extremely difficult to do without sounding like an idiot. In a nutshell, you'll need to do quite a hackjob on this article- rewrite it so that the characters and plot elements feel more relevant to the vampire genre, and provide an explanation and foundation for your article in the form of an opening paragraph. You also might want to submit this to UN:PS- you made a few spelling and grammatical mistakes here and there.
Well, there's my essay. I hope i've given you the advice you're looking for. If not, rants may be submitted on my talk page. Good luck! =) |
| Reviewer: | Saberwolf116 03:08, November 1, 2009 (UTC) | |