Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Mark Robinson (2)

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Mark Robinson

It's a co-work of Under user and me. General idea was mine but without help from Under user it would be a worthless piece of unreadable and not-so-funny text. :P Sir Ptok-Bentoniczny^{Pisz tutaj} • KUN 14:09, June 29, 2010 (UTC)

I think I'll do this sometime within the next few days.--Sir HELPME Talk (more? --> CUN ROTM NOTM Pleb USS Pees SK ) On Tuesday, 01:41, July 06 2010 UTC

Canceled. I promise to never do this again.--Sir HELPME Talk (more? --> CUN ROTM NOTM Pleb USS Pees SK ) On Sunday, 03:10, July 11 2010 UTC

This Falcon will no hesitate to peck out your eyes if you review this article. That is probably because PeregrineFalcon999 has booked it. You have been warned.

This is mine!--Some Idiot 10:51, August 18, 2010 (UTC)

Humour:	7	You know what? When I started reading this article I thought you were just saying all this stuff to make him look bad, but then I looked him up on Wikipedia and I found out he actually IS the worst batsman ever! So, that probably gives me a better perspective on this article. Anyway, on to the article itself. Each section gets a dot point and a few tips, then I give a little summation of your humor. Here we go... Intro: First of all, I think you should actually state that he is in fact the worst batsman in the sport. Like I mentioned at the start, I got the impression you were just saying this because, well, it's an Uncyclopedia article. When you satire something you've got to make fun of it. So, I think you should actually state that. Second, I doubt many people will know what a batting average is. Some people may look it up, but others who are lazy will just ignore it as an unimportant figure. But the fact is, it's not. It basically sums up the concept of this article. So maybe you can define what the batting average is, or even just add a snide comment; "Batting average, you say? What's that? Look it up on Wikipedia, you nong!" Or something along those lines, anyway. Early Life: Yes, good nickname. But that's all this section is about! You could name it, 'His Nickname" and it wouldn't make a difference! I definitely think you could do some great stuff about his early life. Take this article, for example. Check out the 'Childhood' section. The writer played on the fact that Amerigo always named things after himself, to make a section about how he used to name his classmates after himself. I think you could definitely do something along this lines about the Worst Batsman Ever. What happened when they played cricket? There is definitely potential here for a great little paragraph. Early Career: Yes, this is good. But why wasn't he ever kicked off the Englsih team throughout his whole career? Is there some dark secret...? Record + Retirement: First paragraph made me laugh. In the second little section, you once again tell us that his average bowling is overshadowed by his batting. This has already been a bit overdone, so it has to go. You could add a bit more to the fact that nothing changed, though. Third part great as well. I think here you should add something on his later life. I'm sure there's a lot of potential for something like this - maybe he was challenged by his grandson to a cricket game and had a heart attack. Again, the same things I said about the childhood - play on his wacky attributions. Vocal Recording: This part takes up the majority of your article, and without it the article would be a stub. It's a really good idea, and I think you've done pretty well with it. I have a feeeeew things to point out, however. You state that we started working with this guy 'Packet', but I think you have tell us when this actually happened because it takes place before (or at least during) your previous section. The part where he just sobs is good, but it breaks up the flow of this part and doesn't fit. I like it, so you could definitely move this to the section on his later career or something. Swearing. Now, I don't think you've used it properly. I feel the best way to use it would be he keeps missing, and gets angrier and angrier, swearing... and then everything gets out of control. But you've done a different ending - which I kind of like. The sparse swearing doesn't fit in, as all the rest of your article is PG friendly. So change the ending so that he's swearing more and more and gets angrier and angrier, or just delete the 'f' words, and replace it with something like 'Shit' or 'crap'. Both options will work perfectly, but I recommend just deleting the swearing. Audio? Could you get this recorded? That would be awesome! Links don't fit in with a script of a recording. It would look better without them. OMG. I don't like him talking in OMG's. Can't he say something creative? CONCLUSION: On the subject of humor, your article is quite funny. Definite improvements to be made here and there, but generally all good. This score could easily go up.
Concept:	7	This is a really good concept - the actual worst batsman ever. I still think you can beef it up a bit though, and a maybe add one or two more sections. I've talked about a lot of concept related stuff in the humor section so I won't go into too much detail here.
Prose and formatting:	8	In the way of prose, your article is written pretty well. The voice recording is really good in the way of prose, and your article flows quite nicely. There are no visible spelling mistakes, but I have a few points on formatting that may touch up you article a bit... Contents? I see you you've put in the _NOTOC_ template. Does it really look that bad with a table of contents? I think you should check. There is an unnecessary gap at the top of your article that doesn't look nice. The Wikipedia template looks a bit ugly where it is. Move it or delete it.
Images:	7	Pretty good images. I think you could get one more though, of him actually batting, and the ball flying into the stumps behind him, or a picture of any of his ducks. Just something to show how bad he is, because there are definitely more pictures you could use out there. First Picture - Picture fits in and good caption gives it some humor. Second Picture - Hm. First of all, "Mark Robinson was batting like a dick". When was he batting liking a dick? Maybe it should be "Mark Robinson batted like a dick". Also, I think you could photoshop the picture of onto a postcard, because when I see the picture I get the impression that it's Mark Robinson in the picture. Third Picture - This is good. However, you can see the little health bar from the game at the top right hand corner. Cut it out and see how it looks then.
Miscellaneous:	4	Just lowering your score to my preference...
Final Score:	33	You've got a pretty good article here. There are definite improvements to be made, especially in the way of expanding and fixing up concept stuff, but overall this can be a very good article if you put your mind to it. Maaaaybe VFH, if you do your best, but I can't guess the expectations of every other Uncyclopedian who's going to vote. The biggest improvements you need to make are in the humor section, but there are still nifty things that can tweak the article to your potential that I have mentioned in the other sections.
Reviewer:	--Some Idiot 21:44, August 18, 2010 (UTC)